Monday, July 7, 2008

I've spent almost the whole day with a friend of mine today. We used to be really close before the medication period and stuff, but with time passing we just drifted apart. Just as I have with most people I knew. I didn't talk much, I was just watching everyone the same way I always do. Like a spectator watching a screen. And she noticed. On our way back in her car she told me I've changed, I've became quiter. "You used to go on and on talking" she said.
I've heard it so many times now, how much I've changed, how quiet, withdrawn I've become. I feel that I've grown but inside I'm still me.... I'm still the exact same person. The way I look at things, feel things are still the same really.
I feel that as my outer world was diminishing, my inner world was expanding. I've created a whole world inside of there that it has become rather hard to get out of it. I've encountered fears, reconciled with my long forgotten childhood friend, got to know me, got to read, got to be interested in film, started learning japanese.
I have never expected to change so much.
During that time I was sitting at the bottom of the well (from the wind-up bird chronicles).
I really related to the well thing in the novel. Did I mention how much I'm starting to love Haruki Murakami or Murakami Haruki (japanese style :))?
I realized that I'm really drawn to surreal works in literature, art or film.
and realism, I love both realism and surrealism. I love films that make you feel that a camera was just shooting people going about their daily life. I love books that describe every single thing, that paint a clear picture of the scene infront of you. and I love it when I read something and start feeling the way the protagonist feels. I'm currently reading Madame Bovary and I'm loving it, I'm feeling Emma so much, when I read it, I feel like I'm actually her. It's weird.

Why can't I ever feel pretty unless I'm told I am?
Why do I always feel so worthless and useless, unless someone comes my way and tells me I'm not?
Why can't I ever feel capable of anything? Why do I feel so small?
There's only one thing in this whole world that I'm sure of though.
I'm confident with my ideas. I've always been an "idea" person.
There was this thing on campus magazine where they would pick one person with the best screenplay idea to participate in a certain workshop.
No, I didn't get picked.
But I got an email from the editor telling me that I have good ideas and asking me if I'd like to freelance for them.
I do believe in my ideas.
When I was a bit young I was thinking that it would be cool if there was a TV show where people would enter your room and try to guess who lives in that room male/female? age of the person, interests, life and so on..... a few years later there was room Room Raiders on MTV. Well, the objective of room raiders is to find somebody to date but the concept is the same right?
And then... at the age of 14 maybe I wrote something similar to that in my diary: "Wouldn't it be cool if there was something like a website where people can write diary entries anonymously?" I wrote that after reading a friend's diary (with her consent of course... I would never eveeeeeeer invade someone else's privacy). well and then came the whole blogging thing.
It was MY idea at first. I should seriously sue the blogging people :)
And last year I was telling a friend that I'll write a story about women going on sex strike and finally getting their rights. The semester right after I took a play in the theatre course 'Lysistrata', which was about women going on a sex strike to stop wars.
And when I took the film class we had to write a paper on how we would make a palestinian film if we were directing one. The professor wrote me that mine was the most innovative idea. She even put a smiley at the end :).
These might not be grand ideas, they could've occured to anyone but the thing is, I get ideas like that all the time and with a little bit of development those little ideas could amount to something.
When I sent my ideas to Campus, I wasn't sure that they'll choose one of my ideas but I had a feeling inside that even if they don't they'd send me an e-mail telling me that eventhough I wasn't chosen those are good ones.
I'm that confident when it comes to my ideas.
it's the only thing I'm confident about.

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