"Rumor sometimes follows a more precise logic than fact, and fact more than rumor is apt to have a lie in it somewhere"

" One who pans for gold can't expect to dig up only gold, or even attempt to. He must blindly scoop the sand from the river bottom. He doesn't have the privelege of finding out in advance whether he will succeed. Maybe there's no gold in it, but maybe there is. Yet the one thing certain is that the person who doesn't pan for gold never gets any richer"

"A telephone- it seems a long time since I last saw one. It's a strange device, constantly entangling the emtions of human beingswithing itself, yet capable of uttering nonsense more than a simple bell tone. Doesn't it feel any pain from all the loves, the hatreds and desires that pass through it? or is the sound of that bell a scream of the pain convulsive and unendurable that the telephone continually inflicts?"
Thirst for love-Yukio Mishima

I just read my yesterday's post and realized that this is exactly the way I speak.
sometimes I write the way I speak, especially on the blog and at other times I write the way I write, which turns out to be more coherent. I'm not gonna change a thing though (not even all the mistakes) because it explains the whole retardedness of speech thing, bakalem we ma7adesh beyfham. I understand myself and that's enough for right now.

the only thing that keeps me going....

is the hope...
the dream
that one day I'd be living in Japan

this is not one of my fading obsessions
the interest increases
my mind is set
I will go there one day!
I will do anything to reach that

lately I'm reading about Japanese culture, haiku poetry, manga, japanese swords.... anything japanese related
reading japanese literature, watching japanese films
and I'm starting to understand more about them
it's the only thing that excites me
just daydreaming about living there makes me feel better

I feel more alone when I'm around people than when I'm actually alone
I suffocate

How to disappear completely- Radiohead

That there
Thats not me
I go
Where I please
I walk through walls
I float down the liffey
Im not here
This isnt happening
Im not here
Im not here
In a little while
Ill be gone
The moments already passed
Yeah its goneAnd Im not here
This isnt happening
Im not here
Im not here
Strobe lights and blown speakers
Fireworks and hurricanes
Im not here
This isnt happening
Im not here
Im not here

I'm not falling into depression again
I'm not!
i just feel like posting this song because I love it and i relate to it
I'm not depressed

K's choice- butterflies instead:
imagination fills the void of my existence

Porcupine tree - Lazarus:
As the cheerless towns pass my window
I can see a washed out moon through the fog

Imogen heap - oh me oh my:
Quiet now in sleepy dreams
To me it seems the only time to be
Just me

I woke up, in the middle of my sleep
trying to escape that dream
it's not a nightmare
it's a wonderful dream
we sleep 1/3 of our life
so what makes a dream less real than reality?

the last time I actually cried was last january
do I have to cry to prove to myself that I'm not ok?
that I'm just pretending?

My eternal ellipsis

Everyday my life starts making more sense
like a polaroid picture that's slowly taking shape, revealing itself
it's still somehow blurry and vague
but I'm waiting
watching
lines in the picture are slowly connecting creating a silhouette of a mysterious figure
the dark figure will brighten up, different colors will appear
it will get clearer and clearer
what will happen when the whole picture pops put of the darkness?
when it's fully constructed?
does anyone ever reach that stage?
it doesn't matter anyway because I'm still waiting and the lines are still barely traceable, their just beginning to appear
and I'm waiting

sometimes I feel that most of my life I've been waiting
for what exactly, I don't know
There's always something beyond, something out there that will be reached
this eternal ellipsis that has become my life is beyond the past present and future, it's a time stuck in between that has no charachterstics or form

the seasons change
the clock ticks endlessly
night and day shift
children get born,
their first teeth start falling off
they grow up
puberty, their hormones change
they develop more
stretch marks, wrinkles
a slow decaying process

and I'm still waiting
waiting
but nothing happens
there's nothing to wait for
because this is it
this is life
but I still wait
watch and listen
as time trails off
slowly
and I watch it as it evaporates
and I still wait
in my eternal ellipsis

I think that the sense of smell is the most underrated one of all senses.
I was once eavesdropping on a conversation (I do that lot) *embaressed
so this girl was saying "I was born without a sense of smell"
I thought that this must be truly awful
actually, for me, it's tragic
she'd never know though because she doesn't know what it is
The tragic thing about being blind or deaf is the alienation it gives the person
not smelling still makes you part of this world, you'll still see, listen, interact and everything...
but an integral part of existence relies on smelling, a part that's overlooked a lot
I personally can't live without the sense of smell
I always sniff around, everything everywhere
I've been like that ever since I was a kid
the sense of smell is so powerful
an odor can transform a person into a past moment, it is the sense most capable of making me nostalgic for a certain time, place or person
listening to a song also does that, but nothing can beat the sense of smell
This describes smells in their most beautiful form
I truly love this post
and there's das parfuem by Patrick Sueskind of course