On childhood and firsts

first time I encountered/understood death:

I was still in preschool and on my 'Probewoche', a week that you spend at school, so they would test your capabilities and accordingly would either accept you or not. The school was close to my mother's grandmother and everyday, when I finished my two hours of doing nothing and watching other kids play, my mother would pick me up and we'd walk to her house. She had a huge shabby, mirror at the entrance and her house reeked of dust and antiquity. One day, I was asking the teacher every five seconds if it's time to go. Angryly she grabbed my hand and took me outside to the waiting parents. It wasn't time to go yet. I saw my mother's face amid the many parents. That day we didn't walk to her house. I asked my mother for the reason behind that. My mother explained to me that she's no longer on this universe, and that she's somewhere in the sky. I didn't take death as tragic. It felt very dreamy to me, to be somewhere else.



first time I learned about god:

I remember a car and trees outside the window, but I can't fit the place or context. I would most probably guess that it was Alexandria. My garndmother's maid was with us in the car. She was young, 16 i'd say. She started working there when her father, my grandmother's cook passed away. He always made us 'Kotombotom', it's a rice filled kofta type (name made up by us) that, we, the grandchildren loved and always asked for. She still makes kotombotom until this day. She always slept over at our house when our parents when out at night and she told me the most fantastical of stories, she also read me the 'maktaba el khadra' books. I remember watching the trees and asking her

"menen beyeegy el shagar, meen 3amaloh?"

"rabena. howa elly 3amel kol haga."

"howa rabena wehesh?"

"la2 matooleesh keda ghalat rabena helw we kwayes."

I remember I couldn't quite grasp the idea yet. It was above my head.



first time I saw a penis:

I was in nursery 'Prince and Queen', and I don't know why but there was only one bathroom for girls and boys, so this one day I went in and a little naked boy was running from the teacher. She wanted to teshatafo. He had a dwindling part that I didn't have. I looked at it in amazment.



first time I got bullied on:

I was sitting in the schoolyard, in one of the sandboxes, made for kindergarten children. Everyday before recess, a teacher would come and pour water out of a bucket on the sand, to make it softer yet more firm. That way, children could mould and shape the sand to create, castles, volcanoes and miniature people. I remember, that once the water is dipped children would all gather around the sticky area and chant “Balabeezo ramla balabeezo ramla” (Balabeezo: a made up children’s word ramla: sand). That day, I was out early on recess and had reserved a space in that special Balabeezo area, which was something infrequent, because everyone ran towards that area the minute the rang bell. I spent almost an hour in the sand, or that’s how my mind remembers it to be, since time can be very deceiving in its calculations, especially when you’re a kid and still don’t wear a watch on your wrist. Very engrossed in shaping the sand with my little hands, I tried to make the most beautiful of castles. I imagined how when it’s done, princesses would enter ballroom parties, with their flowing nightgowns and sparkling diamonds covering their necks and wrists and carriages would be waiting outside, with horses as white as pure snow on a crispy morning of a winter’s day. Lost in my reverie I put my hands away and stared ahead, when suddenly two feet jumped in front of me and crushed my hard work, along with the fantasy that accompanied it.

first public humiliation:

I was in Kindergarten, going home with the bus. I wanted to pee very badly, I couldn't hold it. So I went to the woman, who sits at the front of the bus and told her that I desperatly need to pee. She told me to wait. Then the bus stopped, we had reached a girl's house. The woman took me out to a garage opening and told me to pee on the floor. I didn't know what to do, though I despertaly wanted to pee I was reluctant to take off my pants in front of the whole street. But I did.