Monday, June 30, 2008

I have a pleasant looking face meaning: the impression I give based on how I look is that of a pure, kindhearted, non-grudge holding, quiet and friendly person... well I can leave out the friendly part because a lot of times I give the "back off" or "don't approach me" attitude.
My grandmother calls me "nesma" lol except lately she says nesme we feeha 3asefa every now and then.
Based on how I look noone can ever guess the dark thoughts that can sometimes envelop my being. Nobody can guess how mean I can sometimes be. Nobody can guess the saracastic/mean comments that are always in my head, they're never uttered though. Maybe that's why. It's so easy being deceived and I'm a great indication of that. Because they can't see it with their eyes, they automatically assume it doesn't exist. It's like that with everything.
I hate it when someone says I'm pure or kind because eventhough I'm empathetic by nature, eventhogh I feel good when I help out a friend or someone in need. I AM NOT THAT PURE.

So many layers of anger, rage, sadness and resentment are buried so deep inside of me underneath perfectly numb skin.
One day it will all come out.
it's gonna be ugly.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

"you know what I think?"


"I think I'm gonna take these japanese courses and reach like the fifth level..."

"and then get bored and quit?"
I didn't even have to finish the sentence, she just knows me too well...
does she?

I wonder if anyone really does...
some people at some point get a grasp of what I'm about but does anyone truly know me?
Do I truly know anyone?
DO i even know me?

I wish I could hold your hand really tight and get through everything inside, just for a second.
I want you to do the same with me.

Monday, June 23, 2008

I want to believe in something!


Thursday, June 19, 2008

woke up, my heart was pounding really hard and my whole body was throbbing.
I stopped taking the medications about 2 months ago but I still don't feel 100% alright. It's normal I guess... I went through two diseases in the past couple of years it will take time.
Yesterday, I was afraid of being groped all day, whenever I'm on the street I tense up everytime someone is 5 inches away (what's an inch aslan... I don't know how to measure in inches but anyway... anyone who was a bit close). The image of the man was haunting me all day, I could be exeggerating but I couldn't get it off all day yesterday.
I cooled down today. At least I'm not feeling nauseous anymore.
I want to get out of here....
this place, and everything surrounding me.
Everyday the feeling increases. Most people who live abroad or who lived there for a while say that the thing they miss about Egypt is its warmth.
To me this doesn't matter because this warmth they talk about doesn't exist for me.
I always feel detached, alienated, not here.
My existence lies somewhere else. The person who talking with others, the human blood and flesh person that is there in actual presence is not me. Because I moved somewhere else long ago. I live on a planet far away.
Family gatherings are always so fake. I've become cold towards friends. And the warmth from my immediate family suffocates me.
Why can't I find it in my heart to forgive some people?
I learned to get by on my own. I don't need people anymore.
Before my illness I was dependant on others to make me feel better.
During that time I realized that nobody will help me but me.
I had so many low moments but none of my friends knew.
I remember that month, my parents were in the US and I was suffering from eppstein virus. A fever that lasts for about a month and a half, and even when the fever is over you stay exhaused for a long time. (By no means am I blaming them for travelling, I'm the one who reasurred them that I was ok and I didn't mind.)The thing is, at that time my grandmother stayed over, to supposedly take care of me, but I never wanted to ask anything from her. My sister was always either in Uni or out. and my friends.... don't even let me get there. So I spent a whole month alone. I didn't even want to drop the semster because I had gone a long way while being sick (at first I didn't know I had the virus I thought it was just fever) so I thought I've gone this far khals ba2a makamel el semester.
I had no appetite and barely ate anything, and when I did I was too tired to go make myself something to eat and there was no one around to make me food. None of friends helped with uni stuff. I remember this week. I nearly colapsed in Uni and I was crying so hard and had no energy to even get up. I even made a scene in class, because I was so stressed out. That day so many people called and offered help. People that are not even so close. But the next day... nada! Anyway it was better that way. It taught me to depend on myself. During that month I thought that this is the lowest of the low. I never knew that this was a bliss compared to the medications for hepatits C.
I'm not playing the victim here, I'm just saying... people will never be there for you when you need them most. That's something I learned. That doesn't make those people "bad". It's just life. Everyone has his own conflicts and problems so people become busy, they get occupied by their own life.
and this is why I believe I can get by on my own anywhere.
I want to get out of here.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

This is so bad

Today, while going up the elevator with this man, who was delivering this cupboard to our neighbours.... I feel so nauseous now. This sucks! Well... He was going out of the elevator but he was having diffuculty moving the thing so I helped him getting it out, and that's when his hand brushed against my boobs, I thought it was undeliberate but I just froze in my place because I got so startled so then he grabbed them, and this time it wasn't unitentional at all. I pushed his hands away and kicked out the thing. I don't know how this happened but by the time the thing was outside he was also outside. I shut the door quickly and frantically pushed the button to my floor, but the elevator didn't move. I was shaking hard, so I pushed any other button and it finally moved. I should've slapped him, I should've slapped him, I should've slapped him. At moments like these I wish I was a guy, I wish I had no boobs. And the worst part is, that this is actually normal and it happens to every single girl. I hate him and I hate the feeling he gave me, I hate the pervy society we're living in. I feel so disgusted.
If that's how it feels like when getting touched by a stranger than I can't even imagine how a raped girl would feel. It must be the worst thing that could happen to a girl.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

"My stuttering, I need hardly say, placed an obstacle between me and the outside world. It is the first sound that I have trouble in uttering. The first sound is like a key to the door that seperates my inner world from the outside world, and I have never known that key to turn smoothly in its lock. Most people, thanks to their easy command of words, can keep this door between the inner world and outer world wide open, so that the air passes freelybetween the two; but for me this has been quite impossible. Thick rust has gathered on the key."

"Once my solitude had started, I realized anew it was easy for me to become accustomed to this state and that the most effortless excistence for me was in fact in which I was not obliged to speak to anyone."

Yukio Mishima- The Temple of the Golden Pavilion

I know that my stuttering is not THAT bad but I really liked these parts and I totally relate to the second one. I have to read more of Yukio Mishima. I love his writing and the way he digs so deep in the human psychology.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

so I was tagged by Kovs...
now I have to think of 6 quirks I have
I can honestly think of only one
well, I alwaysss have to lock the bathroom door, even if I'm the only one at home. If I don't I get irritated and feel uncomfortable.