Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Angel-A (mirror Scene)

Another beautiful scene...
movie... ummm ok
but the scene
AMAZING!

I hate writing academic papers!!!
for me writing a paper= going through blogs, listening to music, searching for some sources, going through more blogs, getting up to grab something to eat, sitting down, writing 30 words, watching videos on youtube, getting up, getting something to drink....
and it goes on and on...
a paper that could be written in 2 days, takes a week for me to finish...
tomorrows the due date I wrote 1200 words for my 2000-2500 word paper...
how the hell am I gonna find words?
this is so damn boring!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Blurry vision

and black spots
everywhere
everywhere

* the black spots is not a metaphor... I actually see black spots all the time
is that normal?

Sunday, October 19, 2008

balancing out

everytime I get one part right.. another one falls back behind
I can't balance my life
and it's stressing me out!
I have to give up something from the equation because this is too much for me to handle

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Lost in translation (beautiful scene)

I love it when he touches her feet!!!

Friday, October 17, 2008

2 days in Paris - final scene

Just watched this movie. This scene is absolutely wonderful, real, relatabale and beautiful.It is on my list of favourite scenes ever. The movie as a whole is good, it has this quirky dark humor to it, which I absolutely love. But this scene is just... the best part of the whole movie.

I absolutely love this

All over Japan one hears stories of trees, which have a peculiar or beautiful shape. One pair of twisted and entwined pines is supposed to be a pair of lovers. The boy and the girl wandered far from their village and as night fell, were afraid to return and face either the displeasure of their families or the taunts of friends. All night they embraced and talked of their love, and when morning broke they had been transformed into pine trees. Another pair of pines is said to be a devoted couple who died at the same time.

Japanese Mythology- Juliet Piggot
Isn't it annoying that I always wake up early no matter how late I sleep.
Even when I sleep over at friends' houses and we stay awake all night, I still wake up before everyone else. If I wasn't the daydreaming, entertainig myself type I think I would've hated waking up before anyone else. But it's ok, I don't mind it much, except for the fact that I get so tired sometimes and wish I would sleep more, but the thing is, when I'm up then I'm up.
The only time in my life when I slept for long hours was during my sickness.
I'm so busy lately, I have no time to even breathe. It's good and bad....
I'm slowly starting to know more about myself and what I want from life....
the constant question of wanting to study Journalism or not is being solved....
through reporting for the caravan I realized that I like doing long features more than news... that I like talking to people and writing about them, describing scenes, more than reporting about a problem on campus with lots of statistics. I realized that I'm a slowpaced person, who won't be able to keep up with the Journalism beat, I'm more of a magazine person.
I'm also not comptetive at all, which really doesn't fit Journalism, especially newspaper Journalism.
I was doing this story about the campus at night, and I had a photographer with me, this guy who's also a reporter asked me if I want him to help out, I told him "yeah sure why not. One more person wouldn't hurt, it will make the story more comprehensive." This girl, the photographer asked me if I don't mind sharing the byline. I told her "no not at all. I only want the story to be good." The only thing I'm competitive about is sports, which is weird because when it comes to work I'm not competetive but with recreation I'm the most competitive person there is. It should be the other way round. The director of the Caravan really believes I'd be a good Journalist one day, which makes me happy because I was so scared of sucking at the it, the first day I started.
I was also very happy yesterday.
I never write poetry, the only attempts were a long time ago at school, but I never wrote poetry ever since. When I started this creative writing course I felt really bad about my writing and I didn't even want my writings to be shared in class, since I felt that everyone is so much better than me. Especially that on the list my name was on the day that poetry is being workshoped and I never wrote poetry, always short stories or thoughts.
But I managed to write one and then all the letters I got from others in my class were positive, they said it was beautifully written. I was sooo happy and relieved. I don't suck :)
It was also written in a form, I never thought I'd write a poem in form, the form is a sestina (look it up)... when I went out of class these two girls came up to me to tell me that my poem is beautifully written. This one girl said "I felt that there was melody floating, that I was somewhere else" and that was my intention of writing it, I wanted to create a different world. That's always my intention when writing actually. I'm glad. :)
isn't it weird that girls are more drawn to girls' writings and guys are more drawn to guys' writings? Personally, even if I love the writings of many male authors or males in genral, there's something very beautiful about the way women write, or maybe it's more relatable I think.
Maybe that's why I love females singers like Sia, Alanis Morisette, Bic ringa, Tracy Chapman, K's choice.... and the like.... because I feel it more...
that of course doesn't make me like Travis or Radiohead less. I absolutely love them.
but there's something to a woman's voice that I absolutely love.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Adolescent selfconsiousness (Just when I thought I grew out of it)

Wearing my new dress yesterday, the recurring thought in my head was this: I'm not going to that wedding with these fat legs of mine... why did the dress have to be short, I don't want my knees to show... his words... "your legs are fat" were hovering above my head, reminding me every second how unattractive I looked. Why do his words affect me so much, just when I thought his words can't really cause any harm, since I don't really love him that much, actually I don't love him at all. His words, were a reminder of all the times in my life, he hurt my ego, for all the times he made feel so small and worthless, and it stung, especially that my biggest 3o2da for the last three years was my legs. "It's not fat, it's muscles" I told him.... which I think is even worse, it makes me feel so very unfeminine. I started cursing him and the day I ever met him, all he brought upon me was pain and frustration in my life. From day one... or maybe not day one... I'd say week one? Yeah, from the very first week I knew him he was doing that to me.
For the whole night I was thinking of nothing but "your legs are fat"
How pathtic is that?
Even when this guy who liked me ages ago was all like... "you got much prettier with the new haircut and all" or any other similar comment... I was annoyed at anyone who commented on my looks because in my mind I was the most unattractive person there is.
That's how he makes me feel...
ever since I can remember, that's how he always made me feel...
and I wonder...
why did I ever pick up the phone the first time he called
and why did I continue doing that?
and WHY did I let him affect me
and the thing is...
I don't even like him
and no it's not defense mechanism....
so many things he said were major TURN OFFS for me...
the only thing that made him bearable to me was that past we shared together
and that's it.
Now I will go through that busy day of mine...
and I will try not to think about it
even though I know it's not possible
the damage has been done

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Today I was doing this interview with this guy, so when it was over he was walking me to the car and I asked him where he lived. He pointed at the building we were passing by. "My apartment is on the 12th floor, it has a really nice view of the nile." and then he said "you can come by anytime to watch the view." "ummm sure" I said. I didn't really know what to say, I thought he was just saying it as a matter of speech... it's a nice place, followed by a come by... the way people usually talk. But then he asked me if I want to go up and see the view. So I went up with him to watch the nile. It was actually nice. But then, when we went downstairs again, he told me to come by anytime I want. Is that normal? Because I really don't know. It doesn't matter. The thing is, I don't think he's interested because I looked like shit today hehhe. I was out of it, underslept, second day of period.... so... I don't know.

If I hear another person asking me "Why are you looking so lost" or "shaklek lessa nayem" I swear I'll shoot them in the head.
Yeah I know I give the 'lost' impression.... but I don't have to hear it every single second of my day!
hehe
I was once walking in university and I saw my friend's ex/boyfriend/something in between, he looked so lost. I think he gives the same impression I give.
So I laughed and told him "hey you look so lost. But don't worry, people tell me I'm like that. It's actually nice to know I'm not alone."
This guy, always thought I didn't like him, but I actually do. Once I told my friend that I want them to stay together because I like him. When she told him he said that he thought I couldn't stnad him. Which is weird, because I never did anything that expresses any dislike, but obviously I'm not friendly enough or something. He said that when I pass by him I just give him a smile and walk by, my friend, because she knows me well, said that that's how I am. I wonder how many millions think that I don't like them... just because I'm a bit... well, not anti social... but anti small talk person. hmmmm I wonder...

the annoying thing is...

that the day I told myself I'm never answering your calls again...


you stopped calling

Monday, October 6, 2008

Pathetic

Why did I get myself into this?
this vicious unending cycle between us,
doesn't seem to stop. Ever!
Our time together was this little magical glowing gem in my memory
its how my mind designed it to be
its how my mind wanted it to be
but now with every word you utter
a little bit of the magic is crushed
what do you want from me anyway?
you made me realize how much the brain deceives
how a fantasy can drown us in fake illusions
and it's pathetic really!
I can't even love you anymore
or feel anything towards you
towards anyone
towards anything
Once a long time ago, my insides were bursting with joy at the mere sight of you
yeah, I remember quite well how I felt at that time
I remember just by a single touch of your fingertips, my body was filled with a rush
what happened to that?
Now I tell you about some of my deepest feelings and you laugh at them jokingly
yeah, I know that that's how you are, and that's how we're like together
but not everything is a joke
and don't get me wrong
I love laughter and jokes,
but it's not funny anymore
it's old repeated and boring
we're so different
from complete different worlds
how did I never notice that before
you think you're the best thing that happened to me.
you think I'm still ooohh so in love with you
well that's so vain of you
because I've been struggling with that
if I can't be excited about this
about something that I had longed for a long time ago
then maybe nothing will ever do!
maybe I have become incapable of loving....
In a very short time my heart beat and crushed and beat and crushed
it's become dysfunctional
Noone seems to strike my interest
and I give up
I give up on you
I give up on the search
the only reason i picked up the phone when you first called
was out of lonliness
was out of missing having a male voice at the other end, late at night before going to sleep
it's pathetic.... really really pathetic
all it did was make me feel more alone
I'm so angry at you
but more at myself
I'm a pathetic creature