The poor unfortunate souls

My favourite : "Don't underestimate the importance of the body language"



Doesn't she remind you of dubai?

Now that I'm not numb anymore.....

I wish I were

The slow process of knowing and losing

When meeting somebody new, it's like looking at a map of a foreign city. It takes practice to memorize all its streets and find your way in it. Every corner looks new, every restaurant around the corner, every crossing, every turn. Then you live in the city for too long and you know your way almost unconsciously; it's too familiar that you forget that you once lost your way in it. The city grows on you, it becomes part of you. The smells, the noises, everything that makes a city breathe will be imbedded within you.

Then when you leave the city, you're always afraid that by time the memory of it will get stale. That the city that you've once known so well is no longer recognizable. Would anyone believe that the Cairo of 50 years ago is the same city?

Maybe some shops have closed down and others have opened. Maybe billboards infested the streets. Maybe the streets got dirtier, the people louder, the drivers bolder.

And that is always the fear when you're about to part with someone you have come to know so well.

You wonder that maybe in many years you will meet again. You will see traces of your past somewhere inside the person, but you will no longer recognize the person.

The routes you have strove to learn so well have become clogged in your memory. And that second you realize that the person is forever lost. Sometimes it's sad, yet at other times you know you have also been unrecognizable to them and think "that's just life!"

Prior to losing you always hope that what you have transcends the mere boundaries of the physical world. That there's a much deeper connection; that of the soul, the one that could never be shattered to pieces by time.

Time would be merely an ellipsis, nothing more.

Memories are never blown away immediately. The tick of the clock eradicates them slowly, like water washing over stones. By the time their shape changes, you no longer pine for them.

"That's life!" you would say and walk away.

I feel so much, yet I feel nothing at all
It may sound contradicting, but in my mind it makes perfect sense to me
I know I must be feeling so much
yet I'm perfectly numb
yet I see all these emotions circling around me
but now they are trapped inside the glasshouse and I'm just watching from the outside
Maybe I'm scared because I know that feeling too much would lead me back to the glasshouse and I'm not really sure I want to (do I?)
I reached the conclusion that I never quite write (at least with passion), without being in a sort of isolation....
and I wonder.
I'm always happy lately, cheerful. Something bad happens I frown for a few seconds and then shake it off and continue my joking around.
I don't know if I'm doing this as a defense mechanism or because nothing can touch me anymore...
Maybe I've grown a thick skin that doesn't allow anything negative to penetrate my being
yet I'm craving it
craving negativity
call me insane I don't care
I enjoy my life lately I can't deny it, I'm having fun, dyed my hair red, I don't know it seems so much has been happening. And it's fun. But only that.
and this is the problem I think.
I can't be just having fun... I try to write, nothing much comes out.
There are thoughts in my head- millions of them- but I can't quite write.

I few days ago, someone told me something that I always thought I wouldn't quite take well
I didn't feel anything
only a day later I felt something and it was so very intense
It lasted for a while, but then when the moment was gone I lost it
I crawled back into my stisfied unbearable numbness

An hour ago a delivery guy from drinkies rang the bell. I told him it's probably for the neighbours yet all I wanted to do was grab the bag shut the door drink drink drink and forget about my existance, even for a second

sometimes I confuse metaphors with reality and the reality with metaphors. And I saw him slipping away, I vivdly saw our invisible connecting strings unraveling, at least the strings of the physical life.

and then I remebered what he said again... I was swarmed with images, more likely scenarious of what will be....

We will always have a spiritual and mental connection... but is that enough, I ask.
Is it?
Is it?
Is it?

People

I like people quite well
at a little distance.
I like to see them passing and passing
and going their own way,
especially if I see their aloneness alive in them.
Yet I don't want them to come near.
If they will only leave me alone
I can still have the illusion that there is room enough in the world.

by D.H. Lawrence

The soundtrack of my life

When I wake up early in the morning,
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream

Please don't wake me, no
don't shake me
Leave me where I am
I'm only sleeping

Everybody seems to think I'm lazy
I don't mind, I think they're crazy
Running everywhere at such a speed
Till they find, there's no need

Please don't spoil my day
I'm miles away
And after all
I'm only sleeping

Keeping an eye on the world going by my window
Taking my time

Lying there and staring at the ceiling
Waiting for a sleepy feeling

Please don't spoil my day
I'm miles away
And after all
I'm only sleeping

Keeping an eye on the world going by my window
Taking my time

When I wake up early in the morning,
Lift my head, I'm still yawning
When I'm in the middle of a dream
Stay in bed, float up stream

Please don't wake me, no
don't shake me
Leave me where I am
I'm only sleeping

I'm only sleeping- the beatles

How can one....
keep up with studies, go all the way to kattameya every single day, freelance for a magazine, have a social life, regularly wax hair, do all those family obligations, read, write and have a moment to relax and not look like a zombie by the end of the week....

how do people do it?

yesterday I found woman in her late thirties or even early forties jogging and wearing a T-shirt that says "I love cute boys". Seriously? It should've had "child molester" on the back.

the irony

the only good and healthy relationship that I've been in my whole life, is the only one that didn't devastate me when it ended...

Yesterday I told my friend that I want a new experience, not neccasarily guy related, actually I don't want a guy related one.
I want to travel, I want to do something so very unexpected.
When I was a kid I always wrote stories about this girl who prayed for an adventure before sleep everynight. And she did get her share of adventure, I on the other hand, did not.
My friend's sister is on a oneyear study abroad program in Japan and as much as I was so excited and even gave her websites to study hiragana and katagana, something inside me was asking: "why wasnt that me? Im the onle who always wanted to go to japan."

I feel I'm stuck in a major I don't like and in a life that I want to get away from.

I want to go somwhere and I want to break the pattern that Im afraid I would be stuck into.
It's my biggest fear lately

why is the ka3ba called beit alla el haram? Not only is it halal but holy.

In my imagination I'm funnier, wittier, more confident and stronger.
When I make up scenarious in my head I am that person. I'm still me, talk like me and act like me but I'm the version of me that I still can't be.

I miss being in my glasshouse, now I have one part outside and the other inside. It's confusing because I'm not really standing anywhere.

why does everyone try to enforce his own worldview upon me?
and nobody really asks me what I actually want
so 'advocate of promiscuity' wants me to drop the boyfriend and have fun.
"let go and have fun," she says "it's been going on for a long time anyways."

How could someone love two completly different people in one lifetime?

"everytime we talk again I feel that you grew since the previous time"
"well you knew me when I first entered university. I was very young."

and then I got 'the look' repeatedly

why am I getting more attention than I'm asking for?
Yesterday I realized how I left bits of me in places I forgot

it's hard to handle loving someone who doesn't love you back
but it's even harder to receive sentimentalities you can't give back

I don't know what's happening

final decision

I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I know there's something but I can't really trace it or link it to anything. I sat on the balcony for an hour or so, just staring ahead, like I used to do. I'm tired of going here and there all day long. I miss solitude.

costume party

so I was thinking charlie chaplin
or with my boyfriend (pimp and prostitute)
me being the pimp hehe
any ideas?

tactics

I really hope it would work this time.
I'm more calculative than ever before
I really really do

Choices

You always realize that you made the wrong ones a little bit too late, hesitation might be called sane or wise, but I always prefer doing rash actions, they're the ones I still do not regret, hesitation makes you think and thinking gets you to doubt and then you prefer staying where you are
I regret many things, but I don't care I'll make the best of what's here... at least for now...

Moments

some moments resonate within you....
they leave an aftertaste
and sometimes it's so sweet and stays for days
I still feel his fingers on my skin
his breath on my neck
his hearbeats against my cheeks
it's like the moment doesn't instantly go away the second it's over
it leaves a mark on you
that fades away very slowly

"A butterfly fluttered it's wings in a wind thick with the smell of seaweed. His dry lips felt the touch of the butterfly for the briefest instant, yet the wisp of the wing dust still shone on his lips years later."
Rashomon and other stories by Aktugawa Rynsuke

Endings

It's there looming above me
and thinking about it, it sort of become the story of my life
it hurts
but I don't mind
everything is just a phase
i'm starting to accept that fact
i'm not even into japan that much anymore

Passion

I know where my passion lies
I feel it sometimes somewhere within
but it comes in sudden outbursts
little glimpses of something glowing within

Connection

I find it hard to connect with anyone
or to open up
but I don't mind
I will have fun
and spend my life
endlessly searching
for that thing
that I will never find

Some moments, even in the most normal of settings seem very unreal
almost like a dream
like a stroke of a magical paintbrush
on a photograph of an ordinary moment

suddenly the flat colors are accentuated
and you can almost see the figures moving
dancing

funny thing is that you stumble upon them
sometimes even by mistake
you'd love to repeat them over and over again
but like an overused film reel
it dissapates
like a song on repeat
it loses the feelings it released
the first time
the rainbow colored fog
slowly evaporates
into thin air
and you see everything clearly
it isn't neccesarily ugly
it's just

real

some days i just hate modernity, technology and the city life
I want to go back in time
waaay back

March 18th 2009 proved to me that I should never say "I can't" or "I give up"

today I overcame two fears
and tomorrow I'd hopefully overcome another
In the novel the Bell Jar, the narrator said at one instance, that you could get away with almost anything if you are confident enough. She was describing the way a poet dressed and ate at a very fancy hotel in the most confident manner, which made him not look odd.
I think that's the key
confidence
and it's hard because it's something I totally lack

but I still won't say "I can't"

I always fell in love with illusions
and ideas of people
If I fall in love with him
it would be the first time
I fall in love with a real person

scary