Adolescent selfconsiousness (Just when I thought I grew out of it)

Wearing my new dress yesterday, the recurring thought in my head was this: I'm not going to that wedding with these fat legs of mine... why did the dress have to be short, I don't want my knees to show... his words... "your legs are fat" were hovering above my head, reminding me every second how unattractive I looked. Why do his words affect me so much, just when I thought his words can't really cause any harm, since I don't really love him that much, actually I don't love him at all. His words, were a reminder of all the times in my life, he hurt my ego, for all the times he made feel so small and worthless, and it stung, especially that my biggest 3o2da for the last three years was my legs. "It's not fat, it's muscles" I told him.... which I think is even worse, it makes me feel so very unfeminine. I started cursing him and the day I ever met him, all he brought upon me was pain and frustration in my life. From day one... or maybe not day one... I'd say week one? Yeah, from the very first week I knew him he was doing that to me.
For the whole night I was thinking of nothing but "your legs are fat"
How pathtic is that?
Even when this guy who liked me ages ago was all like... "you got much prettier with the new haircut and all" or any other similar comment... I was annoyed at anyone who commented on my looks because in my mind I was the most unattractive person there is.
That's how he makes me feel...
ever since I can remember, that's how he always made me feel...
and I wonder...
why did I ever pick up the phone the first time he called
and why did I continue doing that?
and WHY did I let him affect me
and the thing is...
I don't even like him
and no it's not defense mechanism....
so many things he said were major TURN OFFS for me...
the only thing that made him bearable to me was that past we shared together
and that's it.
Now I will go through that busy day of mine...
and I will try not to think about it
even though I know it's not possible
the damage has been done

Today I was doing this interview with this guy, so when it was over he was walking me to the car and I asked him where he lived. He pointed at the building we were passing by. "My apartment is on the 12th floor, it has a really nice view of the nile." and then he said "you can come by anytime to watch the view." "ummm sure" I said. I didn't really know what to say, I thought he was just saying it as a matter of speech... it's a nice place, followed by a come by... the way people usually talk. But then he asked me if I want to go up and see the view. So I went up with him to watch the nile. It was actually nice. But then, when we went downstairs again, he told me to come by anytime I want. Is that normal? Because I really don't know. It doesn't matter. The thing is, I don't think he's interested because I looked like shit today hehhe. I was out of it, underslept, second day of period.... so... I don't know.

If I hear another person asking me "Why are you looking so lost" or "shaklek lessa nayem" I swear I'll shoot them in the head.
Yeah I know I give the 'lost' impression.... but I don't have to hear it every single second of my day!
hehe
I was once walking in university and I saw my friend's ex/boyfriend/something in between, he looked so lost. I think he gives the same impression I give.
So I laughed and told him "hey you look so lost. But don't worry, people tell me I'm like that. It's actually nice to know I'm not alone."
This guy, always thought I didn't like him, but I actually do. Once I told my friend that I want them to stay together because I like him. When she told him he said that he thought I couldn't stnad him. Which is weird, because I never did anything that expresses any dislike, but obviously I'm not friendly enough or something. He said that when I pass by him I just give him a smile and walk by, my friend, because she knows me well, said that that's how I am. I wonder how many millions think that I don't like them... just because I'm a bit... well, not anti social... but anti small talk person. hmmmm I wonder...

the annoying thing is...

that the day I told myself I'm never answering your calls again...


you stopped calling

Pathetic

Why did I get myself into this?
this vicious unending cycle between us,
doesn't seem to stop. Ever!
Our time together was this little magical glowing gem in my memory
its how my mind designed it to be
its how my mind wanted it to be
but now with every word you utter
a little bit of the magic is crushed
what do you want from me anyway?
you made me realize how much the brain deceives
how a fantasy can drown us in fake illusions
and it's pathetic really!
I can't even love you anymore
or feel anything towards you
towards anyone
towards anything
Once a long time ago, my insides were bursting with joy at the mere sight of you
yeah, I remember quite well how I felt at that time
I remember just by a single touch of your fingertips, my body was filled with a rush
what happened to that?
Now I tell you about some of my deepest feelings and you laugh at them jokingly
yeah, I know that that's how you are, and that's how we're like together
but not everything is a joke
and don't get me wrong
I love laughter and jokes,
but it's not funny anymore
it's old repeated and boring
we're so different
from complete different worlds
how did I never notice that before
you think you're the best thing that happened to me.
you think I'm still ooohh so in love with you
well that's so vain of you
because I've been struggling with that
if I can't be excited about this
about something that I had longed for a long time ago
then maybe nothing will ever do!
maybe I have become incapable of loving....
In a very short time my heart beat and crushed and beat and crushed
it's become dysfunctional
Noone seems to strike my interest
and I give up
I give up on you
I give up on the search
the only reason i picked up the phone when you first called
was out of lonliness
was out of missing having a male voice at the other end, late at night before going to sleep
it's pathetic.... really really pathetic
all it did was make me feel more alone
I'm so angry at you
but more at myself
I'm a pathetic creature

I always blog when I'm feeling bad.
Today I'm feeling good though.
I felt all kinds of different emtions in one day.
I have bald spots!!!!!
seriously!
I'm too young for this, they're not visible but I see them when I brush my hair.
khara khara khara
and I'm also very retarded but I'm not blogging about this one to save myself some embaressment.
I wanted to stop blogging a while ago, but I just can't.
I have to delete it if I want to stop blogging.
and I'm not sure I want to.

I asked him what he prefers... too many colors or black and white.
He said black and white tab3an.
I said that I just loooooove colors. Too many at one, Amelie style.
"because I'm such a cheerful person. Zay manta 3aref" I said sarcastically
but seriously, I love colors so much.
But if I ever make a film I'm so sure it's not gonna be something like Amelie, it will be something like Lost in Translation. It also has colors but in a calmer way. Can I even describe colors as being calm?
Sad but funny, touching in a way, not too romantic, unclassified relationship, real and mundane but not boring, aestetically beautiful, amazing color compostion
and the scene when he touches her feet keda... offf I can't even start describing how much it gets to me
oooff I just love Lost in Translation
it always gets me in this certain mood after watching it
melancholy

Lonliness is a state of mind.
Happiness is a state of mind.
Comfort is a state of mind.
Satisafaction is a state of mind.

Everything is.

Then we confuse the tangible with the intangible, we search for reasons behind what we feel, we manipulate our outer life so it could correspond with our inner life.
It will never work.
If you're feeling lonely you'll always feel that way no matter how many people you interact with during the day.
If you're sad no matter what you do for fun, the sadness lurking within will find its way out.
Some days I wake up with a smile, even if everything around is falling apart.
On others, I wake up feeling heavy, carrying a burden beyond my capablities, no matter how everything is there in its place.

Maybe it's the human balance.
When you reach the depth of the low, your body, in order to retain its balance has to reach the opposite on its own.
Just the way we shiver when its cold to get warmer, and sweat when its hot to prevent dehydration.

I find it strange how some people tell me that I understand them so well, and how I'm one of the closest to them, when I don't feel the same.
I try to recall the last time I confinded in a friend, had a heartfelt conversation and got out all the confusion and diruption outside in the open, but I don't seem to remember.
Even when I talk to someone about my feelings, I do it in a very shallow manner.
I want to let someone in, but I can't find someone worth letting in.
Even yesterday, when my best friend was telling me about her worries, about her aches and pains, I just listened.
I couldn't even get myself to tell her that I've been crying non-stop for the past two days.
I can't even trace its source, because nothing is wrong with my life right now.
If anything, things are going rather well.
The one I cried for, 'can't breathe' type of crying. The one, who abandoned me when I most needed him, the one that made me feel inadeqate for loving, is now calling me on a regular basis.
I'm slowly finding passion in the things I do. Life is interesting.
Maybe it's in the intense headaches, the excruiating exhaustion. Maybe it's the fact that I feel physically old, that I can't even enjoy life because I'm tired and I'd rather sleep than do whatever. Maybe it's because no one can ever know or feel what I'm feeling, which makes me realize how very alone we're in it. We're totally on our own in this world, no matter how much we try to make it look otherwise.
Maybe it's because I can't make myself love 'me'.
or maybe it's like I said, the human balance.
But in order to reach this depth, you have to reach a certain height, which is something I didn't feel long ago.
My feelings have become shallow, they don't reach extreme depths or heights.
So what is it? what is it?
Why can't my tear glands dry out.
Thinking about it now, I think the last time I actually cried was 9 months ago.
Maybe that's why. My body needs to purify itself from the clutter hoarded within.
I miss so many things, people and places.
I miss tae kwon do days, I miss lazy summer afternoons on the beach, and pancake breakfasts at friend's chalets, I miss certain smells I know I'd never smell again, I miss certain faces and smiles. I miss someone's warm hug and I miss the days when the one I loved was just an image in my memory. I miss running without getting tired. I miss so many many things.
I miss my childhood fantasy world, I miss the imagination that got lost in the way of growing up. Even though I'm still grasping hard on a part of it and will never let go, the growing up process is pulling from the other end. I will not falter, I tell myself. But it keeps pulling harder and harder.

I wish I could let someone in, I wish I could find someone worth letting in.
I wish certain people wouldn't feel ceratin things towards me because it's a strain knowing I can never give it back.
I wish I could let someone hug me without tensing up, or to let someone cross the perimeter, that I forbade anyone to cross.
I wish intimacy wouldn't scare me that much, I wish for my cold exterior to soften.
I want to like people again.

why does everything seem so much beautiful when looked upon in retrospect?
I guess we edit so much from our memories, or forget how we actually felt at that time.
Or maybe it's the other way around, maybe we realize that we made a big fuss out of silly problems and think, why couldn't we have enjoyed it more, because seriously, there was nothing to worry about that much.