Life is not supposed to be happy
I know that,
everything comes to an end eventually
I know that also,
I know that happy moments exist so we can remember them again and again....
to make us get through the sad times
sometimes you just don't accept that something ended and instead of retaining that perfect ending, the one that will always leave you with feelings of fondness and love, you just mess it up and it ceases to be that perfect little place in your memory
I think I've learned where to draw that line, or I'm in the process of learning it...
but it doesn't stop me from wondering...
what if?


I remember, a supposedly last day with a certain ex of mine...
I remember getting out of his car and telling him. "It's not the end I just feel it inside."
and it wasn't... I'm known for having these gut feelings that turn out right most of the time
and I'm glad that this day wasn't the end of us, what I regret however, is the way I acted or even the way he did after it was actually over.... it just blew all the magic
but still... maybe it was supposed to be that way, maybe I was meant to snap out of my illusion...
maybe...
I know that by looking back and seeing how abusive this relationship was (emotionally abusive) and how much it fucked me up I just moved on, so yeah it helped but it's just not the same for me anymore... I don't think I can ever hate him... but he will never be that person he used to be to me....
I just wish we could stop being attached to a person yet stay fond forever....
is it possible?

My baby cousin came over yesterday, I was reading her this children's story from a book that I had since I was a child....
There's a certain page with a certain picture, that just brought me back in time
It's weird how much capacity our memories have
and it's even weirder how I related to that story... it was my favourite one back then...
My baby cousin is very very smart, actually, she amazes me sometimes...
but she's so frail and small, sometimes I feel that she's gonna break...

I wonder, about the human body, and what it's capable of....
is it that frail walking organ? or is it stronger than it appears?
Take my sister for example, she's a half anorexic half bulimic, coffee addict, who smokes...
she's not a heavy smoker... and I thank god for that... but still... how she survives until today is beyond me.... actually a few years ago she had this thing a "cyst" I'm not even sure it's spelled that way... anyway she had this thing in her ovaries and she had this operation ... and its cause was under nutrition.

but she's still there... and oddly enough,... she's still healthy

but then I look at myself... and see how taking a shot once a week did ALL that to me....
this week was awful... but I don't wana start ranting and whinig about it...

I also wonder if modern medicine has any use to mankind...
I don't want to sound evil but sometimes, when I look at my baby cousin, and remember how she only had a 90% chance of surviving when she got born... and how modern medicine made her survive.... and think of how she might never be as healthy as other kids, I just feel that maybe it would've been better if she hadn't survived.... for her sake..
she has ashthma,... but something inside me tells me it's way beyond that and it makes me very sad....
I feel that the normal course of life goes as it should... people live and people die....
but then we try to fight it by making people suffer all their lives in order to survive...
by all this I'm not referring to my case, actually, I should thank modern medicine
I consider myself pretty lucky... in a month it will all stop and I will be a healthy girl again... this actually calls for a celebration :)

I was thinking about this conversation while writing this post...

Celine: The past is the past. It was meant to be that way.
Jesse: What, you really believe that? That everything's fated?
Celine: Well, you know, the world might be less free than we think.
Jesse: Yeah?
Celine: Yeah, when given these exact circumstances, that's what will happen every time: two part hydrogen, one part oxygen, you get water every time.
Jesse: No, no, I - I - I mean what if your grandmother had lived a week longer, or, you know, or passed away a week earlier, days even. You know things might have been different. I believe that.
Celine: You can't think like that, it's...
Jesse: No, I mean, I know you shouldn't on most things, but - It's just, on this one it seemed like something was off, you know?

water... every single time....
what if it was still water alright but contaminated water?
I think human emtions are more complex than that...
maybe...
I just hope that even if life changes....
this thing in my head would always stay the same