I always blog when I'm feeling bad.
Today I'm feeling good though.
I felt all kinds of different emtions in one day.
I have bald spots!!!!!
seriously!
I'm too young for this, they're not visible but I see them when I brush my hair.
khara khara khara
and I'm also very retarded but I'm not blogging about this one to save myself some embaressment.
I wanted to stop blogging a while ago, but I just can't.
I have to delete it if I want to stop blogging.
and I'm not sure I want to.
I asked him what he prefers... too many colors or black and white.
He said black and white tab3an.
I said that I just loooooove colors. Too many at one, Amelie style.
"because I'm such a cheerful person. Zay manta 3aref" I said sarcastically
but seriously, I love colors so much.
But if I ever make a film I'm so sure it's not gonna be something like Amelie, it will be something like Lost in Translation. It also has colors but in a calmer way. Can I even describe colors as being calm?
Sad but funny, touching in a way, not too romantic, unclassified relationship, real and mundane but not boring, aestetically beautiful, amazing color compostion
and the scene when he touches her feet keda... offf I can't even start describing how much it gets to me
oooff I just love Lost in Translation
it always gets me in this certain mood after watching it
melancholy
Sunday, September 21, 2008
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Lonliness is a state of mind.
Happiness is a state of mind.
Comfort is a state of mind.
Satisafaction is a state of mind.
Everything is.
Then we confuse the tangible with the intangible, we search for reasons behind what we feel, we manipulate our outer life so it could correspond with our inner life.
It will never work.
If you're feeling lonely you'll always feel that way no matter how many people you interact with during the day.
If you're sad no matter what you do for fun, the sadness lurking within will find its way out.
Some days I wake up with a smile, even if everything around is falling apart.
On others, I wake up feeling heavy, carrying a burden beyond my capablities, no matter how everything is there in its place.
Maybe it's the human balance.
When you reach the depth of the low, your body, in order to retain its balance has to reach the opposite on its own.
Just the way we shiver when its cold to get warmer, and sweat when its hot to prevent dehydration.
I find it strange how some people tell me that I understand them so well, and how I'm one of the closest to them, when I don't feel the same.
I try to recall the last time I confinded in a friend, had a heartfelt conversation and got out all the confusion and diruption outside in the open, but I don't seem to remember.
Even when I talk to someone about my feelings, I do it in a very shallow manner.
I want to let someone in, but I can't find someone worth letting in.
Even yesterday, when my best friend was telling me about her worries, about her aches and pains, I just listened.
I couldn't even get myself to tell her that I've been crying non-stop for the past two days.
I can't even trace its source, because nothing is wrong with my life right now.
If anything, things are going rather well.
The one I cried for, 'can't breathe' type of crying. The one, who abandoned me when I most needed him, the one that made me feel inadeqate for loving, is now calling me on a regular basis.
I'm slowly finding passion in the things I do. Life is interesting.
Maybe it's in the intense headaches, the excruiating exhaustion. Maybe it's the fact that I feel physically old, that I can't even enjoy life because I'm tired and I'd rather sleep than do whatever. Maybe it's because no one can ever know or feel what I'm feeling, which makes me realize how very alone we're in it. We're totally on our own in this world, no matter how much we try to make it look otherwise.
Maybe it's because I can't make myself love 'me'.
or maybe it's like I said, the human balance.
But in order to reach this depth, you have to reach a certain height, which is something I didn't feel long ago.
My feelings have become shallow, they don't reach extreme depths or heights.
So what is it? what is it?
Why can't my tear glands dry out.
Thinking about it now, I think the last time I actually cried was 9 months ago.
Maybe that's why. My body needs to purify itself from the clutter hoarded within.
I miss so many things, people and places.
I miss tae kwon do days, I miss lazy summer afternoons on the beach, and pancake breakfasts at friend's chalets, I miss certain smells I know I'd never smell again, I miss certain faces and smiles. I miss someone's warm hug and I miss the days when the one I loved was just an image in my memory. I miss running without getting tired. I miss so many many things.
I miss my childhood fantasy world, I miss the imagination that got lost in the way of growing up. Even though I'm still grasping hard on a part of it and will never let go, the growing up process is pulling from the other end. I will not falter, I tell myself. But it keeps pulling harder and harder.
I wish I could let someone in, I wish I could find someone worth letting in.
I wish certain people wouldn't feel ceratin things towards me because it's a strain knowing I can never give it back.
I wish I could let someone hug me without tensing up, or to let someone cross the perimeter, that I forbade anyone to cross.
I wish intimacy wouldn't scare me that much, I wish for my cold exterior to soften.
I want to like people again.
Happiness is a state of mind.
Comfort is a state of mind.
Satisafaction is a state of mind.
Everything is.
Then we confuse the tangible with the intangible, we search for reasons behind what we feel, we manipulate our outer life so it could correspond with our inner life.
It will never work.
If you're feeling lonely you'll always feel that way no matter how many people you interact with during the day.
If you're sad no matter what you do for fun, the sadness lurking within will find its way out.
Some days I wake up with a smile, even if everything around is falling apart.
On others, I wake up feeling heavy, carrying a burden beyond my capablities, no matter how everything is there in its place.
Maybe it's the human balance.
When you reach the depth of the low, your body, in order to retain its balance has to reach the opposite on its own.
Just the way we shiver when its cold to get warmer, and sweat when its hot to prevent dehydration.
I find it strange how some people tell me that I understand them so well, and how I'm one of the closest to them, when I don't feel the same.
I try to recall the last time I confinded in a friend, had a heartfelt conversation and got out all the confusion and diruption outside in the open, but I don't seem to remember.
Even when I talk to someone about my feelings, I do it in a very shallow manner.
I want to let someone in, but I can't find someone worth letting in.
Even yesterday, when my best friend was telling me about her worries, about her aches and pains, I just listened.
I couldn't even get myself to tell her that I've been crying non-stop for the past two days.
I can't even trace its source, because nothing is wrong with my life right now.
If anything, things are going rather well.
The one I cried for, 'can't breathe' type of crying. The one, who abandoned me when I most needed him, the one that made me feel inadeqate for loving, is now calling me on a regular basis.
I'm slowly finding passion in the things I do. Life is interesting.
Maybe it's in the intense headaches, the excruiating exhaustion. Maybe it's the fact that I feel physically old, that I can't even enjoy life because I'm tired and I'd rather sleep than do whatever. Maybe it's because no one can ever know or feel what I'm feeling, which makes me realize how very alone we're in it. We're totally on our own in this world, no matter how much we try to make it look otherwise.
Maybe it's because I can't make myself love 'me'.
or maybe it's like I said, the human balance.
But in order to reach this depth, you have to reach a certain height, which is something I didn't feel long ago.
My feelings have become shallow, they don't reach extreme depths or heights.
So what is it? what is it?
Why can't my tear glands dry out.
Thinking about it now, I think the last time I actually cried was 9 months ago.
Maybe that's why. My body needs to purify itself from the clutter hoarded within.
I miss so many things, people and places.
I miss tae kwon do days, I miss lazy summer afternoons on the beach, and pancake breakfasts at friend's chalets, I miss certain smells I know I'd never smell again, I miss certain faces and smiles. I miss someone's warm hug and I miss the days when the one I loved was just an image in my memory. I miss running without getting tired. I miss so many many things.
I miss my childhood fantasy world, I miss the imagination that got lost in the way of growing up. Even though I'm still grasping hard on a part of it and will never let go, the growing up process is pulling from the other end. I will not falter, I tell myself. But it keeps pulling harder and harder.
I wish I could let someone in, I wish I could find someone worth letting in.
I wish certain people wouldn't feel ceratin things towards me because it's a strain knowing I can never give it back.
I wish I could let someone hug me without tensing up, or to let someone cross the perimeter, that I forbade anyone to cross.
I wish intimacy wouldn't scare me that much, I wish for my cold exterior to soften.
I want to like people again.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
why does everything seem so much beautiful when looked upon in retrospect?
I guess we edit so much from our memories, or forget how we actually felt at that time.
Or maybe it's the other way around, maybe we realize that we made a big fuss out of silly problems and think, why couldn't we have enjoyed it more, because seriously, there was nothing to worry about that much.
I guess we edit so much from our memories, or forget how we actually felt at that time.
Or maybe it's the other way around, maybe we realize that we made a big fuss out of silly problems and think, why couldn't we have enjoyed it more, because seriously, there was nothing to worry about that much.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Addicted to me
To him I'm like a drug.
He's like a person who's been rehabitilised for so long, stayed clean for years, but got tempted to just have one sniff... one little sniff...
and then returned to his old compulsive obsessivness.
Back in the days I mistook this obsession for love. When people tried to convince me that he doesn't love me I never wanted to hear from them. So how come he calls me all the time. And why is it as hard for him to end this thing as it is for me?
No one had an answer for me. It was confusing.
He never loved me, I know that now.
But he was adiccted to me. I know that for sure.
It's funny how a year ago I would've killed for something like that to happen.
Now, that it's actually happening, I'm wondering what it is that made me yearn for it so much.
I don't think I can ever love him again.
But I do understand what made me attached. There is something between us.
The concept of only having a 10 min phone call was an impossibility. It still is.
but somehow the jokes are not as funny as I remember them to be, the connection is not so deep as I thought.
I believe that we do have a connection, but not the one that would make me want to be with him in a relationship.
It's not like he even suggested anything of that sort. But we talk. Daily.
I don't even know what to make out of it. It's fun. and that's as far as I can get I guess.
Funny how time changes so much.
He told me I've changed. Well it's been more than a year what does he expect?
One day I say that people don't change, the next I say that a year changes so much in a person.
I thought that time would make us drift apart and become strangers. That's always my biggest fear when I let go of someone.
But I think...
that even if feelings change, even if some aspects of a person change,
this something that happens between two people stays forever
no matter how much time time passes it will still exist somewhere inside.
It makes me less afraid of time.
because some human connections can transcend the boundaries of time.
it is not love. At least not now.
but something feels just the same.
not about the way I feel towards him. But about we way we act around each other.
I am not afraid of time anymore.
It makes me wonder if...
that connection I once had with another person will stay the same
or if time will erase everything like a tide would with words written on sand.
Only time will tell, only time will tell.
He's like a person who's been rehabitilised for so long, stayed clean for years, but got tempted to just have one sniff... one little sniff...
and then returned to his old compulsive obsessivness.
Back in the days I mistook this obsession for love. When people tried to convince me that he doesn't love me I never wanted to hear from them. So how come he calls me all the time. And why is it as hard for him to end this thing as it is for me?
No one had an answer for me. It was confusing.
He never loved me, I know that now.
But he was adiccted to me. I know that for sure.
It's funny how a year ago I would've killed for something like that to happen.
Now, that it's actually happening, I'm wondering what it is that made me yearn for it so much.
I don't think I can ever love him again.
But I do understand what made me attached. There is something between us.
The concept of only having a 10 min phone call was an impossibility. It still is.
but somehow the jokes are not as funny as I remember them to be, the connection is not so deep as I thought.
I believe that we do have a connection, but not the one that would make me want to be with him in a relationship.
It's not like he even suggested anything of that sort. But we talk. Daily.
I don't even know what to make out of it. It's fun. and that's as far as I can get I guess.
Funny how time changes so much.
He told me I've changed. Well it's been more than a year what does he expect?
One day I say that people don't change, the next I say that a year changes so much in a person.
I thought that time would make us drift apart and become strangers. That's always my biggest fear when I let go of someone.
But I think...
that even if feelings change, even if some aspects of a person change,
this something that happens between two people stays forever
no matter how much time time passes it will still exist somewhere inside.
It makes me less afraid of time.
because some human connections can transcend the boundaries of time.
it is not love. At least not now.
but something feels just the same.
not about the way I feel towards him. But about we way we act around each other.
I am not afraid of time anymore.
It makes me wonder if...
that connection I once had with another person will stay the same
or if time will erase everything like a tide would with words written on sand.
Only time will tell, only time will tell.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
The Cardigans - Lovefool US Version
This song is dedicated to all those who have once love obsessively.
I'm so in the mood for karaokee any suggestions?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Saw this on postsecret 
hehe sooo funny!!!
If anyone sees this they would immediatly think that I'm the one who actually sent it.
I'm a nuttella obsessed person. I think I've mentioned this a gazillion times before.
I just ADORE nuttella.
and as someone once told me: "some people worship god, you worship nuttella"
and it actually DOES turn me on.
lol
I love you nuttela person whoever you are.
and I posted this to annoy you kov :p
hehe sooo funny!!!
If anyone sees this they would immediatly think that I'm the one who actually sent it.
I'm a nuttella obsessed person. I think I've mentioned this a gazillion times before.
I just ADORE nuttella.
and as someone once told me: "some people worship god, you worship nuttella"
and it actually DOES turn me on.
lol
I love you nuttela person whoever you are.
and I posted this to annoy you kov :p
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
nostalgia
While driving today listening to nile f.m. blaaaa I hate nile fm it's just that my ipod stopped functioning :( I MISS MY MUSIC soo much!!!! A song starts and it sounds very familiar to my ear and then I think... Ahhh dee shabah the background music in tekken 3 (eddie's place). But then da f.m. guy says it's the song "jealousy" and then it starts "ahhhh jelousy". That's when I smile "oh now I get it". And then I remembered that even back then with him I was thinking that it was so similar to Eddie's song. Then I started laughing really hard. I remembered everything, that day when he was singing it to me, the expression on his face and every little detail around. On my last blog I once wrote this post about the things that I don't want to forget about certain guys in my life. I seem to have this obsession of writing down funny/rememrable/beautiful moments in fear of forgetting them but now I realized that if a moment is really that special I will never forget it. And maybe it'll be more special that way. I have an obsession with memories and moments and a nagging fear of ever losing them. Hmmm so should I stop writing moments of my life?
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