Last summer I travelled with friends for two weeks
came back, my parents were in italy for a week
so... here three weeks without parents
and then, just as soon as they came back, my mother had to travel to germany
she stayed for two weeks
my dad and sister stayed in Cairo
and I stayed in sahel
the day my mother actually came back, I was feeling heavy
I wanted her to stay there for a longer period
but it's all good since in sahel, you're somewhat feeling free

it was nice

my parents are travelling in two weeks
I can't wait
and I swear
if my sister blackmails me I'll chop her in little pieces and feed her to the donkeys
ok that was harsh!

my biggest fear is going from my parent's home to my husband's home
I want a phase in-between where I'll be totally on my own
and the only way I could do that is by studying abroad
my parents are actually ok with that but I don't think my father is intending to pay extra tution
maybe for my sister's masters since she's engineering, and since he payed a lot more for my tutuion

sometimes I think about all the things they sacrifice for our welfare and I think hmmm maybe I'm being too harsh, but I still feel extremly lonely at home
they all think they know me, none of them really does, my sister included
sometimes I wish they hadn't invested so much time and money for us
I feel indepted
and I really am incapable of repaying them or acting thankful
since I'm always furious and angry at them

my mother told me that she only acts that way because she loves me
I told her that her love suffocates me
It was harsh but I really felt it while saying it
I can't help saying otherwise,
it's the truth

I don't know why I just remembered this poem while writing this


Those Winter Sundays

Sundays too my father got up early
And put his clothes on in the blueback cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.
I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he'd call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,
Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love's austere and lonely offices?

Robert Hayden

maybe I should appreciate them more....
but I still can't
they're suffocating me
now I'm just confused