Saturday, May 24, 2008

isn't it weird that

- the first time I tried sushi I felt I was in heaven
- everytime I'm somewhere with karaoke I'd be the first one on stage
- that I've always had a fascination for kanji letters, even though I didn't know they were called kanji back then, I called them chinese letters, I even had a necklace with the word 'love' in kanji
- I've always had a fascination for dragons, even as a kid before I knew they were related to chinese mythology
- that I always loved martial arts even before trying them, I used to watch karate kid and wish for my own mister miagy :)
- that I love asian food in general
- I had a crush on samurai guy, and the korean guy who came for an exchange thing with our school choir (and I talked to neither of them, I'm a dork like that)

I can't think of other things right now but I'm so sure that the list is so much longer than that
I was born in the wrong place! Seriously! or in the wrong body....
maybe I shouldv'e been a male instead of female...
well now I'm comfortable in my female body but for such a long time I was really trying to adjust
as kids, my sister used to get things like barbies and baby born, and I used to get playstation games, remote control cars, all the guys toys, I always had a weird violent streak (but I don't think that goes back to my tomboyishness... it has more to do with I don't know.... maybe the feelings that I try hard to supress?)
anyway what I'm trying to say is, that I was either born in the wrong place, the wrong body or even in the wrong time, sometimes I feel that I belong in a time when they used torches to light the way, when they used feathers to write, a time when things were slower....
I'm such a slowpaced person and sometimes I feel that I can't keep up with this world that keeps pushing.... that counts every second... that measures time and supresses it.
Even my choice in film, I always get drawn to realllly slowpaced films, I watched "Death in Venice" a few weeks ago and I thought it was one of the best films I've ever seen... it's sooooo slow though.... I think that most people will get restless watching it....
actually the board members (or whatever their called) of my school didn't want to accept me in school because I was a slow person WTF ( I was in kindergarten for god sakes 7aram 3aleihom!!!)
I'm not so slow as much as I'm always somewhere else....
In first grade, when I was in recess, I used to sit there and stare ahead and get sooo lost, the bell would ring, everyone would go up to class and I'd still be sitting there not even aware that the bell has rung and then I wake up from my reverie and look around me, and find noone, the whole area around me would be empty, I rush to class and tell the teacher I was in the bathroom, I used to get embarresed saying something like "I was daydreaming, I didn't even hear the bell" so I stuck with the bathroom story hehhehe I was such a stupid kid
I talk a lot about me as a kid don't I?
I don't know why I do that.... but I believe that the version of kid me (of kid everyone) is the real version of the person.... of course all versions are real, and the person we are is an accumelation of all the people we've been, the people that we've met who influenced us, the things we saw and read, life shapes us but we the remain of the same substance
if you're made of red dough, you'll always remain 'red dough',
the little red dough ball will stretch from each side, it could get squeezed, a piece might be taken away from it, it could get scratched, imprinted on with different patterns and shapes....
but it will remain a red dough
actually after my almost one year isolation from the world I realized that the person I am now, resembles the kid me so much
there's this quote I wrote down from Haruki Murakami's 'Kafka on the shore' that says: " the child's the father of the man."....
I want to meet the kid me and talk to her :)
that would be interesting
you know when there's a certain insignificant moment that pops to your head out of nowhere?
well, a few days ago I remembered when I was in Luxor and Aswan with my parents, I think I was 9 or something, I'm not sure...
and then this woman came over to ask me something like "where's the bathroom?" so I gave her this elaborate made up answer something like "it used to be here yesterday, but when I came here today I couldn't find it, turns out that this magician came and made it invisible, the only way to actually see it is to search for the watever stone or something" (that wasn't my story I'm just giving an example of how it was like). The woman looked at me and smiled "lazem tetla3y kateba" she said .... I gave her this disgusted look and said "Ya3... they're all unattractive and wear glasses" heheh that was so stereotypical, what I don't understand is that I was actually very tomboysih at that time and didn't care less about my appearance, I always wore baggy pants and T-shirts.... we mesh fahma.... where did I get that from (unattractive, wearing glasses) heheh ... and I used to have a diary and write short stories, even back then bas bardo the idea of becoming a writer was somehow disgusting lol

ok that's it for now

everyone is so stressed out with the finals and freaking out, and I'm watching them amused hehhe

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

watching us suffer in finals and amused?? u're mean ya bent enty!

i loved the post btw :) and i totally agree, we are always the same kids we were one day .... life just teaches us to mask it with lots of layers as time goes by ... but we still are just the same ... even the same insecurities are there ... MY GOD ...

anyways, u do write well so maybe you should consider being one of those ya33 people :P

cheers and have a great night :)

kov

silent observer said...

hahahha yeah I'm mean...
I only have 2 finals :) we ay kalam begad
hahhah sebny afra7 fel nas shwaya, next semester I don't think I'd be able to even breathe!

Anonymous said...

lol :D
this post is cute!!

"
if you're made of red dough, you'll always remain 'red dough',
the little red dough ball will stretch from each side, it could get squeezed, a piece might be taken away from it, it could get scratched, imprinted on with different patterns and shapes....
but it will remain a red dough"

yep, sooo true and nicely put!