Sunday, November 30, 2008

Three things always fascinate me



and stillness

actually they're four, dreams also fascinate me

Death In Venice

how can death be so poetic?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Dear Phone

You've been through a lot with me, witnessed many break-ups, received so many messages of hatred and love, messages of anger and messages that just warmed me up inside, sometimes even flirty messages. You've been tossed around so many times. I'm so sorry about that. Even though you were a crappy phone, I loved you to bits. You were there when I didn't want to answer anyone's calls. You were there when I watched you for hours, waiting... waiting.... and waiting for a certain someone to call.....
you know more about me that my friends do, you know so much....
I know you might think I'm replacing you with a shiny new thing, but I really am not. It's just that you stopped vibrating and I hate all your ringtones, and you know quite well that I'm not the type who would download a ringtone and stuff. I like to keep it simple, beep once and vibration. I don't know if the new one will hold precious memories as the ones that I hold with you, but one thing is for sure...
I will miss you.
Don't hate me, I didn't abandon you. I just had to get a new one.

Monday, November 17, 2008

A swarm of neurons flow in my head and produce signals and images of moments in life that mattered. To each neuron a a feeling is connected, an image chained to a feeling, both come accompanied. Like children walking hand in hand.
In a random organized procedure, images strike as flashes
A mental image affects the senses and drowns me into moments long gone
a voice or a smell appears
non-existent smells of molecules long evaporated from the universe
and I wonder
if maybe this smell still exists in a box or a cave
An image of you is nestled on one of those million neurons
it has claimed its place and sat there comfortably spreading its roots in the soil below
I'm afraid the image is destined to stay eternally
with time passing the image decays and fades
like a polaroid in reverse
A faded photograph is what remains
of you
flashes of moments undetailed
and an image of a blurry face
that's all what remains
but I'm afraid it will always stay

Friday, November 14, 2008

I was using the bathroom at a friend's house, and while looking at the mirror, I realized that I prgressed so much since the last time I was there looking at the same mirror.
The last time, which was more than a year ago, it was another friend's birthday at his place. That day they all went horsebackriding, but I was too tired to go, or move or do anything. I stayed at his place and watched 'surf's up'. I rememebered how I was feeling, and at what stage I actually was back then, I looked in the mirror and smiled. That second I was very happy. From being too tired to go horsebackriding, I can go through very long days and do many things. Lately I'm having some peace of mind and I believe that I'm actually very happy. I've become more levelheaded, more stable, I think.
well I could go on and on, so much has been going through my mind, but I forgot all about it. All I know is that I am happy, the kind of happy that is internal. The kind of happy that's not easily taken away. As corny as it sounds, I really appreaciate every second now.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

I got intorrogated by a detective
there's always a first for everything :)

Sunday, November 9, 2008

why the hell does everyone keep on asking me if I'm tired and if I'm feeling ok
allll the time
why why why?
Yesterday I didn't feel tired but I heard it about 3 times...
"am I supposed to be tired?"
maybe I stopped feeling tired because I have gotten used to that feeling
it's part of me now
you know like entering a room that smells
at first you won't be able to tolerate it, but after a while you won't notice anyomore

I was complaining to my dad
"Do I look tired? I'm so sick of that"
that's what he told me
"maybe you just need to brush your hair" lol

Friday, November 7, 2008

Apathy or whatever....

so Obama won...
and I don't know what else is happening in the world...
I should care right?
I'm a journalist after all...
but the thing is
I don't
I wish I would
at a certain phase of my life I wanted to start a revolution and overthrow the system... yeah adolescent dreams
I used to tell the teachers academics are crap and why the hell do need to go to school anyways?
I got a lot of Fs doing that,
I once told everyone in class not to attend, to go on a strike because they fired a teacher we all liked back then...
nobody did of course, they were cowardly... they were afraid of getting a Tadel (this warning letter you get)
they were always so cowardly
I got three that year, but not for noble reasons, mostly for skipping classes or doing watever
I had passion back then, towards issues, I wanted to fix the world, I wanted to be a war correspondant, I wanted to make a big change
now I'm just apathetic about everything
politics, religion and even love
I'm just.... I don't care
one might think that's a depression symptom
but I don't feel depressed
I know how depression feels like
and I'm not!
so why am I like that?
I have no idea
lately I'm actually happy in my life
doing totally random things with random people
and I made japanese friends two days ago
real japanese people
how cool is that?
and egyptian friends who are as japan obsessed as I am
we're going to live there together one day heheh
yeah I know pipe dreams
but the thing is....
I feel something is missing
maybe passion for something
I don't know
and I stopped believing in love
yeah me the hopeless romantic
I mean the BIG love of my life started calling me a while ago, and then we stopped talking
and it's as if it never happened
I didn't get sad about it
only slightly angry for two days or something
actually I was bored of him and I wanted it stop way before it actually stopped
and now I'm kinda sorta dating this guy, I'm already bored of it
it was exciting for one day or something
my best friend told me maybe I need to find the right person
I don't think it will ever happen
I've become too picky
I also realized I can't ever be in a "casual" thing
It's not my thing
I don't know
I want to care about something
"it's just a phase" I keep telling myself
I hope it is