I feel so much, yet I feel nothing at all
It may sound contradicting, but in my mind it makes perfect sense to me
I know I must be feeling so much
yet I'm perfectly numb
yet I see all these emotions circling around me
but now they are trapped inside the glasshouse and I'm just watching from the outside
Maybe I'm scared because I know that feeling too much would lead me back to the glasshouse and I'm not really sure I want to (do I?)
I reached the conclusion that I never quite write (at least with passion), without being in a sort of isolation....
and I wonder.
I'm always happy lately, cheerful. Something bad happens I frown for a few seconds and then shake it off and continue my joking around.
I don't know if I'm doing this as a defense mechanism or because nothing can touch me anymore...
Maybe I've grown a thick skin that doesn't allow anything negative to penetrate my being
yet I'm craving it
call me insane I don't care
I enjoy my life lately I can't deny it, I'm having fun, dyed my hair red, I don't know it seems so much has been happening. And it's fun. But only that.
and this is the problem I think.
I can't be just having fun... I try to write, nothing much comes out.
There are thoughts in my head- millions of them- but I can't quite write.
I few days ago, someone told me something that I always thought I wouldn't quite take well
I didn't feel anything
only a day later I felt something and it was so very intense
It lasted for a while, but then when the moment was gone I lost it
I crawled back into my stisfied unbearable numbness
An hour ago a delivery guy from drinkies rang the bell. I told him it's probably for the neighbours yet all I wanted to do was grab the bag shut the door drink drink drink and forget about my existance, even for a second
sometimes I confuse metaphors with reality and the reality with metaphors. And I saw him slipping away, I vivdly saw our invisible connecting strings unraveling, at least the strings of the physical life.
and then I remebered what he said again... I was swarmed with images, more likely scenarious of what will be....
We will always have a spiritual and mental connection... but is that enough, I ask.