Friday, May 30, 2008

ok so it's not the last post...
I just wanted to add something....
when I write in a haste, like I'm doing right now, my posts would always be filled with mistakes.
I spot them, I just spotted a few right now, and some sentences don't make any sense, but I still don't edit most of the time.
It just feels so much more real like that.
Does this make any sense?
this is the last post, I promise
but it's really strange
yesterday I had a dream about him, even though it's been ages since that happened
it wasn't a pleasant one, but not disturbing either
I saw him golfing from far away, he doesn't even golf
and he was wearing a red T-shirt, when I saw him, I ran away, I climbed houses, and ran on top of the buildings, the last thing I wanted was for him to see me...
so then I jump down and I'm surrounded by a large mass of people, I get so lost in the middle and there I find him, but I can't see his head (you know like the parens of cow and chicken)
so I crawl on the ground and get out of the place

something I feel that I have a weird sense for these things, many of my dreams come true...
isn't it strange that I dreamt about him yesterday, even though I rarely ever think of him...
and on that same day when he would contact me again!!!
it's 2 minutes later I know....
but.... you know when something happens that you least expected!
and then you let it run smoothly, sort of
and then you feel refreshed and liberated
but something inside doesn't feel right? still
and curiosity is getting the better of you?
Leh? Begad Leih? ana mesh fahma
Shocked, kind of glad but not too happy about it!
It was the last thing I could've ever expected.
Oh well
I'm glad I handeled it that way!
and I feel so relieved phewwwwwww

oh and I went to see Madame butterfly today! I never thought I'd actually enjoy the opera but I did! and it was in Japan.
I'm feeling good

Thursday, May 29, 2008

Some months ago
"I'm soooo excited I got the application for a year abroad to japan I really wish I would go!!"
"I don't really get it. Why do you want to go there that much" he asked
"well... I love their culture and everything about them" I replied still enthusiastic
"so what do you know about thir culture ?"
"ha?" I got so embarresed "martial arts?" and then I laughed
" I must sound like a total airhead heheh"

the next we met

"see that Diwan bag. Go get it"
I got up went over to get it
"it's a gift for you"
wowww a gift! I got so excited, I rarely ever get gifts from guys I like.
so I open the bag and what do I find? a book about Japan
I stared at it for a moment. "Thank you" finally said and then I kissed him. "you know this is the sweetest thing anyone has ever done to me." I told him
he didn't believe me.
"It can possibly be THE sweetest thing."
I thought for a while .... "well maybe the second sweetest" and I told him all about the day my ex got me a bag full of chocolates of every kind! (stupid stupid girl)

anyway what I say is that this gave me the push I needed, and eventhough I have a whole library available for me, this book will always remain my reminder, it will remind me to go for the things I want... it's a reminder not to give up.
If you're reading this .... I know that it was a long time ago, but thanks again...
and it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done
I devoured the chocolates in a day (well not exactly a day) but the effect that the book instilled is still there

Sunday, May 25, 2008

I just applied for this japanese course.... I just came back from the interview
the results are supposed to be out by next week, I'll stay restless till then
oooff I hate my overexcitedness and I know myself, It would be taking over my mind for the whole next week
I don't know if they'll accept me or not but one thing is for sure.... I showed them a hell of excitedness ... I was like "to live in Japan is my life long dream" "I've been reading a lot about it"
"I've been reading japanese literature and haiku poetry", when I'm over excited I can't really tone it down no matter how hard I try. Don't know if that's a good or bad thing though.
well most of time when I apply for something I get accepted because my enthusiasm... and two weeks later I lose interest and make them regret accepting me heheh
but I won't lose interest on this.... I'll do my best, I'll be a fluent japanese speaker...
ooof I can't wait for a whole week.... this is torturing!!!
well this guy who was also being interviewed told me that I did well... yaret yeb2a ma3ahhh 7a2!!!

Saturday, May 24, 2008

isn't it weird that

- the first time I tried sushi I felt I was in heaven
- everytime I'm somewhere with karaoke I'd be the first one on stage
- that I've always had a fascination for kanji letters, even though I didn't know they were called kanji back then, I called them chinese letters, I even had a necklace with the word 'love' in kanji
- I've always had a fascination for dragons, even as a kid before I knew they were related to chinese mythology
- that I always loved martial arts even before trying them, I used to watch karate kid and wish for my own mister miagy :)
- that I love asian food in general
- I had a crush on samurai guy, and the korean guy who came for an exchange thing with our school choir (and I talked to neither of them, I'm a dork like that)

I can't think of other things right now but I'm so sure that the list is so much longer than that
I was born in the wrong place! Seriously! or in the wrong body....
maybe I shouldv'e been a male instead of female...
well now I'm comfortable in my female body but for such a long time I was really trying to adjust
as kids, my sister used to get things like barbies and baby born, and I used to get playstation games, remote control cars, all the guys toys, I always had a weird violent streak (but I don't think that goes back to my tomboyishness... it has more to do with I don't know.... maybe the feelings that I try hard to supress?)
anyway what I'm trying to say is, that I was either born in the wrong place, the wrong body or even in the wrong time, sometimes I feel that I belong in a time when they used torches to light the way, when they used feathers to write, a time when things were slower....
I'm such a slowpaced person and sometimes I feel that I can't keep up with this world that keeps pushing.... that counts every second... that measures time and supresses it.
Even my choice in film, I always get drawn to realllly slowpaced films, I watched "Death in Venice" a few weeks ago and I thought it was one of the best films I've ever seen... it's sooooo slow though.... I think that most people will get restless watching it....
actually the board members (or whatever their called) of my school didn't want to accept me in school because I was a slow person WTF ( I was in kindergarten for god sakes 7aram 3aleihom!!!)
I'm not so slow as much as I'm always somewhere else....
In first grade, when I was in recess, I used to sit there and stare ahead and get sooo lost, the bell would ring, everyone would go up to class and I'd still be sitting there not even aware that the bell has rung and then I wake up from my reverie and look around me, and find noone, the whole area around me would be empty, I rush to class and tell the teacher I was in the bathroom, I used to get embarresed saying something like "I was daydreaming, I didn't even hear the bell" so I stuck with the bathroom story hehhehe I was such a stupid kid
I talk a lot about me as a kid don't I?
I don't know why I do that.... but I believe that the version of kid me (of kid everyone) is the real version of the person.... of course all versions are real, and the person we are is an accumelation of all the people we've been, the people that we've met who influenced us, the things we saw and read, life shapes us but we the remain of the same substance
if you're made of red dough, you'll always remain 'red dough',
the little red dough ball will stretch from each side, it could get squeezed, a piece might be taken away from it, it could get scratched, imprinted on with different patterns and shapes....
but it will remain a red dough
actually after my almost one year isolation from the world I realized that the person I am now, resembles the kid me so much
there's this quote I wrote down from Haruki Murakami's 'Kafka on the shore' that says: " the child's the father of the man."....
I want to meet the kid me and talk to her :)
that would be interesting
you know when there's a certain insignificant moment that pops to your head out of nowhere?
well, a few days ago I remembered when I was in Luxor and Aswan with my parents, I think I was 9 or something, I'm not sure...
and then this woman came over to ask me something like "where's the bathroom?" so I gave her this elaborate made up answer something like "it used to be here yesterday, but when I came here today I couldn't find it, turns out that this magician came and made it invisible, the only way to actually see it is to search for the watever stone or something" (that wasn't my story I'm just giving an example of how it was like). The woman looked at me and smiled "lazem tetla3y kateba" she said .... I gave her this disgusted look and said "Ya3... they're all unattractive and wear glasses" heheh that was so stereotypical, what I don't understand is that I was actually very tomboysih at that time and didn't care less about my appearance, I always wore baggy pants and T-shirts.... we mesh fahma.... where did I get that from (unattractive, wearing glasses) heheh ... and I used to have a diary and write short stories, even back then bas bardo the idea of becoming a writer was somehow disgusting lol

ok that's it for now

everyone is so stressed out with the finals and freaking out, and I'm watching them amused hehhe

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

"Rumor sometimes follows a more precise logic than fact, and fact more than rumor is apt to have a lie in it somewhere"

" One who pans for gold can't expect to dig up only gold, or even attempt to. He must blindly scoop the sand from the river bottom. He doesn't have the privelege of finding out in advance whether he will succeed. Maybe there's no gold in it, but maybe there is. Yet the one thing certain is that the person who doesn't pan for gold never gets any richer"

"A telephone- it seems a long time since I last saw one. It's a strange device, constantly entangling the emtions of human beingswithing itself, yet capable of uttering nonsense more than a simple bell tone. Doesn't it feel any pain from all the loves, the hatreds and desires that pass through it? or is the sound of that bell a scream of the pain convulsive and unendurable that the telephone continually inflicts?"
Thirst for love-Yukio Mishima

I just read my yesterday's post and realized that this is exactly the way I speak.
sometimes I write the way I speak, especially on the blog and at other times I write the way I write, which turns out to be more coherent. I'm not gonna change a thing though (not even all the mistakes) because it explains the whole retardedness of speech thing, bakalem we ma7adesh beyfham. I understand myself and that's enough for right now.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

the only thing that keeps me going....

is the hope...
the dream
that one day I'd be living in Japan

this is not one of my fading obsessions
the interest increases
my mind is set
I will go there one day!
I will do anything to reach that

lately I'm reading about Japanese culture, haiku poetry, manga, japanese swords.... anything japanese related
reading japanese literature, watching japanese films
and I'm starting to understand more about them
it's the only thing that excites me
just daydreaming about living there makes me feel better
I feel more alone when I'm around people than when I'm actually alone
I suffocate

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

How to disappear completely- Radiohead

That there
Thats not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the liffey
Im not here
This isnt happening
Im not here
Im not here
In a little while
Ill be gone
The moments already passed
Yeah its goneAnd Im not here
This isnt happening
Im not here
Im not here
Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
Im not here
This isnt happening
Im not here
Im not here

I'm not falling into depression again
I'm not!
i just feel like posting this song because I love it and i relate to it
I'm not depressed

Monday, May 12, 2008

K's choice- butterflies instead:
imagination fills the void of my existence

Porcupine tree - Lazarus:
As the cheerless towns pass my window
I can see a washed out moon through the fog

Imogen heap - oh me oh my:
Quiet now in sleepy dreams
To me it seems the only time to be
Just me

I woke up, in the middle of my sleep
trying to escape that dream
it's not a nightmare
it's a wonderful dream
we sleep 1/3 of our life
so what makes a dream less real than reality?

the last time I actually cried was last january
do I have to cry to prove to myself that I'm not ok?
that I'm just pretending?

Sunday, May 11, 2008

My eternal ellipsis

Everyday my life starts making more sense
like a polaroid picture that's slowly taking shape, revealing itself
it's still somehow blurry and vague
but I'm waiting
lines in the picture are slowly connecting creating a silhouette of a mysterious figure
the dark figure will brighten up, different colors will appear
it will get clearer and clearer
what will happen when the whole picture pops put of the darkness?
when it's fully constructed?
does anyone ever reach that stage?
it doesn't matter anyway because I'm still waiting and the lines are still barely traceable, their just beginning to appear
and I'm waiting

sometimes I feel that most of my life I've been waiting
for what exactly, I don't know
There's always something beyond, something out there that will be reached
this eternal ellipsis that has become my life is beyond the past present and future, it's a time stuck in between that has no charachterstics or form

the seasons change
the clock ticks endlessly
night and day shift
children get born,
their first teeth start falling off
they grow up
puberty, their hormones change
they develop more
stretch marks, wrinkles
a slow decaying process

and I'm still waiting
but nothing happens
there's nothing to wait for
because this is it
this is life
but I still wait
watch and listen
as time trails off
and I watch it as it evaporates
and I still wait
in my eternal ellipsis

Saturday, May 10, 2008

I think that the sense of smell is the most underrated one of all senses.
I was once eavesdropping on a conversation (I do that lot) *embaressed
so this girl was saying "I was born without a sense of smell"
I thought that this must be truly awful
actually, for me, it's tragic
she'd never know though because she doesn't know what it is
The tragic thing about being blind or deaf is the alienation it gives the person
not smelling still makes you part of this world, you'll still see, listen, interact and everything...
but an integral part of existence relies on smelling, a part that's overlooked a lot
I personally can't live without the sense of smell
I always sniff around, everything everywhere
I've been like that ever since I was a kid
the sense of smell is so powerful
an odor can transform a person into a past moment, it is the sense most capable of making me nostalgic for a certain time, place or person
listening to a song also does that, but nothing can beat the sense of smell
This describes smells in their most beautiful form
I truly love this post
and there's das parfuem by Patrick Sueskind of course

Thursday, May 8, 2008

I was jogging today!
I just came back!
I'm so happpyyyy :)
Jogging is one of my favourite things in the world
it's that me time, the time for me to be alone, to think
I'm slowly regaining my fitness
there's something so beautiful about the reconstruction period, when you lose it all and start again
when I run my thoughts run wild in every direction
a few years ago, at times when I just wanted to get away from it all, I used to go the club with my notebook run run run and the sit back relax and write.... it was my own little ritual
I didn't have my notebook today so I forgot most of the things that were going through my head
I was mostly thinking of growing up
and now I'm not even in the mood to write them down....

Sunday, May 4, 2008

I'm just thinking
why are buttcracks disgusting and cleavages sexy?
they're more or less the same thing
If you extract the image from its context they'll be exactly the same thing
but somehow one looks good and the other not