Wearing my new dress yesterday, the recurring thought in my head was this: I'm not going to that wedding with these fat legs of mine... why did the dress have to be short, I don't want my knees to show... his words... "your legs are fat" were hovering above my head, reminding me every second how unattractive I looked. Why do his words affect me so much, just when I thought his words can't really cause any harm, since I don't really love him that much, actually I don't love him at all. His words, were a reminder of all the times in my life, he hurt my ego, for all the times he made feel so small and worthless, and it stung, especially that my biggest 3o2da for the last three years was my legs. "It's not fat, it's muscles" I told him.... which I think is even worse, it makes me feel so very unfeminine. I started cursing him and the day I ever met him, all he brought upon me was pain and frustration in my life. From day one... or maybe not day one... I'd say week one? Yeah, from the very first week I knew him he was doing that to me.
For the whole night I was thinking of nothing but "your legs are fat"
How pathtic is that?
Even when this guy who liked me ages ago was all like... "you got much prettier with the new haircut and all" or any other similar comment... I was annoyed at anyone who commented on my looks because in my mind I was the most unattractive person there is.
That's how he makes me feel...
ever since I can remember, that's how he always made me feel...
and I wonder...
why did I ever pick up the phone the first time he called
and why did I continue doing that?
and WHY did I let him affect me
and the thing is...
I don't even like him
and no it's not defense mechanism....
so many things he said were major TURN OFFS for me...
the only thing that made him bearable to me was that past we shared together
and that's it.
Now I will go through that busy day of mine...
and I will try not to think about it
even though I know it's not possible
the damage has been done
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4 comments:
Your posts are becoming kind of weird, but I'm sure your legs are fine
this might drag a bit:
So I used to be with that guy who was sooooo into skinny girlie girls, I'm not a typical girl and I'm not skinny (just fairly slim)! That guy bruised my ego and my self esteem for so long... I lost 6 kilos when I was with him... I was totally transformed into something I hate when I was with him... I did small talk... I ignored things and people I loved... I prioritized him over everything though he constantly broke my spirits! luckily it only lasted 4 months (or was it 5?)...
After we broke up, I started gaining my lost weight back (I was so relieved I can just be myself and eat like a pig again :D ) but it stayed with me for a while... like I'd see my legs and go "oh my God they're fat!" (yes I had the EXACT same problem) thing is... all it took was some good time and some other things that raised my self esteem back to okay level!
Hmm.. think of it this way... they're not fat... they're curvy.. curvy is hot :D
I know I don't know what you look like, but I bet if I did I'd ask you out... ahem.. if I were a guy that is!
ur comment made me smile not only for the 'I'd ask you out ... if I were a guy' heheh but also because I know exactly what you mean.
The exact same thing happened to me with this guy!!!
every single thing you just mentioned
and marooned
weird? How?
what's wrong with fat legs?!o-0
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