Life is not supposed to be happy
I know that,
everything comes to an end eventually
I know that also,
I know that happy moments exist so we can remember them again and again....
to make us get through the sad times
sometimes you just don't accept that something ended and instead of retaining that perfect ending, the one that will always leave you with feelings of fondness and love, you just mess it up and it ceases to be that perfect little place in your memory
I think I've learned where to draw that line, or I'm in the process of learning it...
but it doesn't stop me from wondering...
what if?


I remember, a supposedly last day with a certain ex of mine...
I remember getting out of his car and telling him. "It's not the end I just feel it inside."
and it wasn't... I'm known for having these gut feelings that turn out right most of the time
and I'm glad that this day wasn't the end of us, what I regret however, is the way I acted or even the way he did after it was actually over.... it just blew all the magic
but still... maybe it was supposed to be that way, maybe I was meant to snap out of my illusion...
maybe...
I know that by looking back and seeing how abusive this relationship was (emotionally abusive) and how much it fucked me up I just moved on, so yeah it helped but it's just not the same for me anymore... I don't think I can ever hate him... but he will never be that person he used to be to me....
I just wish we could stop being attached to a person yet stay fond forever....
is it possible?

My baby cousin came over yesterday, I was reading her this children's story from a book that I had since I was a child....
There's a certain page with a certain picture, that just brought me back in time
It's weird how much capacity our memories have
and it's even weirder how I related to that story... it was my favourite one back then...
My baby cousin is very very smart, actually, she amazes me sometimes...
but she's so frail and small, sometimes I feel that she's gonna break...

I wonder, about the human body, and what it's capable of....
is it that frail walking organ? or is it stronger than it appears?
Take my sister for example, she's a half anorexic half bulimic, coffee addict, who smokes...
she's not a heavy smoker... and I thank god for that... but still... how she survives until today is beyond me.... actually a few years ago she had this thing a "cyst" I'm not even sure it's spelled that way... anyway she had this thing in her ovaries and she had this operation ... and its cause was under nutrition.

but she's still there... and oddly enough,... she's still healthy

but then I look at myself... and see how taking a shot once a week did ALL that to me....
this week was awful... but I don't wana start ranting and whinig about it...

I also wonder if modern medicine has any use to mankind...
I don't want to sound evil but sometimes, when I look at my baby cousin, and remember how she only had a 90% chance of surviving when she got born... and how modern medicine made her survive.... and think of how she might never be as healthy as other kids, I just feel that maybe it would've been better if she hadn't survived.... for her sake..
she has ashthma,... but something inside me tells me it's way beyond that and it makes me very sad....
I feel that the normal course of life goes as it should... people live and people die....
but then we try to fight it by making people suffer all their lives in order to survive...
by all this I'm not referring to my case, actually, I should thank modern medicine
I consider myself pretty lucky... in a month it will all stop and I will be a healthy girl again... this actually calls for a celebration :)

I was thinking about this conversation while writing this post...

Celine: The past is the past. It was meant to be that way.
Jesse: What, you really believe that? That everything's fated?
Celine: Well, you know, the world might be less free than we think.
Jesse: Yeah?
Celine: Yeah, when given these exact circumstances, that's what will happen every time: two part hydrogen, one part oxygen, you get water every time.
Jesse: No, no, I - I - I mean what if your grandmother had lived a week longer, or, you know, or passed away a week earlier, days even. You know things might have been different. I believe that.
Celine: You can't think like that, it's...
Jesse: No, I mean, I know you shouldn't on most things, but - It's just, on this one it seemed like something was off, you know?

water... every single time....
what if it was still water alright but contaminated water?
I think human emtions are more complex than that...
maybe...
I just hope that even if life changes....
this thing in my head would always stay the same

The best feeling ever is that moment in time when I laugh about something I never thought I'd laugh about, today I did and it felt wonderful.

I'm very emtional but I always find it hard to cry, last year I didn't stop but I'm going back to the girl I used to be....
I wish I could cry...
tears around the corners of my eyes come out easily but they barely even reach the ground.... I I want real heartfelt, losing it type of crying

I'm listening to a song that made me cry the first time I heard it, but it's not working.

I'm so bored....... and I need human company, that's why I'm writing nonsense....
It's always at this hour of the night you remember how you just want to call some long lost friend and talk.
I'm not bored in my life in general and I think that's what keeps me going...
That time... when I lost interest in life...
I had nothing to do... sometimes I stayed for three days in bed just staring at the ceiling and not talking to a soul.... and even when someone came in to talk I barely answered....
maybe that's why I don't talk as much as before, I've become aquainted with silence....
now there are many things that keep me going... but I still have my moments of insignificance...
of worthlessness...

I think that's enough for today.... I'm not even getting anywhere..

jkenfjwjgbjrwg

Mixed up emotions, mixed up thoughts
I was so happy just a few hours ago...
.... what happened???
ahhhhhhh there's so much I want to let out, I don't even know where to begin...
The beat is still banging in my head....
today we had this concert at el sakia, a tabla concert, our tabla class.... well, we only played one piece.... I was so happy, full of all that enegry that I once.... a long time ago had
and then I got home.... with a fever... WHY?
I've been well for about a month now.... and lately I can be out all day long and survive.... why now?
I know that I've been overexhausting myself lately ... and I know I shouldn't....
every day I feel happy and sad simultanously... or maybe they're just crazy moments of extreme happiness and sadness that shift every five seconds....
I'm always close to tears but at the same time I know that deep inside I am content... and sometimes I'd be even full of energy .... and then the next second I think "I just want to die" and right then I tell myself.. "why but life is so beautiful"
it's crazy... my mind is playing evil games on me
simple little things make me very happy but very very sad as well...
sometimes I'd be around people and I'd be suffocating inside.... I start feeling uneasy and start stutering or mumbling uncoherent words....
sometimes I feel like I just want to run away and cry
Sometimes I feel that I have no words to say, that I'd rather remain silent my whole life....
I get so scared thinking that I might never find people I connect with just because I don't want to open my mouth...
but life is still good...
yeah I know it's crazy...
Yesterday, for instance, when I got out of class I saw my best friend and another friend, when I went over they were telling me how they were just talking about me and how much of a bad taste in movies I have.... of course I protested vigourously telling them how great and amazing my taste is heheh , they were both telling me that "garden state" is not such a great movie and that it's just.. boring... I got so annoyed at them... it's stupid to get annoyed at something like that... I kept telling them that there is no such thing as a good or bad taste and it's a matter of how you see things and how you relate.... I can't even start to describe how this movie is close to my heart... I think it's because I saw it at that "perfect" time... well it was far from perfect... obviously... I meant, that perfect time, when I'd feel every single scene very intensly....
so I actually get offended when someone says it's a bad movie... I know I'm stupid
so anyway... I always lose track... I was staying in Uni to see an italian film called "the bicycle thief" and on my way there I saw this guy that I only met once... he asked me if I was going home and I told him about this film screening... he was also going , so on our way there we were talking about movies... he asked me if I know "garden state" .... I know it's weird... the movie was haunting me all day.... I told him that I just loooove it and that it's one of my favs.... he said he like the humor in it.... and at that second... I swear... I wanted to kiss him... and that actually made me happy... finalllllllllly someone understands!!!
so yeah I'm alone in this crazy world... most of the time I'd be somewhere else... in order not face awkward conversations.... but I have hope that one day I will talk again and never stop.... and if I don't talk... someone out there somewhere will look into my eyes and would just know

Finding my way in this crazy world

Journalism? Religion? Identity? Interests? Friends?
I'm questioning them all the time....
Everytime I'm in mass com class I'd be like "blablabla" in my head...
I don't belong here ... I just want to run away
every single day I come up with something new to major in but I don't....
I chose Journalsim for the excitement I guess....
That extreme life, where everyday I'd be exploring something new, travelling allover the globe and talking to people .... I don't feel it anymore, I don't even remember the last time I enjoyed reading news... I like feature stories and soft news... sometimes... but ....
It just isn't my thing
I will minor in theatre... and maybe when I graduate I'll study film somewhere abroad
I get so scared because I'm a very passionate about the things I do, but this passion fades away so fast, before I can even acheive anything or get anywhere with it
I envy those people who know what they are and what they want, the people who light up when talking about the things they do
like our tabla teacher, I'm taking a tabla course in University ... and our Instructor, when she talks about tabla you feel that she's talking about the man she loves or something, it's so genuine and amazing....
here's her blog
I love watching her play ... you just feel it
I wish I would just know...
I want passion in my life

Cavewoman coming out of her shelter

I've been withdrawn and depressed for such a long time now that every stupid little thing seems new and exciting....
I'm like a little girl who's expolring the world around her,
I see everything so diffrerently than I used to,
maybe it's because during that isolated time I've grown so much.... I feel so much wiser now
A friend of mine was looking at me a few days ago and then he said :" you have nice eyes, they're not like these sexy eyes... they're more like the eyes of a child." I don't know if that was supposed to be a compliment heheh but well I feel like a child indeed...
Childish things cheer me up and no I'm not like these people who pretend their baby-like and stupid in order to be cute... I actually get excited...
Like yesterday for instance my friends had this colorful ball that they were tossing around and I got so excited and even when they all left and I was still playing with it,
I liked it so much because it was so colorful and I love colors :)
There was this guy .... we were tossing it back and fro...
he was cute.. I'm not really into this cutesy type heheh
but I don't know there was something about him...
I think I forgot how people flirt.... so I thought it was easier to throw the ball to him...
It's so much easier being a child, children don't have to talk... they just play
I know that children can be really mean sometimes, even more than grown ups....
it's just that they are genuine and say anything on their minds and their words are always very hurtful...
maybe it's not so easy being a child after all ....
Everyday little things like that happen and I don't feel that I'm bored, everday offers something new and that's the beauty of it.
I think that's how life is for most of the people I was just locking myself up...
but maybe that's a good thing.... because now I'm appreciating every fun moment, appreciating every single day... and I'm happy that I don't get so tired as before and even when I do I just go on with my day....

Simply Life...

Walking down the streets, tunes from the ipod are filling every sense of me and somehow isolate me from the polluted, noisy, crowded city that is filled with angry people... I'm smiling and singing along.
I look odd in that combination, as if they took out a scene and just pasted my existence on it
the melody is dancing infront of me and I'm following it.... everything around me becomes alive, and ghosts from the past start taking shape in front of me, every object lying on the floor, every scratch in the wall, every stain has a story behind it...
and it's just beautiful....
"I'm just happy" I thought
it's weird how I get thoughts like these only when I'm absolutely alone, just walking around and observing....
yes... that's what I've become... an outside observer