Sunday, August 31, 2008
He's like a person who's been rehabitilised for so long, stayed clean for years, but got tempted to just have one sniff... one little sniff...
and then returned to his old compulsive obsessivness.
Back in the days I mistook this obsession for love. When people tried to convince me that he doesn't love me I never wanted to hear from them. So how come he calls me all the time. And why is it as hard for him to end this thing as it is for me?
No one had an answer for me. It was confusing.
He never loved me, I know that now.
But he was adiccted to me. I know that for sure.
It's funny how a year ago I would've killed for something like that to happen.
Now, that it's actually happening, I'm wondering what it is that made me yearn for it so much.
I don't think I can ever love him again.
But I do understand what made me attached. There is something between us.
The concept of only having a 10 min phone call was an impossibility. It still is.
but somehow the jokes are not as funny as I remember them to be, the connection is not so deep as I thought.
I believe that we do have a connection, but not the one that would make me want to be with him in a relationship.
It's not like he even suggested anything of that sort. But we talk. Daily.
I don't even know what to make out of it. It's fun. and that's as far as I can get I guess.
Funny how time changes so much.
He told me I've changed. Well it's been more than a year what does he expect?
One day I say that people don't change, the next I say that a year changes so much in a person.
I thought that time would make us drift apart and become strangers. That's always my biggest fear when I let go of someone.
But I think...
that even if feelings change, even if some aspects of a person change,
this something that happens between two people stays forever
no matter how much time time passes it will still exist somewhere inside.
It makes me less afraid of time.
because some human connections can transcend the boundaries of time.
it is not love. At least not now.
but something feels just the same.
not about the way I feel towards him. But about we way we act around each other.
I am not afraid of time anymore.
It makes me wonder if...
that connection I once had with another person will stay the same
or if time will erase everything like a tide would with words written on sand.
Only time will tell, only time will tell.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
hehe sooo funny!!!
If anyone sees this they would immediatly think that I'm the one who actually sent it.
I'm a nuttella obsessed person. I think I've mentioned this a gazillion times before.
I just ADORE nuttella.
and as someone once told me: "some people worship god, you worship nuttella"
and it actually DOES turn me on.
I love you nuttela person whoever you are.
and I posted this to annoy you kov :p
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
This thing was so funny. I don't want to forget it. I have such a good memory and I rarely forget anything yet I write down moments that I don't want to forget. Why do I keep doing that?
We were at a friend's chalet making breakfast, well, they were making breakfast while I was watching habla con ella with a friend. Everyone was going to and fro not even bothering to look at that spanish movie we were watching. So this girl comes out of the kitchen throws something at my friend (the one who's watching with me) and it lands right on her crotch so she says "you're a vagina" in her silly voice, then she turns to the screen and what does she see? a huge vagina infront of her.She points at the screen and screams "Ohh vagina". That's when everyone (the same people who were just seconds ago indifferent to what were watching) gathered infront of the TV to watch that huge vagina... and just when the scene ended everyone went away. Keda in a second they all went back to their business.
It's just that something happened today that I should really blog about and if I don't I won't write it anywhere or I would on some discarded notebook and forget where it was written in a few weeks.
Magles el shoora that was on fire today is right infront the cairo center, which happens to be the place where I'm taking my japanese lessons.
And I was watching the fire from the window for 2 hours and it soothed me so much.
When the class was over there were loads of masses of people on the streets watching the fire and shooting the scene with their cellphone cameras. There were sounds of helicopter engines from above. Something was surreal about the scene today. I felt that the world was hazy, that I was in a dream. It felt nice. The aura of my surroundings. I don't know if it's because something different was happening or because the surroundigs were so orange?
I loved looking at the bulding being burnt.
I've been feeling so empty inside for so long
and believe me I've tried everything to fill it up
I even rode on a harley :) a goddamn harley!!! And didn't feel a teeny weeny thing!
and only today while watching this I felt something. It wasn't ecsatatic happinees, it wasn't mellow happiness either, I don't think I can even put that in the happiness category.
but I felt something.
It felt like a deja vu of something so distant... or an eerie familar scene.
Does that make any sense?
I seem to get confused by the things I'm feeling lately!
I feel things at such inappropriate times, as if my feelings are not even linked to what's happening on the outside.