woke up, my heart was pounding really hard and my whole body was throbbing.
I stopped taking the medications about 2 months ago but I still don't feel 100% alright. It's normal I guess... I went through two diseases in the past couple of years it will take time.
Yesterday, I was afraid of being groped all day, whenever I'm on the street I tense up everytime someone is 5 inches away (what's an inch aslan... I don't know how to measure in inches but anyway... anyone who was a bit close). The image of the man was haunting me all day, I could be exeggerating but I couldn't get it off all day yesterday.
I cooled down today. At least I'm not feeling nauseous anymore.
I want to get out of here....
this place, and everything surrounding me.
Everyday the feeling increases. Most people who live abroad or who lived there for a while say that the thing they miss about Egypt is its warmth.
To me this doesn't matter because this warmth they talk about doesn't exist for me.
I always feel detached, alienated, not here.
My existence lies somewhere else. The person who talking with others, the human blood and flesh person that is there in actual presence is not me. Because I moved somewhere else long ago. I live on a planet far away.
Family gatherings are always so fake. I've become cold towards friends. And the warmth from my immediate family suffocates me.
Why can't I find it in my heart to forgive some people?
I learned to get by on my own. I don't need people anymore.
Before my illness I was dependant on others to make me feel better.
During that time I realized that nobody will help me but me.
I had so many low moments but none of my friends knew.
I remember that month, my parents were in the US and I was suffering from eppstein virus. A fever that lasts for about a month and a half, and even when the fever is over you stay exhaused for a long time. (By no means am I blaming them for travelling, I'm the one who reasurred them that I was ok and I didn't mind.)The thing is, at that time my grandmother stayed over, to supposedly take care of me, but I never wanted to ask anything from her. My sister was always either in Uni or out. and my friends.... don't even let me get there. So I spent a whole month alone. I didn't even want to drop the semster because I had gone a long way while being sick (at first I didn't know I had the virus I thought it was just fever) so I thought I've gone this far khals ba2a makamel el semester.
I had no appetite and barely ate anything, and when I did I was too tired to go make myself something to eat and there was no one around to make me food. None of friends helped with uni stuff. I remember this week. I nearly colapsed in Uni and I was crying so hard and had no energy to even get up. I even made a scene in class, because I was so stressed out. That day so many people called and offered help. People that are not even so close. But the next day... nada! Anyway it was better that way. It taught me to depend on myself. During that month I thought that this is the lowest of the low. I never knew that this was a bliss compared to the medications for hepatits C.
I'm not playing the victim here, I'm just saying... people will never be there for you when you need them most. That's something I learned. That doesn't make those people "bad". It's just life. Everyone has his own conflicts and problems so people become busy, they get occupied by their own life.
and this is why I believe I can get by on my own anywhere.
I want to get out of here.