Pathetic

Why did I get myself into this?
this vicious unending cycle between us,
doesn't seem to stop. Ever!
Our time together was this little magical glowing gem in my memory
its how my mind designed it to be
its how my mind wanted it to be
but now with every word you utter
a little bit of the magic is crushed
what do you want from me anyway?
you made me realize how much the brain deceives
how a fantasy can drown us in fake illusions
and it's pathetic really!
I can't even love you anymore
or feel anything towards you
towards anyone
towards anything
Once a long time ago, my insides were bursting with joy at the mere sight of you
yeah, I remember quite well how I felt at that time
I remember just by a single touch of your fingertips, my body was filled with a rush
what happened to that?
Now I tell you about some of my deepest feelings and you laugh at them jokingly
yeah, I know that that's how you are, and that's how we're like together
but not everything is a joke
and don't get me wrong
I love laughter and jokes,
but it's not funny anymore
it's old repeated and boring
we're so different
from complete different worlds
how did I never notice that before
you think you're the best thing that happened to me.
you think I'm still ooohh so in love with you
well that's so vain of you
because I've been struggling with that
if I can't be excited about this
about something that I had longed for a long time ago
then maybe nothing will ever do!
maybe I have become incapable of loving....
In a very short time my heart beat and crushed and beat and crushed
it's become dysfunctional
Noone seems to strike my interest
and I give up
I give up on you
I give up on the search
the only reason i picked up the phone when you first called
was out of lonliness
was out of missing having a male voice at the other end, late at night before going to sleep
it's pathetic.... really really pathetic
all it did was make me feel more alone
I'm so angry at you
but more at myself
I'm a pathetic creature