enraged beyong words!!!
yet so tranquil and mellow


two forces pushing one another from each side
and I'm caught in-between

star gazing
fire crackling
shay sokar zeyada in those little glass cups
and a chilled atmosphere

and then the image comes again
of the ongoing fight with my parents
"it's the last straw," my heart pounds hard
and I feel I want to break the first thing that comes my way

and then I breathe out again
and smell life
and try to smile
and then I started talking and laughing and forget

lately I always remind myself I'm not going to be 20 forever!
actually, I'm not going to be 20 in a month

I remind myself to celebrate my youth
and take in every experience and opportunity
and just relax and enjoy
but then I remember the fights
"but I can't fucking enjoy anything because of them, they're ruining my youth."

and then I relax again

and then I close my eyes and wish I'd go somewhere very far away

its a cycle

I lie all the time 'hell I'm not going to let her ruin my life'
she gets supsiocious because I act 'mysterious'
I become enraged and tell her even less about myself
she gets more suspicious
and it gous round
and round
and round
and round

they crossed the line repeatedly
and I will not falter
and I'll give them the silent treatment
until they finally admit that they're ruining my life

"you never talk to any of us anymore, do you think you're living in an hotel?"
"why do you want me to tell you anything about myself anyway? To ruin my life? I don't like talking to you."
"you just wish you had no family, you're ultimate dream is to live alone. isn't it."
"It is. I actually am quite sure, that we'll have a better relationship if I wasn't living in this house."

blablabla

anyway

I'm not that enraged right now, because I actually had a very good day
but I still am in a way
and I keep thinking how different my life would've been if my mother wasn't so controlling