she was with me in class
we were friends for a year or so
she was my 'sports buddy'
I could never imagine her liking a guy
I remember this one, who used to call her all the time
they played football together, I thought it was rather strange how she never told me about a guy she likes,
but she always talked about a female friend of hers in the most romatic way
she used to make her little hand made gifts, and once she even showed me a video she made for her,
when we graduated we ceased to be friends
once I was in the club, going back to my car, it was parked in a dark area
I saw a car, with two girls inside
they were just talking, but I found it strange that they'd park a car and sit and talk in a dark corner
I looked closely and I realized that it was my friend inside with another girl
she said hi and we talked for a while
A few weeks ago I was talking with a friend, and she told me she suspects that this girl is a lesbian
I asked her why she thinks so
she told me that she saw her at the movies with a girl, she was laughing and putting her hand on her thighs, and then at the intermission, she kept asking the girl if she needs anything, and asked repeatedly when the girl declined.
I told the friend, the one I was talking to, that she actually might be lesbian, but she'll never admit it to herself or her family, and eventually she might get married and feel trapped forever, since she'd consider it the greatest sin of all
then I pondered a little bit
the last time I talked to her, back at school, I knew she would have thought it was the greatest sin of all, she wasn't extra religious, but I'm sure she would've been against that
but maybe she's changed, I have no idea what her religious beliefs are at the moment
I know I've changed a lot since school days, so who knows
if she were lesbian I'd feel sorry for her, since she'd be entraped forever

A few days ago, a semi-friend made this crude remark on a picture of Ellen and Portia de Rossi, I asked her why she thought it was disgusting.
She got angry at me "don't give your I'm so open-minded shit! It's ok to be tolerant but you have to have your own opinions"
"well, my opinion is that I'm for gays and lesbians"
"I don't believe you. What of your sister marries a woman, would you be happy about that?"
"She wouldn't"
"Let's say she would."
"my sister is uptight, and even if she wasn't, she could never get married to a woman here in Egypt!"
"Well , ASSUMING it was ok. Hypothetically speaking."
"I wouldn't mind, I'll be happy for her if that's what she wants."
"you wouldn't you be boiling inside?" another one asked
"no," I replied
They started telling me that I'm a liar and that I would actually get angry if I was in that situation.

I explained that sometimes, some people are born in a certain way and they feel entraped in their body, "what if a woman has no desire for men, what if she's built that way or vise versa?"
"God would never create someone like that."
"How would you know, just because you're into men doesn't have to mean that ever female specie should be born that way."
"la2 fee nas beystahbelo," (the wouldn't you be boiling) girl said
"I could understand if they were molested as a child," the first one said
"it doesn't have to be that way, why do people always assume that gays or lesbians were molested as kids? I mean everything that happens to a person, ye2ollo asl he was abused as a child. I might actually believe that some people would quite simply be born that way."
Damn you Opera, Dr Phil and Al Aswany if I might add.
and then it came
"yeah but then it would be a disease that needs treatment."
"here we go again," I thought
"they were born that way, why should you have to call it a disease?"
"it's like being a disabled person."
I'm no psychologist, I' not an expert and I'm no doctor so I don't have logical proof or evidence to stand by my point
"look," I said "anatomically speaking, it makes more sense tab3an that a penis would enter a vagina. But I still don't feel it's a disease, I can't explain it and I don't even have proof, maybe you're right, but I still am OK with the concept."

I don't know why, but I really would feel sorry for homo sexuals in Egypt

I remember once a conversation I had with two friends a very long time ago
"I can never understand the physical aspect of lesbianism" they were saying "but I would totally understand it from an emtional point of view, girls understand each other more."
I was totally against what they were saying
I actually I see it the other way round.
I can imagine being attracted to a girl, physically attracted but I can never be in a relatioship with one
too much drama and estrogen
la2 tab3an I need a man to be in a relationship with
I can count a few girls I've actually been attracted to
I don't consider myself lesbian though
not at all

I don't remember in which Almodovar film someone says that females are bisexual
I think it's in "all about my mother"
it's true though
even if it's only by 1%
there's a teeny weeny bisexual in every girl
and many girls did admit that

so anyway
I don't know what I'm going about here
I think it's really hard for homosexuals in the middle east,
allover the globe aslan
but here it's 100 times harder than anywhere

sometimes I wonder why anyone would want to read my blog
I wouldn't read it
sometimes I get the urge to delete it and create another one and not comment on any of the blogs I usually comment on

I want a free space somewhere

and doing that would make me write even freer

I will do that soon

I guess I'm just lazy for now

In Egypt your life is never yours is it?
When you're still living at you're parents house, they expect you to be the person they want you to be since they're your parents, and pay for you and all that.

You grow up and suddenly you have obligations, and you never quite act like you would like to.

and then there's this inspective society; where people shake their in disapproval over every person's 'wrong' behaviour

When the two girls were murdered, the media did nothing but comment on the girls' morality and behaviour, two girls got MURDERED and that's the only thing you can think of!!!
Who cares what they did in their lives, they were murdered!

My sister always tells me to suck it up, since I have nowhere out.
but why should I, this my life and only mine!!

why is it, that people here are not 'just the person himself', why is always looked upon that the person is his family.

A friend told me, that it's somewhat true, since the family does affect your behaviour, and it does matter where you come from.

I asked her, do you seriously think that I'm like anyone in my family? She then told me I'm an exception.

Another friend once told me that my family reminds her of 'The Titanic' families, I laughed to tears, she was right though

I hate the fact that parents expect their children to have the same point of views, well not all of them, of course, at least mine are like that

I hate it, when they never listen to my opinions

and then they ask me why I always think I'm right

what they can't understand that I never said I was right

I merely said it was my OPINION

oh screw it! Why am I writing this anyway?
nothing will ever change

Last summer I travelled with friends for two weeks
came back, my parents were in italy for a week
so... here three weeks without parents
and then, just as soon as they came back, my mother had to travel to germany
she stayed for two weeks
my dad and sister stayed in Cairo
and I stayed in sahel
the day my mother actually came back, I was feeling heavy
I wanted her to stay there for a longer period
but it's all good since in sahel, you're somewhat feeling free

it was nice

my parents are travelling in two weeks
I can't wait
and I swear
if my sister blackmails me I'll chop her in little pieces and feed her to the donkeys
ok that was harsh!

my biggest fear is going from my parent's home to my husband's home
I want a phase in-between where I'll be totally on my own
and the only way I could do that is by studying abroad
my parents are actually ok with that but I don't think my father is intending to pay extra tution
maybe for my sister's masters since she's engineering, and since he payed a lot more for my tutuion

sometimes I think about all the things they sacrifice for our welfare and I think hmmm maybe I'm being too harsh, but I still feel extremly lonely at home
they all think they know me, none of them really does, my sister included
sometimes I wish they hadn't invested so much time and money for us
I feel indepted
and I really am incapable of repaying them or acting thankful
since I'm always furious and angry at them

my mother told me that she only acts that way because she loves me
I told her that her love suffocates me
It was harsh but I really felt it while saying it
I can't help saying otherwise,
it's the truth

I don't know why I just remembered this poem while writing this


Those Winter Sundays

Sundays too my father got up early
And put his clothes on in the blueback cold,
then with cracked hands that ached
from labor in the weekday weather made
banked fires blaze. No one ever thanked him.
I'd wake and hear the cold splintering, breaking.
When the rooms were warm, he'd call,
and slowly I would rise and dress,
fearing the chronic angers of that house,
Speaking indifferently to him,
who had driven out the cold
and polished my good shoes as well.
What did I know, what did I know
of love's austere and lonely offices?

Robert Hayden

maybe I should appreciate them more....
but I still can't
they're suffocating me
now I'm just confused

enraged beyong words!!!
yet so tranquil and mellow


two forces pushing one another from each side
and I'm caught in-between

star gazing
fire crackling
shay sokar zeyada in those little glass cups
and a chilled atmosphere

and then the image comes again
of the ongoing fight with my parents
"it's the last straw," my heart pounds hard
and I feel I want to break the first thing that comes my way

and then I breathe out again
and smell life
and try to smile
and then I started talking and laughing and forget

lately I always remind myself I'm not going to be 20 forever!
actually, I'm not going to be 20 in a month

I remind myself to celebrate my youth
and take in every experience and opportunity
and just relax and enjoy
but then I remember the fights
"but I can't fucking enjoy anything because of them, they're ruining my youth."

and then I relax again

and then I close my eyes and wish I'd go somewhere very far away

its a cycle

I lie all the time 'hell I'm not going to let her ruin my life'
she gets supsiocious because I act 'mysterious'
I become enraged and tell her even less about myself
she gets more suspicious
and it gous round
and round
and round
and round

they crossed the line repeatedly
and I will not falter
and I'll give them the silent treatment
until they finally admit that they're ruining my life

"you never talk to any of us anymore, do you think you're living in an hotel?"
"why do you want me to tell you anything about myself anyway? To ruin my life? I don't like talking to you."
"you just wish you had no family, you're ultimate dream is to live alone. isn't it."
"It is. I actually am quite sure, that we'll have a better relationship if I wasn't living in this house."

blablabla

anyway

I'm not that enraged right now, because I actually had a very good day
but I still am in a way
and I keep thinking how different my life would've been if my mother wasn't so controlling

Pain never goes away

"time heals all wounds," people say

I think it's rather "time digs pain deep inside, that we forget it exists."

it's easier though, to dig it all deep inside

we carry it all with us, from childhood pains ,to adolescene and adulthood, we walk with it everyday

that's why we feel heavier when we age

children aren't neccasarily innocent, infact many of them are not.

But they walk lighter, the baggage they carry is little

that's why we relate childhood to innocence

On certain moments pain resurfaces, and we realize that it never really went away, it was just dug deep within

but today I will smile and dig it even deeper inside

let my subconcious handle it

it's easier

I was on my way home and I remembered that her birthday is today.
I sent her a message at 12 but I thought, I should have the bit of decency and call.
So I called her
"Happy birthday!"
"thank you Mozzzaa... where are you?"
"Zamalek"
"Oh seriously? I'm at Carlo's having my birthday, why don't you come?"
"Ummm I'm not sure... I could pass by"
"Yes do that!"

"Hey! Come outside, I'm waiting outside"
"why don't you come in?"
"well... I'd rather you come outside."
Then she saw me
"ah 7aseit enek mesh 3azwa tedkholy labsa lebs reyada"
"da mesh lebs reyada"
I looked at her in confusion.
I was wearing Jeans, white converse, a black top and a black Pullover, so yeah it's not Le Pacha type of clothes, though I sometimes go there like that at lunch, but I didn't feel like going in
and when the hell was Jeans sportswear?
anyway... that's not the point here
"so what have you been doing?"
"Well. I was at a play f west el balad" (it wasn't really west el balad)
"I don't like West el balad." "Do you mean the band?"
"No. It was in west el balad! Downtown!"
"What was it about?"
"Well it was satricial, it was interesting in a way."
"beytray2o ala hosny mobarak we keda?"
I didn't reply.
"El sara7a ana omry ma kont ba7ebo bas wallahy enharda kan kwayes fel speech!"
"huh" (I didn't know what she was talking about)
"the cease fire"
"Oh right!" (shame on you! Shame on you! well since I've been interening at this newspaper I've been following up on news every single day, and I also signed up for the google alerts thing, which really fills up my inbox, two days ago I had enough of it and I just delete them before reading anything. Everyday it's the same. Same news, different wording. Same people, same everything. I don't think I'll ever want to be a Journalist but that's a whole different issue.)
"ba3d eih!" I said
and then she laughed
"3arfa 7agat el tarya2a elly mawgooda fel magalat, tella2y masaln 7aga maktooba 3ala ma7al ghalat we keda."
well....
it was satricial, but not in the way you're describing!
anyway
some other friends arrived, and I had to go, had to pass up on the empty hellos
so I left
"we should do something" she told me before I left
"sure. I'm on vacation."
I knew we would never do something
I always say that "I'm on vacation call me anytime."
though I know very well that this person won't bother calling and neither would I

I was browsing through some books in Kotob Khan and my eyes fell upon Rashomon and other stories by Aktugawa Rynsuke. I read it months ago, so I opened it and skimmed through and realized that I don't fully remember it. There's this chapter at the end that consists of numbered scraps written by him. I remember liking them months ago, but when I read them again I felt I was reading them for the first time. Reading some, my heart started pounding really fast and I felt I want to cry from the beauty of the words. I don't remember it affecting me that much the last time. The only one I still remembered was one titled 'butterfly'.
Sometimes I get this overwhelming feeling feeling when I read something of utter beauty.
He killed himself.

Today I realized that I believe in art.
I think it's the only thing I understand and relate to in this world

and I highly recommend the book

Today started with a fit of anger, torn jeans and an angry note and ended with enourmous laughter
I was playing this game with some friends... I can't believe we spent two hours playing this game... or even more
everytime I get up to leave... my sister was melting chocolate with a friend of hers and called me to join, I also had to meet some other people, but everytime I got up, they asked a new question and I sat down again
the game is basically... would you sleep with.... or.....
but we covered every single aspect of life, from people we know to hollywood starts to cartoon characters, serial killers, politicians, Victoria Secret models and some other random people.
So here are a few ones I remember
Peter Pan or Tinkerbell?
Tamer hosny or hamaay?
Sadam or Bin Laden?
Hitler or Ghandy?
Sara Pallin or Condaleeza Rice?
Jim Morrisson or Syd Barrett?
Anthony Kiedis or Brandon Boyd?
Cow or chicken?
and hehe this hilarious guy asked... I don't remember who or the guy from paramount? (you know the guy who looks a bit like Jim Carrey and has weird hair, and appears right before the show)?
Aam Mahmoud beta3 el feteer or sa3d el soghayar?
Aam Mamoud bta3 el feteer or Abd el Raoof bta3 el Pesine?
Homer or Bart?
Homer or Peter Griffin?
Soad Hosny or Hind Rostom?
Magda or (I can't really remember, I think some egyptian actor)?
Maria or Dana?
Naguib Mahfouz or Taha Hussein?
The broom in the beauty and the beast or the three girls that chase gaston?
the wardrobe or the broom?
gaston or Aladdin?
Woolferine or Batman?
Batman or Spiderman?
Denis Nilson or Jeffery Dahmer?
Jeffery Dahmer or the clown killer?
Jefferey Dahmer or jack the ripper?
Cristian Bale or Christian Bale in American psycho?
Willy Wonka or sweeny todd? and this other guy said "el araf da we yedakhal masasat?"
Susan or Bree?
this list goes on and on and on....
it was fun
I always enjoy stupid games like that
so here's the question
who would you sleep with in any of those questions mentioned?
and you could also make up fun questions and I'd answer