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Mixed up emotions, mixed up thoughts
I was so happy just a few hours ago...
.... what happened???
ahhhhhhh there's so much I want to let out, I don't even know where to begin...
The beat is still banging in my head....
today we had this concert at el sakia, a tabla concert, our tabla class.... well, we only played one piece.... I was so happy, full of all that enegry that I once.... a long time ago had
and then I got home.... with a fever... WHY?
I've been well for about a month now.... and lately I can be out all day long and survive.... why now?
I know that I've been overexhausting myself lately ... and I know I shouldn't....
every day I feel happy and sad simultanously... or maybe they're just crazy moments of extreme happiness and sadness that shift every five seconds....
I'm always close to tears but at the same time I know that deep inside I am content... and sometimes I'd be even full of energy .... and then the next second I think "I just want to die" and right then I tell myself.. "why but life is so beautiful"
it's crazy... my mind is playing evil games on me
simple little things make me very happy but very very sad as well...
sometimes I'd be around people and I'd be suffocating inside.... I start feeling uneasy and start stutering or mumbling uncoherent words....
sometimes I feel like I just want to run away and cry
Sometimes I feel that I have no words to say, that I'd rather remain silent my whole life....
I get so scared thinking that I might never find people I connect with just because I don't want to open my mouth...
but life is still good...
yeah I know it's crazy...
Yesterday, for instance, when I got out of class I saw my best friend and another friend, when I went over they were telling me how they were just talking about me and how much of a bad taste in movies I have.... of course I protested vigourously telling them how great and amazing my taste is heheh , they were both telling me that "garden state" is not such a great movie and that it's just.. boring... I got so annoyed at them... it's stupid to get annoyed at something like that... I kept telling them that there is no such thing as a good or bad taste and it's a matter of how you see things and how you relate.... I can't even start to describe how this movie is close to my heart... I think it's because I saw it at that "perfect" time... well it was far from perfect... obviously... I meant, that perfect time, when I'd feel every single scene very intensly....
so I actually get offended when someone says it's a bad movie... I know I'm stupid
so anyway... I always lose track... I was staying in Uni to see an italian film called "the bicycle thief" and on my way there I saw this guy that I only met once... he asked me if I was going home and I told him about this film screening... he was also going , so on our way there we were talking about movies... he asked me if I know "garden state" .... I know it's weird... the movie was haunting me all day.... I told him that I just loooove it and that it's one of my favs.... he said he like the humor in it.... and at that second... I swear... I wanted to kiss him... and that actually made me happy... finalllllllllly someone understands!!!
so yeah I'm alone in this crazy world... most of the time I'd be somewhere else... in order not face awkward conversations.... but I have hope that one day I will talk again and never stop.... and if I don't talk... someone out there somewhere will look into my eyes and would just know