Sunday, September 21, 2008

I always blog when I'm feeling bad.
Today I'm feeling good though.
I felt all kinds of different emtions in one day.
I have bald spots!!!!!
I'm too young for this, they're not visible but I see them when I brush my hair.
khara khara khara
and I'm also very retarded but I'm not blogging about this one to save myself some embaressment.
I wanted to stop blogging a while ago, but I just can't.
I have to delete it if I want to stop blogging.
and I'm not sure I want to.

I asked him what he prefers... too many colors or black and white.
He said black and white tab3an.
I said that I just loooooove colors. Too many at one, Amelie style.
"because I'm such a cheerful person. Zay manta 3aref" I said sarcastically
but seriously, I love colors so much.
But if I ever make a film I'm so sure it's not gonna be something like Amelie, it will be something like Lost in Translation. It also has colors but in a calmer way. Can I even describe colors as being calm?
Sad but funny, touching in a way, not too romantic, unclassified relationship, real and mundane but not boring, aestetically beautiful, amazing color compostion
and the scene when he touches her feet keda... offf I can't even start describing how much it gets to me
oooff I just love Lost in Translation
it always gets me in this certain mood after watching it

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Lonliness is a state of mind.
Happiness is a state of mind.
Comfort is a state of mind.
Satisafaction is a state of mind.

Everything is.

Then we confuse the tangible with the intangible, we search for reasons behind what we feel, we manipulate our outer life so it could correspond with our inner life.
It will never work.
If you're feeling lonely you'll always feel that way no matter how many people you interact with during the day.
If you're sad no matter what you do for fun, the sadness lurking within will find its way out.
Some days I wake up with a smile, even if everything around is falling apart.
On others, I wake up feeling heavy, carrying a burden beyond my capablities, no matter how everything is there in its place.

Maybe it's the human balance.
When you reach the depth of the low, your body, in order to retain its balance has to reach the opposite on its own.
Just the way we shiver when its cold to get warmer, and sweat when its hot to prevent dehydration.

I find it strange how some people tell me that I understand them so well, and how I'm one of the closest to them, when I don't feel the same.
I try to recall the last time I confinded in a friend, had a heartfelt conversation and got out all the confusion and diruption outside in the open, but I don't seem to remember.
Even when I talk to someone about my feelings, I do it in a very shallow manner.
I want to let someone in, but I can't find someone worth letting in.
Even yesterday, when my best friend was telling me about her worries, about her aches and pains, I just listened.
I couldn't even get myself to tell her that I've been crying non-stop for the past two days.
I can't even trace its source, because nothing is wrong with my life right now.
If anything, things are going rather well.
The one I cried for, 'can't breathe' type of crying. The one, who abandoned me when I most needed him, the one that made me feel inadeqate for loving, is now calling me on a regular basis.
I'm slowly finding passion in the things I do. Life is interesting.
Maybe it's in the intense headaches, the excruiating exhaustion. Maybe it's the fact that I feel physically old, that I can't even enjoy life because I'm tired and I'd rather sleep than do whatever. Maybe it's because no one can ever know or feel what I'm feeling, which makes me realize how very alone we're in it. We're totally on our own in this world, no matter how much we try to make it look otherwise.
Maybe it's because I can't make myself love 'me'.
or maybe it's like I said, the human balance.
But in order to reach this depth, you have to reach a certain height, which is something I didn't feel long ago.
My feelings have become shallow, they don't reach extreme depths or heights.
So what is it? what is it?
Why can't my tear glands dry out.
Thinking about it now, I think the last time I actually cried was 9 months ago.
Maybe that's why. My body needs to purify itself from the clutter hoarded within.
I miss so many things, people and places.
I miss tae kwon do days, I miss lazy summer afternoons on the beach, and pancake breakfasts at friend's chalets, I miss certain smells I know I'd never smell again, I miss certain faces and smiles. I miss someone's warm hug and I miss the days when the one I loved was just an image in my memory. I miss running without getting tired. I miss so many many things.
I miss my childhood fantasy world, I miss the imagination that got lost in the way of growing up. Even though I'm still grasping hard on a part of it and will never let go, the growing up process is pulling from the other end. I will not falter, I tell myself. But it keeps pulling harder and harder.

I wish I could let someone in, I wish I could find someone worth letting in.
I wish certain people wouldn't feel ceratin things towards me because it's a strain knowing I can never give it back.
I wish I could let someone hug me without tensing up, or to let someone cross the perimeter, that I forbade anyone to cross.
I wish intimacy wouldn't scare me that much, I wish for my cold exterior to soften.
I want to like people again.

Wednesday, September 3, 2008

why does everything seem so much beautiful when looked upon in retrospect?
I guess we edit so much from our memories, or forget how we actually felt at that time.
Or maybe it's the other way around, maybe we realize that we made a big fuss out of silly problems and think, why couldn't we have enjoyed it more, because seriously, there was nothing to worry about that much.