Wednesday, December 17, 2008

On childhood and firsts

first time I encountered/understood death:

I was still in preschool and on my 'Probewoche', a week that you spend at school, so they would test your capabilities and accordingly would either accept you or not. The school was close to my mother's grandmother and everyday, when I finished my two hours of doing nothing and watching other kids play, my mother would pick me up and we'd walk to her house. She had a huge shabby, mirror at the entrance and her house reeked of dust and antiquity. One day, I was asking the teacher every five seconds if it's time to go. Angryly she grabbed my hand and took me outside to the waiting parents. It wasn't time to go yet. I saw my mother's face amid the many parents. That day we didn't walk to her house. I asked my mother for the reason behind that. My mother explained to me that she's no longer on this universe, and that she's somewhere in the sky. I didn't take death as tragic. It felt very dreamy to me, to be somewhere else.



first time I learned about god:

I remember a car and trees outside the window, but I can't fit the place or context. I would most probably guess that it was Alexandria. My garndmother's maid was with us in the car. She was young, 16 i'd say. She started working there when her father, my grandmother's cook passed away. He always made us 'Kotombotom', it's a rice filled kofta type (name made up by us) that, we, the grandchildren loved and always asked for. She still makes kotombotom until this day. She always slept over at our house when our parents when out at night and she told me the most fantastical of stories, she also read me the 'maktaba el khadra' books. I remember watching the trees and asking her

"menen beyeegy el shagar, meen 3amaloh?"

"rabena. howa elly 3amel kol haga."

"howa rabena wehesh?"

"la2 matooleesh keda ghalat rabena helw we kwayes."

I remember I couldn't quite grasp the idea yet. It was above my head.



first time I saw a penis:

I was in nursery 'Prince and Queen', and I don't know why but there was only one bathroom for girls and boys, so this one day I went in and a little naked boy was running from the teacher. She wanted to teshatafo. He had a dwindling part that I didn't have. I looked at it in amazment.



first time I got bullied on:

I was sitting in the schoolyard, in one of the sandboxes, made for kindergarten children. Everyday before recess, a teacher would come and pour water out of a bucket on the sand, to make it softer yet more firm. That way, children could mould and shape the sand to create, castles, volcanoes and miniature people. I remember, that once the water is dipped children would all gather around the sticky area and chant “Balabeezo ramla balabeezo ramla” (Balabeezo: a made up children’s word ramla: sand). That day, I was out early on recess and had reserved a space in that special Balabeezo area, which was something infrequent, because everyone ran towards that area the minute the rang bell. I spent almost an hour in the sand, or that’s how my mind remembers it to be, since time can be very deceiving in its calculations, especially when you’re a kid and still don’t wear a watch on your wrist. Very engrossed in shaping the sand with my little hands, I tried to make the most beautiful of castles. I imagined how when it’s done, princesses would enter ballroom parties, with their flowing nightgowns and sparkling diamonds covering their necks and wrists and carriages would be waiting outside, with horses as white as pure snow on a crispy morning of a winter’s day. Lost in my reverie I put my hands away and stared ahead, when suddenly two feet jumped in front of me and crushed my hard work, along with the fantasy that accompanied it.

first public humiliation:

I was in Kindergarten, going home with the bus. I wanted to pee very badly, I couldn't hold it. So I went to the woman, who sits at the front of the bus and told her that I desperatly need to pee. She told me to wait. Then the bus stopped, we had reached a girl's house. The woman took me out to a garage opening and told me to pee on the floor. I didn't know what to do, though I despertaly wanted to pee I was reluctant to take off my pants in front of the whole street. But I did.
















that's for you evaluna!
and yeah, I have exams and am extremly bored!

strawberry fields forever

It was never one of my favourite Beatles' songs, but I loved the part of this song in 'Across the Universe' and now I listen to it all the time.
I love strawberries, lately I eat them all the time.
A few years back I had convinced myself that I'm alleric to them, whenever there's a cake with strawberries, strawberry ice cream or even real ones I decline saying "I love strawberries but sadly I'm allergic." I believed it so much that I forgot that I actually made it up. Then one day I saw those red juicy delicious things on a plate, I couldn't resist, the temptation was just too much.
And then I thought "You're not allergic! Stupid!"
and now I eat them again.
Yesterday I read 'orz be laban le shakhsein', I loved it so much. There's no link of her blog on the book, which is weird. Does she even still blog?
For those who read my blog. Does anyone have any idea how I could find her blog?

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

some days I don't get my sister's vegetarianism.
I know I can resist meat, I can not eat meat for months even. But I can't imagine how a person would live without eating chicken!
I wonder if she ever gets chicken cravings.
I'm sure she does, but she hides it behind that vegetarianism crap facade.
sometimes I wonder how the hell we're sisters. How could I and this alien specie, come out of the same womb. Actually, I wonder how I'm parent's daughter sometime.
Actually, I question how I'm a member of my family.
Maybe I'm adopted.
hehe when I was a kid I covinced my sister that she was adopted.
"Look at us do you see any resemblance?" I told her
she believed me and went crying to my mother.
I love red nail polish
it's sexyyy
I'm typing with red nail polish and I'm liking it
today while walking and looking at my shadow I realized that my shadow is hot
heheh
I know it's stupid
it's weird that when I look in the mirror I see a disheveled, messy girl who needs to comb her hair and wear something that fits together
but my shadow looks totally different
it's hot!

Friday, December 12, 2008

it's that age now *puke*

it's so scary that I'm turning 21 in a few months
my father told me yesterday that their friend tant I don't know who... well. actually I do know her... anyway, she has a Arees for me. I told my dad, no thanks. I told him, I can't believe you're actually asking me that. and that's how he replied "so what are you going to do with your life" or something... and the thing is he's not like that at alll I don't even know how he could utter something like that. "I'm going to live and Japan and study film that's what I'm going to do," I answered. But seriously? the same woman told my mom she has someone for me last year. What the hell. but last time I actually told my mom that I want to meet him because I wanted to experience meeting that person who's a potential spouse type of thing heheh. I knew I was going to turn it down anyway but I wanted to know how it would be like. But my sister told my mother about my hidden intentions "shofty bentek el motakhalefa 3ayza te3mel eih?" type of thing. Of course my mon wouldn't let me even though I convinced her that I actually do have the option to say no I'm not interested! so it's ok and stuff. But she kept telling me how "awlad el nas mesh le3ba" and stuff... blablabla
I'm entering that age, of the grandmothers' nagging, the parents' friends interfering and the 'sympathy' look if I don't get married within the next 5 years. It's disgusting and it's only gonna get worsr from here.

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Stupid me!

I do the stupidest things sometimes.
out of whim
and they're always always unthought of.
isn't it weird how you can not stand someone for more than 5 minutes
but still be fond of them
and miss them sometimes at certain instances
well I feel that
and then I act upon it
and nowww
noww I got this message of 'you told me it's better not to talk so please explain' and stuff
how can I explain this
how can I explain myself
that sometimes I get the urge to call or text someone
and I do
even if I'm not supposed to
how can I explain that it means nothing
and that it actually doesn't mean I want to talk with this person again
I think people should stop trying to analyze me
because everything I do is out of pure urge of the moment
that is why my actions are always very contadictory
anyway I'm babbling here
but I have no idea how to reply
sometimes I wonder why I am ME!
it can be really really exhausting sometimes

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

My grandmother reads the quraan every morning. When you open the cover, if you're not cautious enough, photographs of her children and grandchildren fall down. She tells me that she protects us by keeping our photographs inside. She thinks of me a lot when during her sacred morning ritual, that's what she tells me at least. I used to be her favourite grandchild once. When she was bedridden due to an accident she's had, I was her consoling companion. I don't remember of course. I was a year old. Now I don't visit her as much. Everytime she sees me, she reminds of that month I stayed with her. Every morning, when the light starts streaming through the little space between the blinds and the widow, she pulls open every curatin in the house and tells her plants to wake up. I have to fill the house with nour rabena, she says. She tells me her plants understand and that they need to be cheered up daily or else, they'd become depressed. She phases out all the time and stares ahead, lost in her own little reverie. They tell me I remind them of her in different ways.

My grandfather eats a banana every single day after lucnh followed by a mini kitkat. He looks at the clock every 5 seconds. He only loves those who cheer for ahly, golf are engineers or related to the Rotary in any way. Everytime I go over he asks me about my grades and if I got a 1. He's still not over the fact that I graduated and that it's an A now, not 1. He lived in germany for 20 years. When I play a game of bagammon with him, I feel uneasy. I'm crappy at it but sometimes luck strikes me. He hates to lose. He never does. But I'm always uneasy. He likes to spend his summer in marbella, spain and when he's not there he does nothing but talk about it. About Fernando's Mossolito's and Picasso's pasta.

My grandmother wanted to take Sanish lessons there. He didn't want her to. He wanted her by his side, every second. He has a square shaped face, straight lips and a loud laugh.
My grandmother carries around a book of 'how to learn spanish'. When I told her I'm learning japanese she asked me, why not spanish?

I know this post is very subjective
but it's how I feel

Sunday, November 30, 2008

Three things always fascinate me

Memory

fragrances

and stillness

actually they're four, dreams also fascinate me

Death In Venice

how can death be so poetic?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Dear Phone

You've been through a lot with me, witnessed many break-ups, received so many messages of hatred and love, messages of anger and messages that just warmed me up inside, sometimes even flirty messages. You've been tossed around so many times. I'm so sorry about that. Even though you were a crappy phone, I loved you to bits. You were there when I didn't want to answer anyone's calls. You were there when I watched you for hours, waiting... waiting.... and waiting for a certain someone to call.....
you know more about me that my friends do, you know so much....
I know you might think I'm replacing you with a shiny new thing, but I really am not. It's just that you stopped vibrating and I hate all your ringtones, and you know quite well that I'm not the type who would download a ringtone and stuff. I like to keep it simple, beep once and vibration. I don't know if the new one will hold precious memories as the ones that I hold with you, but one thing is for sure...
I will miss you.
Don't hate me, I didn't abandon you. I just had to get a new one.

Monday, November 17, 2008

A swarm of neurons flow in my head and produce signals and images of moments in life that mattered. To each neuron a a feeling is connected, an image chained to a feeling, both come accompanied. Like children walking hand in hand.
In a random organized procedure, images strike as flashes
A mental image affects the senses and drowns me into moments long gone
a voice or a smell appears
non-existent smells of molecules long evaporated from the universe
and I wonder
if maybe this smell still exists in a box or a cave
An image of you is nestled on one of those million neurons
it has claimed its place and sat there comfortably spreading its roots in the soil below
I'm afraid the image is destined to stay eternally
with time passing the image decays and fades
like a polaroid in reverse
A faded photograph is what remains
of you
flashes of moments undetailed
and an image of a blurry face
that's all what remains
but I'm afraid it will always stay

Friday, November 14, 2008

I was using the bathroom at a friend's house, and while looking at the mirror, I realized that I prgressed so much since the last time I was there looking at the same mirror.
The last time, which was more than a year ago, it was another friend's birthday at his place. That day they all went horsebackriding, but I was too tired to go, or move or do anything. I stayed at his place and watched 'surf's up'. I rememebered how I was feeling, and at what stage I actually was back then, I looked in the mirror and smiled. That second I was very happy. From being too tired to go horsebackriding, I can go through very long days and do many things. Lately I'm having some peace of mind and I believe that I'm actually very happy. I've become more levelheaded, more stable, I think.
well I could go on and on, so much has been going through my mind, but I forgot all about it. All I know is that I am happy, the kind of happy that is internal. The kind of happy that's not easily taken away. As corny as it sounds, I really appreaciate every second now.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I got intorrogated by a detective
heheh
there's always a first for everything :)

Sunday, November 9, 2008

why the hell does everyone keep on asking me if I'm tired and if I'm feeling ok
allll the time
why why why?
Yesterday I didn't feel tired but I heard it about 3 times...
"am I supposed to be tired?"
maybe I stopped feeling tired because I have gotten used to that feeling
it's part of me now
you know like entering a room that smells
at first you won't be able to tolerate it, but after a while you won't notice anyomore

I was complaining to my dad
"Do I look tired? I'm so sick of that"
that's what he told me
"maybe you just need to brush your hair" lol

Friday, November 7, 2008

Apathy or whatever....

so Obama won...
and I don't know what else is happening in the world...
I should care right?
I'm a journalist after all...
but the thing is
I don't
I wish I would
at a certain phase of my life I wanted to start a revolution and overthrow the system... yeah adolescent dreams
I used to tell the teachers academics are crap and why the hell do need to go to school anyways?
I got a lot of Fs doing that,
I once told everyone in class not to attend, to go on a strike because they fired a teacher we all liked back then...
nobody did of course, they were cowardly... they were afraid of getting a Tadel (this warning letter you get)
ughhh
they were always so cowardly
I got three that year, but not for noble reasons, mostly for skipping classes or doing watever
I had passion back then, towards issues, I wanted to fix the world, I wanted to be a war correspondant, I wanted to make a big change
now I'm just apathetic about everything
politics, religion and even love
I'm just.... I don't care
one might think that's a depression symptom
but I don't feel depressed
I know how depression feels like
and I'm not!
so why am I like that?
I have no idea
lately I'm actually happy in my life
doing totally random things with random people
and I made japanese friends two days ago
real japanese people
how cool is that?
and egyptian friends who are as japan obsessed as I am
we're going to live there together one day heheh
yeah I know pipe dreams
but the thing is....
I feel something is missing
maybe passion for something
I don't know
and I stopped believing in love
yeah me the hopeless romantic
I mean the BIG love of my life started calling me a while ago, and then we stopped talking
and it's as if it never happened
I didn't get sad about it
only slightly angry for two days or something
actually I was bored of him and I wanted it stop way before it actually stopped
and now I'm kinda sorta dating this guy, I'm already bored of it
it was exciting for one day or something
my best friend told me maybe I need to find the right person
I don't think it will ever happen
I've become too picky
I also realized I can't ever be in a "casual" thing
It's not my thing
I don't know
I want to care about something
anything
"it's just a phase" I keep telling myself
I hope it is

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Angel-A (mirror Scene)

Another beautiful scene...
movie... ummm ok
but the scene
AMAZING!

I hate writing academic papers!!!
for me writing a paper= going through blogs, listening to music, searching for some sources, going through more blogs, getting up to grab something to eat, sitting down, writing 30 words, watching videos on youtube, getting up, getting something to drink....
and it goes on and on...
a paper that could be written in 2 days, takes a week for me to finish...
tomorrows the due date I wrote 1200 words for my 2000-2500 word paper...
how the hell am I gonna find words?
this is so damn boring!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Blurry vision

and black spots
everywhere
everywhere

* the black spots is not a metaphor... I actually see black spots all the time
is that normal?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

balancing out

everytime I get one part right.. another one falls back behind
I can't balance my life
and it's stressing me out!
I have to give up something from the equation because this is too much for me to handle

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Lost in translation (beautiful scene)

I love it when he touches her feet!!!

Friday, October 17, 2008

2 days in Paris - final scene

Just watched this movie. This scene is absolutely wonderful, real, relatabale and beautiful.It is on my list of favourite scenes ever. The movie as a whole is good, it has this quirky dark humor to it, which I absolutely love. But this scene is just... the best part of the whole movie.

I absolutely love this

All over Japan one hears stories of trees, which have a peculiar or beautiful shape. One pair of twisted and entwined pines is supposed to be a pair of lovers. The boy and the girl wandered far from their village and as night fell, were afraid to return and face either the displeasure of their families or the taunts of friends. All night they embraced and talked of their love, and when morning broke they had been transformed into pine trees. Another pair of pines is said to be a devoted couple who died at the same time.

Japanese Mythology- Juliet Piggot
Isn't it annoying that I always wake up early no matter how late I sleep.
Even when I sleep over at friends' houses and we stay awake all night, I still wake up before everyone else. If I wasn't the daydreaming, entertainig myself type I think I would've hated waking up before anyone else. But it's ok, I don't mind it much, except for the fact that I get so tired sometimes and wish I would sleep more, but the thing is, when I'm up then I'm up.
The only time in my life when I slept for long hours was during my sickness.
I'm so busy lately, I have no time to even breathe. It's good and bad....
I'm slowly starting to know more about myself and what I want from life....
the constant question of wanting to study Journalism or not is being solved....
through reporting for the caravan I realized that I like doing long features more than news... that I like talking to people and writing about them, describing scenes, more than reporting about a problem on campus with lots of statistics. I realized that I'm a slowpaced person, who won't be able to keep up with the Journalism beat, I'm more of a magazine person.
I'm also not comptetive at all, which really doesn't fit Journalism, especially newspaper Journalism.
I was doing this story about the campus at night, and I had a photographer with me, this guy who's also a reporter asked me if I want him to help out, I told him "yeah sure why not. One more person wouldn't hurt, it will make the story more comprehensive." This girl, the photographer asked me if I don't mind sharing the byline. I told her "no not at all. I only want the story to be good." The only thing I'm competitive about is sports, which is weird because when it comes to work I'm not competetive but with recreation I'm the most competitive person there is. It should be the other way round. The director of the Caravan really believes I'd be a good Journalist one day, which makes me happy because I was so scared of sucking at the it, the first day I started.
I was also very happy yesterday.
I never write poetry, the only attempts were a long time ago at school, but I never wrote poetry ever since. When I started this creative writing course I felt really bad about my writing and I didn't even want my writings to be shared in class, since I felt that everyone is so much better than me. Especially that on the list my name was on the day that poetry is being workshoped and I never wrote poetry, always short stories or thoughts.
But I managed to write one and then all the letters I got from others in my class were positive, they said it was beautifully written. I was sooo happy and relieved. I don't suck :)
It was also written in a form, I never thought I'd write a poem in form, the form is a sestina (look it up)... when I went out of class these two girls came up to me to tell me that my poem is beautifully written. This one girl said "I felt that there was melody floating, that I was somewhere else" and that was my intention of writing it, I wanted to create a different world. That's always my intention when writing actually. I'm glad. :)
isn't it weird that girls are more drawn to girls' writings and guys are more drawn to guys' writings? Personally, even if I love the writings of many male authors or males in genral, there's something very beautiful about the way women write, or maybe it's more relatable I think.
Maybe that's why I love females singers like Sia, Alanis Morisette, Bic ringa, Tracy Chapman, K's choice.... and the like.... because I feel it more...
that of course doesn't make me like Travis or Radiohead less. I absolutely love them.
but there's something to a woman's voice that I absolutely love.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Adolescent selfconsiousness (Just when I thought I grew out of it)

Wearing my new dress yesterday, the recurring thought in my head was this: I'm not going to that wedding with these fat legs of mine... why did the dress have to be short, I don't want my knees to show... his words... "your legs are fat" were hovering above my head, reminding me every second how unattractive I looked. Why do his words affect me so much, just when I thought his words can't really cause any harm, since I don't really love him that much, actually I don't love him at all. His words, were a reminder of all the times in my life, he hurt my ego, for all the times he made feel so small and worthless, and it stung, especially that my biggest 3o2da for the last three years was my legs. "It's not fat, it's muscles" I told him.... which I think is even worse, it makes me feel so very unfeminine. I started cursing him and the day I ever met him, all he brought upon me was pain and frustration in my life. From day one... or maybe not day one... I'd say week one? Yeah, from the very first week I knew him he was doing that to me.
For the whole night I was thinking of nothing but "your legs are fat"
How pathtic is that?
Even when this guy who liked me ages ago was all like... "you got much prettier with the new haircut and all" or any other similar comment... I was annoyed at anyone who commented on my looks because in my mind I was the most unattractive person there is.
That's how he makes me feel...
ever since I can remember, that's how he always made me feel...
and I wonder...
why did I ever pick up the phone the first time he called
and why did I continue doing that?
and WHY did I let him affect me
and the thing is...
I don't even like him
and no it's not defense mechanism....
so many things he said were major TURN OFFS for me...
the only thing that made him bearable to me was that past we shared together
and that's it.
Now I will go through that busy day of mine...
and I will try not to think about it
even though I know it's not possible
the damage has been done

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Today I was doing this interview with this guy, so when it was over he was walking me to the car and I asked him where he lived. He pointed at the building we were passing by. "My apartment is on the 12th floor, it has a really nice view of the nile." and then he said "you can come by anytime to watch the view." "ummm sure" I said. I didn't really know what to say, I thought he was just saying it as a matter of speech... it's a nice place, followed by a come by... the way people usually talk. But then he asked me if I want to go up and see the view. So I went up with him to watch the nile. It was actually nice. But then, when we went downstairs again, he told me to come by anytime I want. Is that normal? Because I really don't know. It doesn't matter. The thing is, I don't think he's interested because I looked like shit today hehhe. I was out of it, underslept, second day of period.... so... I don't know.

If I hear another person asking me "Why are you looking so lost" or "shaklek lessa nayem" I swear I'll shoot them in the head.
Yeah I know I give the 'lost' impression.... but I don't have to hear it every single second of my day!
hehe
I was once walking in university and I saw my friend's ex/boyfriend/something in between, he looked so lost. I think he gives the same impression I give.
So I laughed and told him "hey you look so lost. But don't worry, people tell me I'm like that. It's actually nice to know I'm not alone."
This guy, always thought I didn't like him, but I actually do. Once I told my friend that I want them to stay together because I like him. When she told him he said that he thought I couldn't stnad him. Which is weird, because I never did anything that expresses any dislike, but obviously I'm not friendly enough or something. He said that when I pass by him I just give him a smile and walk by, my friend, because she knows me well, said that that's how I am. I wonder how many millions think that I don't like them... just because I'm a bit... well, not anti social... but anti small talk person. hmmmm I wonder...

the annoying thing is...

that the day I told myself I'm never answering your calls again...


you stopped calling

Monday, October 6, 2008

Pathetic

Why did I get myself into this?
this vicious unending cycle between us,
doesn't seem to stop. Ever!
Our time together was this little magical glowing gem in my memory
its how my mind designed it to be
its how my mind wanted it to be
but now with every word you utter
a little bit of the magic is crushed
what do you want from me anyway?
you made me realize how much the brain deceives
how a fantasy can drown us in fake illusions
and it's pathetic really!
I can't even love you anymore
or feel anything towards you
towards anyone
towards anything
Once a long time ago, my insides were bursting with joy at the mere sight of you
yeah, I remember quite well how I felt at that time
I remember just by a single touch of your fingertips, my body was filled with a rush
what happened to that?
Now I tell you about some of my deepest feelings and you laugh at them jokingly
yeah, I know that that's how you are, and that's how we're like together
but not everything is a joke
and don't get me wrong
I love laughter and jokes,
but it's not funny anymore
it's old repeated and boring
we're so different
from complete different worlds
how did I never notice that before
you think you're the best thing that happened to me.
you think I'm still ooohh so in love with you
well that's so vain of you
because I've been struggling with that
if I can't be excited about this
about something that I had longed for a long time ago
then maybe nothing will ever do!
maybe I have become incapable of loving....
In a very short time my heart beat and crushed and beat and crushed
it's become dysfunctional
Noone seems to strike my interest
and I give up
I give up on you
I give up on the search
the only reason i picked up the phone when you first called
was out of lonliness
was out of missing having a male voice at the other end, late at night before going to sleep
it's pathetic.... really really pathetic
all it did was make me feel more alone
I'm so angry at you
but more at myself
I'm a pathetic creature

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I always blog when I'm feeling bad.
Today I'm feeling good though.
I felt all kinds of different emtions in one day.
I have bald spots!!!!!
seriously!
I'm too young for this, they're not visible but I see them when I brush my hair.
khara khara khara
and I'm also very retarded but I'm not blogging about this one to save myself some embaressment.
I wanted to stop blogging a while ago, but I just can't.
I have to delete it if I want to stop blogging.
and I'm not sure I want to.

I asked him what he prefers... too many colors or black and white.
He said black and white tab3an.
I said that I just loooooove colors. Too many at one, Amelie style.
"because I'm such a cheerful person. Zay manta 3aref" I said sarcastically
but seriously, I love colors so much.
But if I ever make a film I'm so sure it's not gonna be something like Amelie, it will be something like Lost in Translation. It also has colors but in a calmer way. Can I even describe colors as being calm?
Sad but funny, touching in a way, not too romantic, unclassified relationship, real and mundane but not boring, aestetically beautiful, amazing color compostion
and the scene when he touches her feet keda... offf I can't even start describing how much it gets to me
oooff I just love Lost in Translation
it always gets me in this certain mood after watching it
melancholy

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Lonliness is a state of mind.
Happiness is a state of mind.
Comfort is a state of mind.
Satisafaction is a state of mind.

Everything is.

Then we confuse the tangible with the intangible, we search for reasons behind what we feel, we manipulate our outer life so it could correspond with our inner life.
It will never work.
If you're feeling lonely you'll always feel that way no matter how many people you interact with during the day.
If you're sad no matter what you do for fun, the sadness lurking within will find its way out.
Some days I wake up with a smile, even if everything around is falling apart.
On others, I wake up feeling heavy, carrying a burden beyond my capablities, no matter how everything is there in its place.

Maybe it's the human balance.
When you reach the depth of the low, your body, in order to retain its balance has to reach the opposite on its own.
Just the way we shiver when its cold to get warmer, and sweat when its hot to prevent dehydration.

I find it strange how some people tell me that I understand them so well, and how I'm one of the closest to them, when I don't feel the same.
I try to recall the last time I confinded in a friend, had a heartfelt conversation and got out all the confusion and diruption outside in the open, but I don't seem to remember.
Even when I talk to someone about my feelings, I do it in a very shallow manner.
I want to let someone in, but I can't find someone worth letting in.
Even yesterday, when my best friend was telling me about her worries, about her aches and pains, I just listened.
I couldn't even get myself to tell her that I've been crying non-stop for the past two days.
I can't even trace its source, because nothing is wrong with my life right now.
If anything, things are going rather well.
The one I cried for, 'can't breathe' type of crying. The one, who abandoned me when I most needed him, the one that made me feel inadeqate for loving, is now calling me on a regular basis.
I'm slowly finding passion in the things I do. Life is interesting.
Maybe it's in the intense headaches, the excruiating exhaustion. Maybe it's the fact that I feel physically old, that I can't even enjoy life because I'm tired and I'd rather sleep than do whatever. Maybe it's because no one can ever know or feel what I'm feeling, which makes me realize how very alone we're in it. We're totally on our own in this world, no matter how much we try to make it look otherwise.
Maybe it's because I can't make myself love 'me'.
or maybe it's like I said, the human balance.
But in order to reach this depth, you have to reach a certain height, which is something I didn't feel long ago.
My feelings have become shallow, they don't reach extreme depths or heights.
So what is it? what is it?
Why can't my tear glands dry out.
Thinking about it now, I think the last time I actually cried was 9 months ago.
Maybe that's why. My body needs to purify itself from the clutter hoarded within.
I miss so many things, people and places.
I miss tae kwon do days, I miss lazy summer afternoons on the beach, and pancake breakfasts at friend's chalets, I miss certain smells I know I'd never smell again, I miss certain faces and smiles. I miss someone's warm hug and I miss the days when the one I loved was just an image in my memory. I miss running without getting tired. I miss so many many things.
I miss my childhood fantasy world, I miss the imagination that got lost in the way of growing up. Even though I'm still grasping hard on a part of it and will never let go, the growing up process is pulling from the other end. I will not falter, I tell myself. But it keeps pulling harder and harder.

I wish I could let someone in, I wish I could find someone worth letting in.
I wish certain people wouldn't feel ceratin things towards me because it's a strain knowing I can never give it back.
I wish I could let someone hug me without tensing up, or to let someone cross the perimeter, that I forbade anyone to cross.
I wish intimacy wouldn't scare me that much, I wish for my cold exterior to soften.
I want to like people again.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

why does everything seem so much beautiful when looked upon in retrospect?
I guess we edit so much from our memories, or forget how we actually felt at that time.
Or maybe it's the other way around, maybe we realize that we made a big fuss out of silly problems and think, why couldn't we have enjoyed it more, because seriously, there was nothing to worry about that much.

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Addicted to me

To him I'm like a drug.
He's like a person who's been rehabitilised for so long, stayed clean for years, but got tempted to just have one sniff... one little sniff...
and then returned to his old compulsive obsessivness.
Back in the days I mistook this obsession for love. When people tried to convince me that he doesn't love me I never wanted to hear from them. So how come he calls me all the time. And why is it as hard for him to end this thing as it is for me?
No one had an answer for me. It was confusing.
He never loved me, I know that now.
But he was adiccted to me. I know that for sure.
It's funny how a year ago I would've killed for something like that to happen.
Now, that it's actually happening, I'm wondering what it is that made me yearn for it so much.
I don't think I can ever love him again.
But I do understand what made me attached. There is something between us.
The concept of only having a 10 min phone call was an impossibility. It still is.
but somehow the jokes are not as funny as I remember them to be, the connection is not so deep as I thought.
I believe that we do have a connection, but not the one that would make me want to be with him in a relationship.
It's not like he even suggested anything of that sort. But we talk. Daily.
I don't even know what to make out of it. It's fun. and that's as far as I can get I guess.
Funny how time changes so much.
He told me I've changed. Well it's been more than a year what does he expect?
One day I say that people don't change, the next I say that a year changes so much in a person.

I thought that time would make us drift apart and become strangers. That's always my biggest fear when I let go of someone.
But I think...
that even if feelings change, even if some aspects of a person change,
this something that happens between two people stays forever
no matter how much time time passes it will still exist somewhere inside.
It makes me less afraid of time.
because some human connections can transcend the boundaries of time.
it is not love. At least not now.
but something feels just the same.
not about the way I feel towards him. But about we way we act around each other.
I am not afraid of time anymore.
It makes me wonder if...
that connection I once had with another person will stay the same
or if time will erase everything like a tide would with words written on sand.
Only time will tell, only time will tell.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

The Cardigans - Lovefool US Version

This song is dedicated to all those who have once love obsessively.
I'm so in the mood for karaokee any suggestions?

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Saw this on postsecret

hehe sooo funny!!!
If anyone sees this they would immediatly think that I'm the one who actually sent it.
I'm a nuttella obsessed person. I think I've mentioned this a gazillion times before.
I just ADORE nuttella.
and as someone once told me: "some people worship god, you worship nuttella"
and it actually DOES turn me on.
lol
I love you nuttela person whoever you are.
and I posted this to annoy you kov :p

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

nostalgia

While driving today listening to nile f.m. blaaaa I hate nile fm it's just that my ipod stopped functioning :( I MISS MY MUSIC soo much!!!! A song starts and it sounds very familiar to my ear and then I think... Ahhh dee shabah the background music in tekken 3 (eddie's place). But then da f.m. guy says it's the song "jealousy" and then it starts "ahhhh jelousy". That's when I smile "oh now I get it". And then I remembered that even back then with him I was thinking that it was so similar to Eddie's song. Then I started laughing really hard. I remembered everything, that day when he was singing it to me, the expression on his face and every little detail around. On my last blog I once wrote this post about the things that I don't want to forget about certain guys in my life. I seem to have this obsession of writing down funny/rememrable/beautiful moments in fear of forgetting them but now I realized that if a moment is really that special I will never forget it. And maybe it'll be more special that way. I have an obsession with memories and moments and a nagging fear of ever losing them. Hmmm so should I stop writing moments of my life?

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Hable con Ella - Short Movie [Experiment N°2]

This thing was so funny. I don't want to forget it. I have such a good memory and I rarely forget anything yet I write down moments that I don't want to forget. Why do I keep doing that?
Anyways.
We were at a friend's chalet making breakfast, well, they were making breakfast while I was watching habla con ella with a friend. Everyone was going to and fro not even bothering to look at that spanish movie we were watching. So this girl comes out of the kitchen throws something at my friend (the one who's watching with me) and it lands right on her crotch so she says "you're a vagina" in her silly voice, then she turns to the screen and what does she see? a huge vagina infront of her.She points at the screen and screams "Ohh vagina". That's when everyone (the same people who were just seconds ago indifferent to what were watching) gathered infront of the TV to watch that huge vagina... and just when the scene ended everyone went away. Keda in a second they all went back to their business.

so I said I'm not blogging anymore and I'm not!
It's just that something happened today that I should really blog about and if I don't I won't write it anywhere or I would on some discarded notebook and forget where it was written in a few weeks.
Magles el shoora that was on fire today is right infront the cairo center, which happens to be the place where I'm taking my japanese lessons.
And I was watching the fire from the window for 2 hours and it soothed me so much.
When the class was over there were loads of masses of people on the streets watching the fire and shooting the scene with their cellphone cameras. There were sounds of helicopter engines from above. Something was surreal about the scene today. I felt that the world was hazy, that I was in a dream. It felt nice. The aura of my surroundings. I don't know if it's because something different was happening or because the surroundigs were so orange?

I loved looking at the bulding being burnt.
I've been feeling so empty inside for so long
and believe me I've tried everything to fill it up
I even rode on a harley :) a goddamn harley!!! And didn't feel a teeny weeny thing!
and only today while watching this I felt something. It wasn't ecsatatic happinees, it wasn't mellow happiness either, I don't think I can even put that in the happiness category.
but I felt something.
It felt like a deja vu of something so distant... or an eerie familar scene.
Does that make any sense?
I seem to get confused by the things I'm feeling lately!
I feel things at such inappropriate times, as if my feelings are not even linked to what's happening on the outside.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Watching from a glasshouse

A deafening eerie silence surrounding me in my glasshouse, detaching me from everything
Looking outside from my glasshouse voices slowly fade away in the void that is my mind.
The reflection of the light from the outside hits my eyes and makes me look away.
Faces and places dance in front of me.
Looking at the glass, footages of unedited film run in front of me. It doesn’t make sense.
Nothing does.
Sometimes it amuses me but at other times the air runs out and suffocates me.
I clutch my chest and take deep even breaths.
1… my chest widens
2…. it retreats
3….. widens again
4….. retreats… on and on

But the air runs away. I freak out trying to grab the remaining oxygen with my fist.
I clutch my fist tightly but the air manages to seep out of the gaps between my fingers.
I near my hand to my nose and inhale the remaining air to fill my thirsty lungs, slowly…
But it doesn’t suffice.

I bang on the glass and scream; the swarming masses passing in front of the glass go on about their routine. I bang harder but they don’t turn to me.

The air is just centimeters away yet it can’t reach me because of the barrier between us… that invisible barrier.

I scream louder and bang harder, before I know it tears are gushing out of my eyes.
I cup my hands and let the tears fill them up and drink the salty tear water to end that quenching thirst.
It slides down my throat slowly burning my insides… instead of healing them.

I look outside, from that isolated wall. Without the noise everything around me looks peaceful. Why did I ever enter that house? , I wonder.

They look so happy out there. Looking around me at that empty space, the void around me was so empty. It lacked the warmth of a human company. It was chilly.
Maybe I’d be happier if there was someone to laugh and joke with.
Two lovers passed by the house, their fingers entwined.
Kids were tossing around a red Frisbee and running after it, shoving one another, their little curious eyes glowing.
A bunch of friends were laughing hysterically. I couldn’t laugh with them. I didn’t understand. It was probably an inside joke.
Happy faces passing by gave me a sense of loss, an emptiness, a craving for a special someone.
Right then I smashed the glass door sucking in the air that I was longing for, for so long.

I breathed in but it got stuck in my throat and I coughed. The air around me was polluted; I could see the molecules of dirt swarming around.
I looked at the children and there at the very end sat a little kid alone, yearning for a day to play. He was skinny and frail. His eyes met mine and gave me a knowing look.
The friends I’ve seen earlier were making fun of a person they knew….
I ran away to my shattered house, took a tiny piece of glass and sliced my flesh.
The little boy turned away and I stood there watching as my blood was dripping on my feet… longing for my self-made quarantine.

I thought I'd post this one as a last post because it's the reason I named the blog watching from a glasshouse and it summarized my state of mind during the time of owning this blog.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

The worst chore in human history

is packing bags.
I hate it I hate it I hate it.

Monday, July 7, 2008

I've spent almost the whole day with a friend of mine today. We used to be really close before the medication period and stuff, but with time passing we just drifted apart. Just as I have with most people I knew. I didn't talk much, I was just watching everyone the same way I always do. Like a spectator watching a screen. And she noticed. On our way back in her car she told me I've changed, I've became quiter. "You used to go on and on talking" she said.
I've heard it so many times now, how much I've changed, how quiet, withdrawn I've become. I feel that I've grown but inside I'm still me.... I'm still the exact same person. The way I look at things, feel things are still the same really.
I feel that as my outer world was diminishing, my inner world was expanding. I've created a whole world inside of there that it has become rather hard to get out of it. I've encountered fears, reconciled with my long forgotten childhood friend, got to know me, got to read, got to be interested in film, started learning japanese.
I have never expected to change so much.
During that time I was sitting at the bottom of the well (from the wind-up bird chronicles).
I really related to the well thing in the novel. Did I mention how much I'm starting to love Haruki Murakami or Murakami Haruki (japanese style :))?
I realized that I'm really drawn to surreal works in literature, art or film.
and realism, I love both realism and surrealism. I love films that make you feel that a camera was just shooting people going about their daily life. I love books that describe every single thing, that paint a clear picture of the scene infront of you. and I love it when I read something and start feeling the way the protagonist feels. I'm currently reading Madame Bovary and I'm loving it, I'm feeling Emma so much, when I read it, I feel like I'm actually her. It's weird.

Why can't I ever feel pretty unless I'm told I am?
Why do I always feel so worthless and useless, unless someone comes my way and tells me I'm not?
Why can't I ever feel capable of anything? Why do I feel so small?
There's only one thing in this whole world that I'm sure of though.
I'm confident with my ideas. I've always been an "idea" person.
There was this thing on campus magazine where they would pick one person with the best screenplay idea to participate in a certain workshop.
No, I didn't get picked.
But I got an email from the editor telling me that I have good ideas and asking me if I'd like to freelance for them.
I do believe in my ideas.
When I was a bit young I was thinking that it would be cool if there was a TV show where people would enter your room and try to guess who lives in that room male/female? age of the person, interests, life and so on..... a few years later there was room Room Raiders on MTV. Well, the objective of room raiders is to find somebody to date but the concept is the same right?
And then... at the age of 14 maybe I wrote something similar to that in my diary: "Wouldn't it be cool if there was something like a website where people can write diary entries anonymously?" I wrote that after reading a friend's diary (with her consent of course... I would never eveeeeeeer invade someone else's privacy). well and then came the whole blogging thing.
It was MY idea at first. I should seriously sue the blogging people :)
And last year I was telling a friend that I'll write a story about women going on sex strike and finally getting their rights. The semester right after I took a play in the theatre course 'Lysistrata', which was about women going on a sex strike to stop wars.
And when I took the film class we had to write a paper on how we would make a palestinian film if we were directing one. The professor wrote me that mine was the most innovative idea. She even put a smiley at the end :).
These might not be grand ideas, they could've occured to anyone but the thing is, I get ideas like that all the time and with a little bit of development those little ideas could amount to something.
When I sent my ideas to Campus, I wasn't sure that they'll choose one of my ideas but I had a feeling inside that even if they don't they'd send me an e-mail telling me that eventhough I wasn't chosen those are good ones.
I'm that confident when it comes to my ideas.
it's the only thing I'm confident about.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

At my cousin's engagment party today:
This woman said something that was so not funny so I mockingly imitated her and then commeted on what she said (I don't remember exactly whta I said), my sister glared at me.
"What?"
"The camera was right at your face"
"really? heheheh. Next time I'll keep my sarcasm to myself" (in a somewhat loud voice)
she glared again
"What?"
"can't you see? bey2ro el fat7a. Just shut up"
I watched the people as they were all reciting the fat7a with solemn expressions on their faces and I wanted to laugh out loud. There's just something so funny about people being so serious.
I should really take social conduct 101 or small talk 101 or etiquette 101 (yeah right).
On occasions like this I always feel like an outsider, I sat alone on a table munching on the almonds and cashonuts just watching everything and pretending I'm shooting a scene. It always happens to me lately. I'd be watching something and imagine I'm shooting a movie.
I'm not antisocial. I'm somehow still connected to the world. Just yesterday I was in Makan having fun, singing in the car and being... I don't know...that other me that only seems to pop out every once in a while. It's all in the company I guess. At least now I know who's company I enjoy and don't need to waste time trying to enjoy the company of people that will never entertain me, put me in a good mood or make me feel like I belong.
I left early, I had this headache so I went inside the house. The engagment thing was in a garden in a house in el Mansoreya. I went inside and rested a bit on the couch, the maid asked me if everything is alright. I told her that it's nothing, that I just have a headache and want to sit inside for a while. She got me tea :). Then I called the driver and left. They probably think that I still get tired and they'll excuse me and shit lol. I just wasn't in the mood that's all.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

I really want to post something here.
My mind wants to let out all the cluttered thoughts and words while my mood is resisting it.
I sucks that I was soo in the writing mood during the japanese lesson. I wrote a bit there but I couldn't let myself get totally in that mood. And now, that I'm finally home, I don't feel like it anymore.
:@
I went to Makan today, there was this zar thing. It was AMAZING!
:)

Monday, June 30, 2008

I have a pleasant looking face meaning: the impression I give based on how I look is that of a pure, kindhearted, non-grudge holding, quiet and friendly person... well I can leave out the friendly part because a lot of times I give the "back off" or "don't approach me" attitude.
My grandmother calls me "nesma" lol except lately she says nesme we feeha 3asefa every now and then.
Based on how I look noone can ever guess the dark thoughts that can sometimes envelop my being. Nobody can guess how mean I can sometimes be. Nobody can guess the saracastic/mean comments that are always in my head, they're never uttered though. Maybe that's why. It's so easy being deceived and I'm a great indication of that. Because they can't see it with their eyes, they automatically assume it doesn't exist. It's like that with everything.
I hate it when someone says I'm pure or kind because eventhough I'm empathetic by nature, eventhogh I feel good when I help out a friend or someone in need. I AM NOT THAT PURE.

So many layers of anger, rage, sadness and resentment are buried so deep inside of me underneath perfectly numb skin.
One day it will all come out.
it's gonna be ugly.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

"you know what I think?"

"what?"

"I think I'm gonna take these japanese courses and reach like the fifth level..."

"and then get bored and quit?"
I didn't even have to finish the sentence, she just knows me too well...
does she?

I wonder if anyone really does...
some people at some point get a grasp of what I'm about but does anyone truly know me?
Do I truly know anyone?
DO i even know me?

I wish I could hold your hand really tight and get through everything inside, just for a second.
I want you to do the same with me.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I want to believe in something!
ANYTHING

please?

Thursday, June 19, 2008

woke up, my heart was pounding really hard and my whole body was throbbing.
I stopped taking the medications about 2 months ago but I still don't feel 100% alright. It's normal I guess... I went through two diseases in the past couple of years it will take time.
Yesterday, I was afraid of being groped all day, whenever I'm on the street I tense up everytime someone is 5 inches away (what's an inch aslan... I don't know how to measure in inches but anyway... anyone who was a bit close). The image of the man was haunting me all day, I could be exeggerating but I couldn't get it off all day yesterday.
I cooled down today. At least I'm not feeling nauseous anymore.
I want to get out of here....
this place, and everything surrounding me.
Everyday the feeling increases. Most people who live abroad or who lived there for a while say that the thing they miss about Egypt is its warmth.
To me this doesn't matter because this warmth they talk about doesn't exist for me.
I always feel detached, alienated, not here.
My existence lies somewhere else. The person who talking with others, the human blood and flesh person that is there in actual presence is not me. Because I moved somewhere else long ago. I live on a planet far away.
Family gatherings are always so fake. I've become cold towards friends. And the warmth from my immediate family suffocates me.
Why can't I find it in my heart to forgive some people?
I learned to get by on my own. I don't need people anymore.
Before my illness I was dependant on others to make me feel better.
During that time I realized that nobody will help me but me.
I had so many low moments but none of my friends knew.
I remember that month, my parents were in the US and I was suffering from eppstein virus. A fever that lasts for about a month and a half, and even when the fever is over you stay exhaused for a long time. (By no means am I blaming them for travelling, I'm the one who reasurred them that I was ok and I didn't mind.)The thing is, at that time my grandmother stayed over, to supposedly take care of me, but I never wanted to ask anything from her. My sister was always either in Uni or out. and my friends.... don't even let me get there. So I spent a whole month alone. I didn't even want to drop the semster because I had gone a long way while being sick (at first I didn't know I had the virus I thought it was just fever) so I thought I've gone this far khals ba2a makamel el semester.
I had no appetite and barely ate anything, and when I did I was too tired to go make myself something to eat and there was no one around to make me food. None of friends helped with uni stuff. I remember this week. I nearly colapsed in Uni and I was crying so hard and had no energy to even get up. I even made a scene in class, because I was so stressed out. That day so many people called and offered help. People that are not even so close. But the next day... nada! Anyway it was better that way. It taught me to depend on myself. During that month I thought that this is the lowest of the low. I never knew that this was a bliss compared to the medications for hepatits C.
I'm not playing the victim here, I'm just saying... people will never be there for you when you need them most. That's something I learned. That doesn't make those people "bad". It's just life. Everyone has his own conflicts and problems so people become busy, they get occupied by their own life.
and this is why I believe I can get by on my own anywhere.
I want to get out of here.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

This is so bad

Today, while going up the elevator with this man, who was delivering this cupboard to our neighbours.... I feel so nauseous now. This sucks! Well... He was going out of the elevator but he was having diffuculty moving the thing so I helped him getting it out, and that's when his hand brushed against my boobs, I thought it was undeliberate but I just froze in my place because I got so startled so then he grabbed them, and this time it wasn't unitentional at all. I pushed his hands away and kicked out the thing. I don't know how this happened but by the time the thing was outside he was also outside. I shut the door quickly and frantically pushed the button to my floor, but the elevator didn't move. I was shaking hard, so I pushed any other button and it finally moved. I should've slapped him, I should've slapped him, I should've slapped him. At moments like these I wish I was a guy, I wish I had no boobs. And the worst part is, that this is actually normal and it happens to every single girl. I hate him and I hate the feeling he gave me, I hate the pervy society we're living in. I feel so disgusted.
If that's how it feels like when getting touched by a stranger than I can't even imagine how a raped girl would feel. It must be the worst thing that could happen to a girl.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

"My stuttering, I need hardly say, placed an obstacle between me and the outside world. It is the first sound that I have trouble in uttering. The first sound is like a key to the door that seperates my inner world from the outside world, and I have never known that key to turn smoothly in its lock. Most people, thanks to their easy command of words, can keep this door between the inner world and outer world wide open, so that the air passes freelybetween the two; but for me this has been quite impossible. Thick rust has gathered on the key."

"Once my solitude had started, I realized anew it was easy for me to become accustomed to this state and that the most effortless excistence for me was in fact in which I was not obliged to speak to anyone."

Yukio Mishima- The Temple of the Golden Pavilion

I know that my stuttering is not THAT bad but I really liked these parts and I totally relate to the second one. I have to read more of Yukio Mishima. I love his writing and the way he digs so deep in the human psychology.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

so I was tagged by Kovs...
now I have to think of 6 quirks I have
I can honestly think of only one
well, I alwaysss have to lock the bathroom door, even if I'm the only one at home. If I don't I get irritated and feel uncomfortable.

Friday, May 30, 2008

ok so it's not the last post...
heheh
I just wanted to add something....
when I write in a haste, like I'm doing right now, my posts would always be filled with mistakes.
I spot them, I just spotted a few right now, and some sentences don't make any sense, but I still don't edit most of the time.
It just feels so much more real like that.
Does this make any sense?
this is the last post, I promise
but it's really strange
yesterday I had a dream about him, even though it's been ages since that happened
it wasn't a pleasant one, but not disturbing either
I saw him golfing from far away, he doesn't even golf
and he was wearing a red T-shirt, when I saw him, I ran away, I climbed houses, and ran on top of the buildings, the last thing I wanted was for him to see me...
so then I jump down and I'm surrounded by a large mass of people, I get so lost in the middle and there I find him, but I can't see his head (you know like the parens of cow and chicken)
so I crawl on the ground and get out of the place

something I feel that I have a weird sense for these things, many of my dreams come true...
isn't it strange that I dreamt about him yesterday, even though I rarely ever think of him...
and on that same day when he would contact me again!!!
it's 2 minutes later I know....
but.... you know when something happens that you least expected!
and then you let it run smoothly, sort of
and then you feel refreshed and liberated
but something inside doesn't feel right? still
and curiosity is getting the better of you?
Leh? Begad Leih? ana mesh fahma
Shocked, kind of glad but not too happy about it!
It was the last thing I could've ever expected.
Oh well
I'm glad I handeled it that way!
and I feel so relieved phewwwwwww

oh and I went to see Madame butterfly today! I never thought I'd actually enjoy the opera but I did! and it was in Japan.
I'm feeling good

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Some months ago
"I'm soooo excited I got the application for a year abroad to japan I really wish I would go!!"
"I don't really get it. Why do you want to go there that much" he asked
"well... I love their culture and everything about them" I replied still enthusiastic
"so what do you know about thir culture ?"
"ha?" I got so embarresed "martial arts?" and then I laughed
" I must sound like a total airhead heheh"

the next we met

"see that Diwan bag. Go get it"
I got up went over to get it
"it's a gift for you"
wowww a gift! I got so excited, I rarely ever get gifts from guys I like.
so I open the bag and what do I find? a book about Japan
I stared at it for a moment. "Thank you" finally said and then I kissed him. "you know this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done to me." I told him
he didn't believe me.
"It can possibly be THE sweetest thing."
I thought for a while .... "well maybe the second sweetest" and I told him all about the day my ex got me a bag full of chocolates of every kind! (stupid stupid girl)

anyway what I say is that this gave me the push I needed, and eventhough I have a whole library available for me, this book will always remain my reminder, it will remind me to go for the things I want... it's a reminder not to give up.
If you're reading this .... I know that it was a long time ago, but thanks again...
and it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done
I devoured the chocolates in a day (well not exactly a day) but the effect that the book instilled is still there

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I just applied for this japanese course.... I just came back from the interview
the results are supposed to be out by next week, I'll stay restless till then
oooff I hate my overexcitedness and I know myself, It would be taking over my mind for the whole next week
I don't know if they'll accept me or not but one thing is for sure.... I showed them a hell of excitedness ... I was like "to live in Japan is my life long dream" "I've been reading a lot about it"
"I've been reading japanese literature and haiku poetry", when I'm over excited I can't really tone it down no matter how hard I try. Don't know if that's a good or bad thing though.
well most of time when I apply for something I get accepted because my enthusiasm... and two weeks later I lose interest and make them regret accepting me heheh
but I won't lose interest on this.... I'll do my best, I'll be a fluent japanese speaker...
ooof I can't wait for a whole week.... this is torturing!!!
well this guy who was also being interviewed told me that I did well... yaret yeb2a ma3ahhh 7a2!!!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

isn't it weird that

- the first time I tried sushi I felt I was in heaven
- everytime I'm somewhere with karaoke I'd be the first one on stage
- that I've always had a fascination for kanji letters, even though I didn't know they were called kanji back then, I called them chinese letters, I even had a necklace with the word 'love' in kanji
- I've always had a fascination for dragons, even as a kid before I knew they were related to chinese mythology
- that I always loved martial arts even before trying them, I used to watch karate kid and wish for my own mister miagy :)
- that I love asian food in general
- I had a crush on samurai guy, and the korean guy who came for an exchange thing with our school choir (and I talked to neither of them, I'm a dork like that)

I can't think of other things right now but I'm so sure that the list is so much longer than that
I was born in the wrong place! Seriously! or in the wrong body....
maybe I shouldv'e been a male instead of female...
well now I'm comfortable in my female body but for such a long time I was really trying to adjust
as kids, my sister used to get things like barbies and baby born, and I used to get playstation games, remote control cars, all the guys toys, I always had a weird violent streak (but I don't think that goes back to my tomboyishness... it has more to do with I don't know.... maybe the feelings that I try hard to supress?)
anyway what I'm trying to say is, that I was either born in the wrong place, the wrong body or even in the wrong time, sometimes I feel that I belong in a time when they used torches to light the way, when they used feathers to write, a time when things were slower....
I'm such a slowpaced person and sometimes I feel that I can't keep up with this world that keeps pushing.... that counts every second... that measures time and supresses it.
Even my choice in film, I always get drawn to realllly slowpaced films, I watched "Death in Venice" a few weeks ago and I thought it was one of the best films I've ever seen... it's sooooo slow though.... I think that most people will get restless watching it....
actually the board members (or whatever their called) of my school didn't want to accept me in school because I was a slow person WTF ( I was in kindergarten for god sakes 7aram 3aleihom!!!)
I'm not so slow as much as I'm always somewhere else....
In first grade, when I was in recess, I used to sit there and stare ahead and get sooo lost, the bell would ring, everyone would go up to class and I'd still be sitting there not even aware that the bell has rung and then I wake up from my reverie and look around me, and find noone, the whole area around me would be empty, I rush to class and tell the teacher I was in the bathroom, I used to get embarresed saying something like "I was daydreaming, I didn't even hear the bell" so I stuck with the bathroom story hehhehe I was such a stupid kid
I talk a lot about me as a kid don't I?
I don't know why I do that.... but I believe that the version of kid me (of kid everyone) is the real version of the person.... of course all versions are real, and the person we are is an accumelation of all the people we've been, the people that we've met who influenced us, the things we saw and read, life shapes us but we the remain of the same substance
if you're made of red dough, you'll always remain 'red dough',
the little red dough ball will stretch from each side, it could get squeezed, a piece might be taken away from it, it could get scratched, imprinted on with different patterns and shapes....
but it will remain a red dough
actually after my almost one year isolation from the world I realized that the person I am now, resembles the kid me so much
there's this quote I wrote down from Haruki Murakami's 'Kafka on the shore' that says: " the child's the father of the man."....
I want to meet the kid me and talk to her :)
that would be interesting
you know when there's a certain insignificant moment that pops to your head out of nowhere?
well, a few days ago I remembered when I was in Luxor and Aswan with my parents, I think I was 9 or something, I'm not sure...
and then this woman came over to ask me something like "where's the bathroom?" so I gave her this elaborate made up answer something like "it used to be here yesterday, but when I came here today I couldn't find it, turns out that this magician came and made it invisible, the only way to actually see it is to search for the watever stone or something" (that wasn't my story I'm just giving an example of how it was like). The woman looked at me and smiled "lazem tetla3y kateba" she said .... I gave her this disgusted look and said "Ya3... they're all unattractive and wear glasses" heheh that was so stereotypical, what I don't understand is that I was actually very tomboysih at that time and didn't care less about my appearance, I always wore baggy pants and T-shirts.... we mesh fahma.... where did I get that from (unattractive, wearing glasses) heheh ... and I used to have a diary and write short stories, even back then bas bardo the idea of becoming a writer was somehow disgusting lol

ok that's it for now

everyone is so stressed out with the finals and freaking out, and I'm watching them amused hehhe

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"Rumor sometimes follows a more precise logic than fact, and fact more than rumor is apt to have a lie in it somewhere"

" One who pans for gold can't expect to dig up only gold, or even attempt to. He must blindly scoop the sand from the river bottom. He doesn't have the privelege of finding out in advance whether he will succeed. Maybe there's no gold in it, but maybe there is. Yet the one thing certain is that the person who doesn't pan for gold never gets any richer"

"A telephone- it seems a long time since I last saw one. It's a strange device, constantly entangling the emtions of human beingswithing itself, yet capable of uttering nonsense more than a simple bell tone. Doesn't it feel any pain from all the loves, the hatreds and desires that pass through it? or is the sound of that bell a scream of the pain convulsive and unendurable that the telephone continually inflicts?"
Thirst for love-Yukio Mishima

I just read my yesterday's post and realized that this is exactly the way I speak.
sometimes I write the way I speak, especially on the blog and at other times I write the way I write, which turns out to be more coherent. I'm not gonna change a thing though (not even all the mistakes) because it explains the whole retardedness of speech thing, bakalem we ma7adesh beyfham. I understand myself and that's enough for right now.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

the only thing that keeps me going....

is the hope...
the dream
that one day I'd be living in Japan

this is not one of my fading obsessions
the interest increases
my mind is set
I will go there one day!
I will do anything to reach that

lately I'm reading about Japanese culture, haiku poetry, manga, japanese swords.... anything japanese related
reading japanese literature, watching japanese films
and I'm starting to understand more about them
it's the only thing that excites me
just daydreaming about living there makes me feel better
I feel more alone when I'm around people than when I'm actually alone
I suffocate

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

How to disappear completely- Radiohead

That there
Thats not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the liffey
Im not here
This isnt happening
Im not here
Im not here
In a little while
Ill be gone
The moments already passed
Yeah its goneAnd Im not here
This isnt happening
Im not here
Im not here
Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
Im not here
This isnt happening
Im not here
Im not here

I'm not falling into depression again
I'm not!
i just feel like posting this song because I love it and i relate to it
I'm not depressed

Monday, May 12, 2008

K's choice- butterflies instead:
imagination fills the void of my existence

Porcupine tree - Lazarus:
As the cheerless towns pass my window
I can see a washed out moon through the fog

Imogen heap - oh me oh my:
Quiet now in sleepy dreams
To me it seems the only time to be
Just me

I woke up, in the middle of my sleep
trying to escape that dream
it's not a nightmare
it's a wonderful dream
we sleep 1/3 of our life
so what makes a dream less real than reality?

the last time I actually cried was last january
do I have to cry to prove to myself that I'm not ok?
that I'm just pretending?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

My eternal ellipsis

Everyday my life starts making more sense
like a polaroid picture that's slowly taking shape, revealing itself
it's still somehow blurry and vague
but I'm waiting
watching
lines in the picture are slowly connecting creating a silhouette of a mysterious figure
the dark figure will brighten up, different colors will appear
it will get clearer and clearer
what will happen when the whole picture pops put of the darkness?
when it's fully constructed?
does anyone ever reach that stage?
it doesn't matter anyway because I'm still waiting and the lines are still barely traceable, their just beginning to appear
and I'm waiting

sometimes I feel that most of my life I've been waiting
for what exactly, I don't know
There's always something beyond, something out there that will be reached
this eternal ellipsis that has become my life is beyond the past present and future, it's a time stuck in between that has no charachterstics or form

the seasons change
the clock ticks endlessly
night and day shift
children get born,
their first teeth start falling off
they grow up
puberty, their hormones change
they develop more
stretch marks, wrinkles
a slow decaying process

and I'm still waiting
waiting
but nothing happens
there's nothing to wait for
because this is it
this is life
but I still wait
watch and listen
as time trails off
slowly
and I watch it as it evaporates
and I still wait
in my eternal ellipsis

Saturday, May 10, 2008

I think that the sense of smell is the most underrated one of all senses.
I was once eavesdropping on a conversation (I do that lot) *embaressed
so this girl was saying "I was born without a sense of smell"
I thought that this must be truly awful
actually, for me, it's tragic
she'd never know though because she doesn't know what it is
The tragic thing about being blind or deaf is the alienation it gives the person
not smelling still makes you part of this world, you'll still see, listen, interact and everything...
but an integral part of existence relies on smelling, a part that's overlooked a lot
I personally can't live without the sense of smell
I always sniff around, everything everywhere
I've been like that ever since I was a kid
the sense of smell is so powerful
an odor can transform a person into a past moment, it is the sense most capable of making me nostalgic for a certain time, place or person
listening to a song also does that, but nothing can beat the sense of smell
This describes smells in their most beautiful form
I truly love this post
and there's das parfuem by Patrick Sueskind of course

Thursday, May 8, 2008

I was jogging today!
I just came back!
I'm so happpyyyy :)
Jogging is one of my favourite things in the world
it's that me time, the time for me to be alone, to think
I'm slowly regaining my fitness
there's something so beautiful about the reconstruction period, when you lose it all and start again
when I run my thoughts run wild in every direction
a few years ago, at times when I just wanted to get away from it all, I used to go the club with my notebook run run run and the sit back relax and write.... it was my own little ritual
I didn't have my notebook today so I forgot most of the things that were going through my head
I was mostly thinking of growing up
and now I'm not even in the mood to write them down....

Sunday, May 4, 2008

I'm just thinking
why are buttcracks disgusting and cleavages sexy?
they're more or less the same thing
If you extract the image from its context they'll be exactly the same thing
but somehow one looks good and the other not
Why?

Monday, April 28, 2008

I can't sleep
and I have nothing interesting to say
and I stopped feeling
I can't even have a decent cry
why am I blogging again?
oh yeah because I'm bored
and because it's almost 5 a.m. and I still haven't slept
and I have nothing better to do
or maybe I do but I don't want to get up and turn on the lights
what's worse
overfeeling
or feeling nothing at all
why can't I ever reach a middle ground in anything?
I seriously have nothing interesting to add
I hate it when I suffer from insomnia, it reminds me of the time when I was on extensive medication
now I'm finally off everything
so WHY THE HELL CAN'T I SLEEP?
I should at least try I'm waking up in a few hours

Thursday, April 24, 2008

At first I wanted the post to look like this:
it's over it's over it's over
it's over
it's over
it's over
it's over
it's overrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
or
ve
o
v
e
r
yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay
but this is how I really feel:
it's over :)

Monday, April 14, 2008

two conversations I just had:
with a friend (she called)
me: hey
my friend: 3mla eih?
me: kwayesa
my friend: eh el akhbar?
me: aywa ha?
my friend: da eh el baga7a dee
me: I just find it totally unnecassary we ba3den mesh konna lessa ma3 ba3ad
my friend: not everything has to be necessary ya3ny
my friend: ezzay enty mostafeza keda mesh mesada2a
me: thx

my mom
I'm wearing a jacket so she enters the room and jokingly says
"begad enty ghareeba ama el donya teb2a sa23a telebesy khafeef we ama el donya teb2a 7ar telbessy jacket"
I roll my eyes "howa kol ama teshofeeny te2ooly nafsy el gomla?"
she gets all sulky and tells me eny begad mostafeza

I know I can be quite unbearable sometimes but things like that annoy the hell out of me, especially when I'm exhausted and in a bad mood.

I was fighting too hard to stay balanced today and not to collapse and even had coffee to keep me awake even though I never ever do!
so now I'm exhausted and alert because my body is not used to the caffeine intake

I'm not rude right?

People say that the best years of your life are your college years
I don't think I have truly lived that experience
I got sick 4 semesters ago, so for 2 whole college years I've just been a walking zombie, skipping most of my classes
it doesn't make me sad though
because I know that when I get better I will truly live every single moment
I will try not to waste a second and really appreciate being healthy
I'm wondering if it was even neccesary, getting treated
a few days ago we had to choose the important news stories in editing class
so there was this one about a doctor stating that the source of hepatitis is belharizia and unhygenic syringes, everyone in class said that it's important
I disagreed because it's not news, I already know that this is the source of it spreading in Egypt
I said that I already know that fact
so then the professor told us that syringes weren't disposable back then
"most of my generation caught that virus"

I wondered if it was worth it?
did I have to get treated?
he said it so lightly
were all these days I spent depressed, exhausted, sick in bed... were they all in vain?
I sure hope not
I hope it was worth it

on a lighter note
I'm learning japanese :) and now I'm a member at the japanese library in Cairo hehhe
I was reading this book about haiko poetry and I'm so in love with haiko right now
I even made my first haiko attempt

basket stands alone
sunlight through the glasswindow
volumes of voices

It's crap I know

I wrote it in class... in a second keda but it's my first attempt
there are so many different types and things to consider and I still didn't finish the book
I just thought that 5-7-5 syllable one is the easiest
it doesn't even have to be written in three lines

it
can
be
written
vertically
like
that

haiko is so amazing
I might post my favourite ones from the book
I love japanese
I hope I'd be good at it

Saturday, April 12, 2008

on the sparks and first moments

I almost always know from the very first second I meet a person whether one day I'll have feelings for him or not...
for me, it's really hard to get a casual thing going, it's either, I'm sooo into the person or I have no interest and never go beyond that....
casual things require interest but not too much interest, which is somehow impossible for me
for me it's all or nothing...
when I don't feel this electricity at the beginning, I always know I'm safe and it doesn't scare me this one bit to go further in it, but I never do because eventually I get bored ...
and when I do feel this electricity I always know I'm up to some real danger and I get scared, reallly reallly scared... but I still go further in it
so now, there's this person.... no electricity, no sparks, nothing...
but the thing is, I don't think I can put him in the boring category either...
this actually might be a casual thing
It's fun because I'm so certain that I'll never get hooked

What did sparks get me anyway?
tears, sadness and heartache

who wants that?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Paris, je t'aime



I always said I hated the frensh language, frensh people and everything frensh.... everytime someone mentions how beautiful Paris is I would just roll my eyes... I think it's because I was failing in frensh at school, and I simply can't pronounce frensh words. I think it has something with arabic being my first language and german the second.... german and frensh just don't click... anyway... after watching before sunset I thought... hmmmm maybe paris isn't that bad... actually, I know it isn't I've been there once as a kid, I don't remember much but I remember that it was a nice place, I remember Diseny world very very well though.

I watched Paris, je t'aime and now I realllly wanna go again... it's so beautiful isn't it? I wanna fall in love in Paris... it's such a cliche I know.... but a beautiful beautiful cliche....

Monday, March 31, 2008

Life is not supposed to be happy
I know that,
everything comes to an end eventually
I know that also,
I know that happy moments exist so we can remember them again and again....
to make us get through the sad times
sometimes you just don't accept that something ended and instead of retaining that perfect ending, the one that will always leave you with feelings of fondness and love, you just mess it up and it ceases to be that perfect little place in your memory
I think I've learned where to draw that line, or I'm in the process of learning it...
but it doesn't stop me from wondering...
what if?


I remember, a supposedly last day with a certain ex of mine...
I remember getting out of his car and telling him. "It's not the end I just feel it inside."
and it wasn't... I'm known for having these gut feelings that turn out right most of the time
and I'm glad that this day wasn't the end of us, what I regret however, is the way I acted or even the way he did after it was actually over.... it just blew all the magic
but still... maybe it was supposed to be that way, maybe I was meant to snap out of my illusion...
maybe...
I know that by looking back and seeing how abusive this relationship was (emotionally abusive) and how much it fucked me up I just moved on, so yeah it helped but it's just not the same for me anymore... I don't think I can ever hate him... but he will never be that person he used to be to me....
I just wish we could stop being attached to a person yet stay fond forever....
is it possible?

My baby cousin came over yesterday, I was reading her this children's story from a book that I had since I was a child....
There's a certain page with a certain picture, that just brought me back in time
It's weird how much capacity our memories have
and it's even weirder how I related to that story... it was my favourite one back then...
My baby cousin is very very smart, actually, she amazes me sometimes...
but she's so frail and small, sometimes I feel that she's gonna break...

I wonder, about the human body, and what it's capable of....
is it that frail walking organ? or is it stronger than it appears?
Take my sister for example, she's a half anorexic half bulimic, coffee addict, who smokes...
she's not a heavy smoker... and I thank god for that... but still... how she survives until today is beyond me.... actually a few years ago she had this thing a "cyst" I'm not even sure it's spelled that way... anyway she had this thing in her ovaries and she had this operation ... and its cause was under nutrition.

but she's still there... and oddly enough,... she's still healthy

but then I look at myself... and see how taking a shot once a week did ALL that to me....
this week was awful... but I don't wana start ranting and whinig about it...

I also wonder if modern medicine has any use to mankind...
I don't want to sound evil but sometimes, when I look at my baby cousin, and remember how she only had a 90% chance of surviving when she got born... and how modern medicine made her survive.... and think of how she might never be as healthy as other kids, I just feel that maybe it would've been better if she hadn't survived.... for her sake..
she has ashthma,... but something inside me tells me it's way beyond that and it makes me very sad....
I feel that the normal course of life goes as it should... people live and people die....
but then we try to fight it by making people suffer all their lives in order to survive...
by all this I'm not referring to my case, actually, I should thank modern medicine
I consider myself pretty lucky... in a month it will all stop and I will be a healthy girl again... this actually calls for a celebration :)

I was thinking about this conversation while writing this post...

Celine: The past is the past. It was meant to be that way.
Jesse: What, you really believe that? That everything's fated?
Celine: Well, you know, the world might be less free than we think.
Jesse: Yeah?
Celine: Yeah, when given these exact circumstances, that's what will happen every time: two part hydrogen, one part oxygen, you get water every time.
Jesse: No, no, I - I - I mean what if your grandmother had lived a week longer, or, you know, or passed away a week earlier, days even. You know things might have been different. I believe that.
Celine: You can't think like that, it's...
Jesse: No, I mean, I know you shouldn't on most things, but - It's just, on this one it seemed like something was off, you know?

water... every single time....
what if it was still water alright but contaminated water?
I think human emtions are more complex than that...
maybe...
I just hope that even if life changes....
this thing in my head would always stay the same

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The best feeling ever is that moment in time when I laugh about something I never thought I'd laugh about, today I did and it felt wonderful.

I'm very emtional but I always find it hard to cry, last year I didn't stop but I'm going back to the girl I used to be....
I wish I could cry...
tears around the corners of my eyes come out easily but they barely even reach the ground.... I I want real heartfelt, losing it type of crying

I'm listening to a song that made me cry the first time I heard it, but it's not working.

I'm so bored....... and I need human company, that's why I'm writing nonsense....
It's always at this hour of the night you remember how you just want to call some long lost friend and talk.
I'm not bored in my life in general and I think that's what keeps me going...
That time... when I lost interest in life...
I had nothing to do... sometimes I stayed for three days in bed just staring at the ceiling and not talking to a soul.... and even when someone came in to talk I barely answered....
maybe that's why I don't talk as much as before, I've become aquainted with silence....
now there are many things that keep me going... but I still have my moments of insignificance...
of worthlessness...

I think that's enough for today.... I'm not even getting anywhere..

jkenfjwjgbjrwg

Mixed up emotions, mixed up thoughts
I was so happy just a few hours ago...
.... what happened???
ahhhhhhh there's so much I want to let out, I don't even know where to begin...
The beat is still banging in my head....
today we had this concert at el sakia, a tabla concert, our tabla class.... well, we only played one piece.... I was so happy, full of all that enegry that I once.... a long time ago had
and then I got home.... with a fever... WHY?
I've been well for about a month now.... and lately I can be out all day long and survive.... why now?
I know that I've been overexhausting myself lately ... and I know I shouldn't....
every day I feel happy and sad simultanously... or maybe they're just crazy moments of extreme happiness and sadness that shift every five seconds....
I'm always close to tears but at the same time I know that deep inside I am content... and sometimes I'd be even full of energy .... and then the next second I think "I just want to die" and right then I tell myself.. "why but life is so beautiful"
it's crazy... my mind is playing evil games on me
simple little things make me very happy but very very sad as well...
sometimes I'd be around people and I'd be suffocating inside.... I start feeling uneasy and start stutering or mumbling uncoherent words....
sometimes I feel like I just want to run away and cry
Sometimes I feel that I have no words to say, that I'd rather remain silent my whole life....
I get so scared thinking that I might never find people I connect with just because I don't want to open my mouth...
but life is still good...
yeah I know it's crazy...
Yesterday, for instance, when I got out of class I saw my best friend and another friend, when I went over they were telling me how they were just talking about me and how much of a bad taste in movies I have.... of course I protested vigourously telling them how great and amazing my taste is heheh , they were both telling me that "garden state" is not such a great movie and that it's just.. boring... I got so annoyed at them... it's stupid to get annoyed at something like that... I kept telling them that there is no such thing as a good or bad taste and it's a matter of how you see things and how you relate.... I can't even start to describe how this movie is close to my heart... I think it's because I saw it at that "perfect" time... well it was far from perfect... obviously... I meant, that perfect time, when I'd feel every single scene very intensly....
so I actually get offended when someone says it's a bad movie... I know I'm stupid
so anyway... I always lose track... I was staying in Uni to see an italian film called "the bicycle thief" and on my way there I saw this guy that I only met once... he asked me if I was going home and I told him about this film screening... he was also going , so on our way there we were talking about movies... he asked me if I know "garden state" .... I know it's weird... the movie was haunting me all day.... I told him that I just loooove it and that it's one of my favs.... he said he like the humor in it.... and at that second... I swear... I wanted to kiss him... and that actually made me happy... finalllllllllly someone understands!!!
so yeah I'm alone in this crazy world... most of the time I'd be somewhere else... in order not face awkward conversations.... but I have hope that one day I will talk again and never stop.... and if I don't talk... someone out there somewhere will look into my eyes and would just know